No more panic!

So I was having panic attacks nearly every night for like three weeks straight; ok, let’s be honest- I probably went 3 nights in those three weeks without a panic attack. For anyone who has had the misfortune of experiencing one of those AWFUL events….. you must know what that was like. If you don’t, trust me, you don’t want to know. Well, I figured it out. It was definitely the caffeine. I have been caffeine free for three weeks and have yet to have a single panic attack. When life starts getting a little hectic, I tend to rely heavily on coffee; I would literally brew a pot at midnight. So after I did my research and found out that you can actually have caffeine induced panic attacks, especially when there is an underlying anxiety disorder. So I suffered the couple of days of withdrawals. They stopped. Then came my birthday. Out of desperation (I really DO love the taste of coffee) I had a cup at my surprise party at my parents house; big mistake. My husband and I came home and watched a movie together, I passed out and woke up at one in the morning in full blown panic. This is the first time I recall ever being awakened by a panic attack. The link? The coffee. Since then, I haven’t had any more. Well, I haven’t totally quit caffeine, I have a cup of my husband’s coffee every now and then. But I am no loner addicted to caffeine. I even drink caffeine free soda. This is the first step in eliminating sodas and junk beverages altogether. I am proud of myself because I have been trying to accomplish this since my early twenties. Score!

I find that I am much more alive in the morning, which doesn’t hurt:-)

Speaking of which- I felt like hugging my professor today hahaha. I have really been stressed out about the outlines in my humanities class. Here is the problem…. I actually consider myself a writer (I write, duh). Well, I don’t know if I blogged about this or not but I have managed to get the entire foundation down for my book. I was looking into different methods of outlining and found that the traditional outline is GRUESOME. So I started using the mind mapping technique and was able to get the entire plot developed. Why? I am a visual learner. I have to actually see how things work out. I am not an organized thinker so these outlines I have been having to do were painful…. especially since I hate confronting things I don’t feel like i’m good at. I hate feeling like i’m not good at something (highly competitive, stand back guys lol). So I felt like I wasn’t good at these outlines and my grade really depends on them and in all honesty, I am shooting for straight A’s this semester. I feel like I would DIE if I got anything less than an A. So he handed back a couple of our outlines today and I got perfect scores on both! Neither of them were cluttered with notes on errors or anything, I swear I was SO excited! Because I really felt like they were all wrong and spent days upon days making them perfect….. very happy to have those A papers:-) I also have perfect scores in English so far. Human growth and development? Eh…. I got two 92′s and a 96…. not happy about that at ALL. But that’s a different story that I don’t want to put on blast online lol. But overall, I feel like I am really doing well.

I am starting to question my major again….. Ok, ultimately, I want to write. That’s all I want to do. If I can sit at my computer and write for hours just for the hell of it, I am sure I would have no problem getting paid to write….. in a perfect world. But honestly, this world is far from perfect and I am no Shakespeare. So I chose to major in Philosophy….. but I have determined that I am NOT into general philosophy…. Well, I am….. but I am more focused on the ethical aspect. I am the woman calling your business when you don’t have your shit together. I call headquarters…. why? Because I feel like I am speaking for the people who are too lazy to call, themselves. That’s why. I know if I am not happy with the way things operate, there must be many more like me. If people don’t call to complain when they don’t get good service or when someone is practicing shady business ethics, how will they ever be corrected? I was like this at my jobs as well. I hated feeling like management didn’t care about their employees. I hated sitting in the break room hearing yet ANOTHER employee going off about something foul that was pulled on them. If I were a business owner (especially a large corporation) I would feel like everyone who works for me represents- me…. If the managers don’t have it together and employees are disgruntled, what does that say about my business? What does it say about me as a person? I make mistakes- but I feel like it’s my obligation, my duty to society, to correct those mistakes. I don’t like it when people brush shit under the rug. I don’t like it when people do whatever they think they can get away with and ONLY change their ways when they are forced to do so. So I think focusing on ethics is much more practical than pursuing something in writing….

While I am on my writing binge I might as well let it all out. If you are in a professional setting, and college is professional, stop acting like you are still in high school. I am so sick of grown ass women talking over the teacher…. as if NO ONE else in the class actually wants to learn something. I haven’t done that since middle school and even then, it wasn’t often…. It looks so…..bad. No one, and I mean NO one- wants to hear what your favorite alcoholic beverage is. No one. No one cares. Knock it off. Also- I cuss. I do, I am sorry about that. But that’s what this blog is for, I can let loose and cuss like a sailor. I may even use profanity in a public setting….. like a bar….. or a pool hall…. or even at school if it is just myself and others who do it. But when you see your elders walking by- clearly dressed professional….. stop. STOP. Yes, you are officially an adult now…. but can’t we still practice what our parents (hopefully) taught us? Respect your elders. I mean I could NEVER imagine talking about my sexcapades with my hubby as a 65 year old woman walks by…. it’s SO rude. I have always been like this…. that goes back to *principles*….. stop doing things that are blatantly wrong just because you feel you can get away with it. Ok I am done ranting for now.

Life is great. I love every minute of it. I haven’t felt this determined and satisfied in a while. I feel like I am stimulating my brain cells<3