No more panic!

So I was having panic attacks nearly every night for like three weeks straight; ok, let’s be honest- I probably went 3 nights in those three weeks without a panic attack. For anyone who has had the misfortune of experiencing one of those AWFUL events….. you must know what that was like. If you don’t, trust me, you don’t want to know. Well, I figured it out. It was definitely the caffeine. I have been caffeine free for three weeks and have yet to have a single panic attack. When life starts getting a little hectic, I tend to rely heavily on coffee; I would literally brew a pot at midnight. So after I did my research and found out that you can actually have caffeine induced panic attacks, especially when there is an underlying anxiety disorder. So I suffered the couple of days of withdrawals. They stopped. Then came my birthday. Out of desperation (I really DO love the taste of coffee) I had a cup at my surprise party at my parents house; big mistake. My husband and I came home and watched a movie together, I passed out and woke up at one in the morning in full blown panic. This is the first time I recall ever being awakened by a panic attack. The link? The coffee. Since then, I haven’t had any more. Well, I haven’t totally quit caffeine, I have a cup of my husband’s coffee every now and then. But I am no loner addicted to caffeine. I even drink caffeine free soda. This is the first step in eliminating sodas and junk beverages altogether. I am proud of myself because I have been trying to accomplish this since my early twenties. Score!

I find that I am much more alive in the morning, which doesn’t hurt:-)

Speaking of which- I felt like hugging my professor today hahaha. I have really been stressed out about the outlines in my humanities class. Here is the problem…. I actually consider myself a writer (I write, duh). Well, I don’t know if I blogged about this or not but I have managed to get the entire foundation down for my book. I was looking into different methods of outlining and found that the traditional outline is GRUESOME. So I started using the mind mapping technique and was able to get the entire plot developed. Why? I am a visual learner. I have to actually see how things work out. I am not an organized thinker so these outlines I have been having to do were painful…. especially since I hate confronting things I don’t feel like i’m good at. I hate feeling like i’m not good at something (highly competitive, stand back guys lol). So I felt like I wasn’t good at these outlines and my grade really depends on them and in all honesty, I am shooting for straight A’s this semester. I feel like I would DIE if I got anything less than an A. So he handed back a couple of our outlines today and I got perfect scores on both! Neither of them were cluttered with notes on errors or anything, I swear I was SO excited! Because I really felt like they were all wrong and spent days upon days making them perfect….. very happy to have those A papers:-) I also have perfect scores in English so far. Human growth and development? Eh…. I got two 92′s and a 96…. not happy about that at ALL. But that’s a different story that I don’t want to put on blast online lol. But overall, I feel like I am really doing well.

I am starting to question my major again….. Ok, ultimately, I want to write. That’s all I want to do. If I can sit at my computer and write for hours just for the hell of it, I am sure I would have no problem getting paid to write….. in a perfect world. But honestly, this world is far from perfect and I am no Shakespeare. So I chose to major in Philosophy….. but I have determined that I am NOT into general philosophy…. Well, I am….. but I am more focused on the ethical aspect. I am the woman calling your business when you don’t have your shit together. I call headquarters…. why? Because I feel like I am speaking for the people who are too lazy to call, themselves. That’s why. I know if I am not happy with the way things operate, there must be many more like me. If people don’t call to complain when they don’t get good service or when someone is practicing shady business ethics, how will they ever be corrected? I was like this at my jobs as well. I hated feeling like management didn’t care about their employees. I hated sitting in the break room hearing yet ANOTHER employee going off about something foul that was pulled on them. If I were a business owner (especially a large corporation) I would feel like everyone who works for me represents- me…. If the managers don’t have it together and employees are disgruntled, what does that say about my business? What does it say about me as a person? I make mistakes- but I feel like it’s my obligation, my duty to society, to correct those mistakes. I don’t like it when people brush shit under the rug. I don’t like it when people do whatever they think they can get away with and ONLY change their ways when they are forced to do so. So I think focusing on ethics is much more practical than pursuing something in writing….

While I am on my writing binge I might as well let it all out. If you are in a professional setting, and college is professional, stop acting like you are still in high school. I am so sick of grown ass women talking over the teacher…. as if NO ONE else in the class actually wants to learn something. I haven’t done that since middle school and even then, it wasn’t often…. It looks so…..bad. No one, and I mean NO one- wants to hear what your favorite alcoholic beverage is. No one. No one cares. Knock it off. Also- I cuss. I do, I am sorry about that. But that’s what this blog is for, I can let loose and cuss like a sailor. I may even use profanity in a public setting….. like a bar….. or a pool hall…. or even at school if it is just myself and others who do it. But when you see your elders walking by- clearly dressed professional….. stop. STOP. Yes, you are officially an adult now…. but can’t we still practice what our parents (hopefully) taught us? Respect your elders. I mean I could NEVER imagine talking about my sexcapades with my hubby as a 65 year old woman walks by…. it’s SO rude. I have always been like this…. that goes back to *principles*….. stop doing things that are blatantly wrong just because you feel you can get away with it. Ok I am done ranting for now.

Life is great. I love every minute of it. I haven’t felt this determined and satisfied in a while. I feel like I am stimulating my brain cells<3

The American Dream

Wow. I am reading and outlining material nearly every week for sixteen weeks…. you would *think* I am tired of it by now. NOPE! LOL. Well. I could do without the outlines. But the material I am reading is actually really good. It’s about the American dream…. and wow. I have a totally different approach to it than the majority of the country.

Yes- I would love to have a humongous house, a fancy car, successful career, etc. Is that my American dream? Nope. I actually believe I am living out the American dream (at least my definition of it) right now. Yes, the system can be awfully flawed; it’s far from perfect. But *right now* I am free. I am free to express myself. Think of how many people in this world lack the freedom of expressing themselves through something as simple as a blog. How many people in this world are slaughtered for voicing political dissent? I see politics being debated everyday on Facebook; but how many of them stop to appreciate the fact that they are even able to voice their opinions on political matters, especially when they are in direct opposition of our government? I appreciate that freedom very much. I am pursuing my education. How many people through out history have been beheaded for even attempting to educate themselves? I married someone I love, instead of having a husband forced upon me- not criticizing those who view this as a cultural norm, it’s just sad when someone genuinely doesn’t want to marry someone, even out of a sense of duty, yet are forced to do so anyways. I have three children. No one dictated to me how many children I could have. I just feel free. No, my life isn’t perfect. I have my own financial burdens. I have my own set of worries and troubles. But I value them as well- because without the bad, we can’t really appreciate the good. Without misfortune, we would never have fortune…. people have to fail in order to succeed. It’s all part of a learning process. I value life and liberty and for me, that’s enough. Material gain isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There once was a time that people were happy to have a small, one bedroom home to fit their family as well as their extended family. That was probably their American dream. But people become accustomed to trying to measure up to those around them. Are you really that bad off because you don’t drive a BMW? People used to feel fortunate if they had a horse. I blame television, movies, magazines, music and the media for that one….. we have been conditioned to equate material gain with success. How can I admire someone because they drive a fancy car, when in theory, I could own a car just like it? No, I admire people who cherish values and principles over material things. I admire people who appreciate the small things. Today in one of my classes, we talked about shifting one’s paradigm…. how you see things, how you view the world around you. If you can change the way you perceive things, you could become happy with FAR less. By showing gratitude for the most basic things- food, shelter, clothing, etc- you open your eyes to a bigger picture. You feel more fulfilled. Being wealthy does not end your problems. It’s like this- imagine a man who struggles to pay his bills. Every month, he barely scrapes by to pay cable, car, mortgage, utilities, etc….the usual…. so he assumes he needs more money in order to keep his head above water. After months and months of worrying and stressing over financial issues, he finds a side gig and is able to bring in more than enough money to cover his monthly expenses…. but soon, he finds himself back where he started because with more money came more problems…. he now has to pay his gym membership, more money on entertainment, more expensive clothes, etc…. so he does it again…. he finds a way to obtain more money yet finds himself struggling once again. The process repeats over and over and over. That’s how I view our population- we are a culture of want. We want it all. We are never satisfied. People take high paying jobs to keep up with their neighbors yet are incredibly unhappy because they feel a void….. they aren’t pursuing *their* dream. That’s why I don’t understand why someone would laugh at me for majoring in Philosophy….. So what if I don’t make a killing with a liberal arts degree? Who said I had to anyways? How am I any more pathetic than someone who goes to school to be a nurse yet HATES the idea of being a nurse?! Ever had a shitty nurse in the hospital? One who CLEARLY needed to find a new profession? I have lol. THAT is sad. People expect that we ALL want the same things……we do NOT want the same things. “Don’t you want a job that makes decent money?” well……what do you consider decent money? My ideals are just different from most. As long as I have the necessities, I am happy. I am totally content right now. I am curious as to where life will take me but I do NOT sit around worrying about how I am going to get rich. I do NOT sit around stressing out about the things most stress out about. I have everything I need in life. If I get more, that’s great….. but my happiness does not depend on it.

So now that I have finished my little rant, I will get to bed….. late…. again……lol

Second day of school completed LOL

I…. don’t know what I was thinking signing up for five classes. Ok, I do. One of my classes is to help me place out of elementary algebra- so it’s not actually a “class” but a remediation. Then I have a college success class for being placed on academic warning. That doesn’t really count towards anything either. But even though they don’t count per se, they still come with a full load of work. The other three classes are general education requirements. With the exception of math, I actually thoroughly enjoy the topics in every other class. The only problem is, a couple of them come with a major workload. We were given an assignment the first day of Humanities, which is due on Thursday. I got my first dose of trying to write a paper with three needy kids screaming at me for things. As soon as I got home, I had enough time to review my assignments and organize my material, then Kevin had to go to work. The rest was taking care of the kids, cleaning, cooking and writing a paper- at the same time. Very challenging. VERY, very challenging. My eyes are bloodshot even though I have had a decent amount of sleep. My entire body aches and I want nothing more than to crash right here, right now. But unfortunately, my day is not yet over. I have to check for errors in my paper and get it in it’s final format, the kids are still sneaking out of bed, I have to straighten up the house (again) get my things ready for tomorrow, bathe and THEN I can go to bed…..and do it again tomorrow….and the next day. I can already see that most of my free time will be spent keeping up with my school work. I can’t afford C’s, I REALLY have to bring up my GPA. I need A’s, really.

Yes, it’s stressful and it’s only the second day. But I keep telling myself- just get through this week….just this week. And I will do it again next week, for 16 weeks.

Cheating

I am cheating on my blog entry for tonight. I plan on making a video and posting it here but just in case that doesn’t happen by midnight:

Tomorrow is my birthday:-) Time is flying. I always feel as if someone put me in a slingshot and slung me into the new year lol. I don’t know what my husband has planned but my sister is getting me a pedicure (cancel all my appointments! LOL) and a manicure….. which I am in DESPERATE need of omg lol. And I plan on just collecting my thoughts and unwinding before school starts Monday:-/

Nothing much to update except that I have been binge cleaning lately….. other than that, nothing out of the norm:-)

Night Owl Rehab

I need some serious rehabilitation. I am, and have always been, a night owl. The funny thing is, I don’t enjoy it. One obvious reason is that if I DO wake up early, I am in a bad mood for lack of sleep. If I DON’T wake up early, I feel like shit for sleeping in. A not-so-obvious reason is that I actually hate the night time. I mean, I like night at normal hours, but my anxiety kicks into high gear around midnight. It’s all downhill after that. Also, I do *nothing* productive at night. The only thing I do at night is stay glued to the internet for NO apparent reason. I am not missing out on anything, I actually search for a reason to stay online. This is pretty much a major waste of time. I hate knowing that I am not using my time productively.

I am almost always late for appointments so typically I schedule everything after 10:00 a.m. But what this does is create more of a rush to get home, get the kids lunch then run my errands before my husband goes to work. The days that I absolutely have to schedule my appointments early in the morning, I am either rushing out the door in a panicked frenzy, disheveled hair and clothes, running late, OR, I miss the appointment altogether and have to reschedule. I also hate that the kids wake me up. I have to crawl straight out of bed and get them breakfast, get them dressed, etc- having no real time to myself to shower and just *relax*. Nothing good comes out of being a night owl, at least not for me.

The only reason I don’t like waking up early is because I stay up late. The nights that I actually go to bed early and wake up before the sun, I feel refreshed. I am able to sit in peace and quiet, have my coffee, check my email and still have time to get ready for my day. It’s peaceful in the early morning hours. It sets my entire day off on the right track.

One of the reasons I can not go to bed early is because I drink way too much caffeine through out the day and well into the night. Since cutting back on that, I am finding myself getting tired much earlier. The only thing keeping me up at night is habit.

Next week I am going to have a LOT on my plate. Not only do I have to get up to get Judea on the bus by 7:30, I have to get myself ready to be in class by 8:30. I will be fighting morning traffic to get there. So I absolutely HAVE to get up early, there’s no other option.

How do I reset my biological clock without feeling the horrible effects? That feeling of laying in bed for over an hour, unable to sleep….the feeling of pure restlessness. The way you feel when the alarm clock goes off an you’re so tired it literally hurts to open your eyes? I need to get past that TODAY.

As difficult as it will be, I am actually looking forward to the transition from night owl to early bird:-)

Principles

So yesterday I sort of got into an argument with a lady on one of my birth clubs. I guess I was already having a rough day because usually I am VERY good at ignoring people that i’m not fond of. I am not saying my shit doesn’t stink and I don’t have my own evil ways about me now and then. Bu I do have one major pet peeve. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I HATE gossip…..passionately. I passionately hate gossip. It makes me extremely angry. I have actually gotten into several arguments with my husband because I felt he was gossiping about someone. I’ve had a lot of negative (untrue) gossip spread about me in my time- lots of assumptions made about me….so I guess it just hits a nerve. I am not saying I don’t gossip at ALL. There have been times I have been asked to keep a secret and ended up spilling the beans to my husband or parents or something….. but I am not talking about that. I am talking about malicious gossip….. gossip with the sole purpose of slandering someone else. THAT I do not have any part in. It’s unfair and trashy.

Every time I turned around this girl was talking about her family and friends. Mind you, she is telling this stuff to a group of women on the internet that she doesn’t know. When she does it, she isn’t looking for any kind of feedback to help the situation- just looking for a posse of people to agree with her on how screwed up these people are. Well- yesterday it was about her so-called friend. She started out *ok*…. like saying her 33 year old friend stayed the night at her house…. First thing, if this woman is staying the night at your house, I would assume she thinks of you pretty fondly. She pointed out some quirks about her, like she has a crush on Zac Efron so she has to be immature…. she thinks sex is gross…. among other things…. then ended with, “Time to grow up yet?”. I simply responded at first and said basically, who doesn’t think Zac Efron is hot LOL. Have you seen that move 17 Again?! Really.

But then as more and more people started suggesting that something must be wrong with the woman, she started spilling more personal information about her. She started saying the woman was socially behind, hangs with nothing but odd people, doesn’t bathe often, has greasy nasty hair, looks bad without makeup, etc…. Now I know you are probably thinking- how does this affect me? I don’t even know the woman making these comments personally, let alone know the person she’s talking about… well, here’s how it affects me…. it hits a NERVE. I can only ignore so much before I sort of snap…..and feel compelled to let a person like that know that it’s not nice. I would expect no different from other people. If I were doing something that hateful, REPEATEDLY, I would appreciate someone let me know about it…. because, maybe I am just not aware that I am doing it. And I would hate to know that a lot of people secretly think I am a total bitch. Even though no one else jumped on board and told her like it is, don’t think for one minute people didn’t think about it LOL. They told me in private that they had thought about it.

The way I did it was wrong. I should have left it at the first remark which was something like, “I would absolutely hate it if a friend of mine talked as badly about me as you do your friend. And if I found out she did, I probably wouldn’t be friends with her much longer.”…… But then she started getting catty with me after that so I kind of let her know this wasn’t an isolated incident, she always talks about people like this. She is always putting people down. I felt bad afterward because I hurt her feelings and that isn’t what I set out to do. I never tried to hurt her feelings, just make an observation in hopes she would check herself on it. So I put my big girl panties on and apologized in front of everyone else, then sent her a private message apologizing as well…. Let’s just say, the girl obviously loved the attention and loved the drama. I fed a dragon yesterday LOL.

But that brings me to my point. If you are gossiping about someone in this manner, be aware that it looks REALLY bad on your part. Be aware that even if no one ever calls you out on it, they are still thinking about it. They are thinking of you in not-so-pleasant ways. Do you really want people to think of you like that? It’s childish- to put someone down to make yourself look good is something we did in our school days. When you become an adult, you start getting a little more dignified…. your morals should already be well developed enough to prevent you from engaging in this childish pastime. If they aren’t, you need to do some serious soul searching. Ask yourself, “Who does this benefit?”. Are you looking for attention? Are you trying to make people laugh at the expense of someone else? I could talk about a LOT of people and get away with it- they would literally never know….. but the thing that stops me from that is my conscience. I would feel weighed down with guilt until I came clean about it in some way. Have I ever said, “Omg, did you see her hair?” Of course I have. But do I repeatedly belittle people around me, talk trash about every detail of their life behind their back? No. Not at all. It’s fucking wrong.

Sometimes I think I value my principles more than I value people…. because when someone violates my principles, no matter how close they are to me, I blow up. I will stand beside what I know to be right no matter who it offends in the process…. I mean, is that wrong? Sometimes I think people have no principles at all. They do whatever they think they can get away with and only feel remorse for getting caught.

Putting things back together

We didn’t do ANYTHING on the first haha. After all of the partying we did New Years Eve, everyone wanted to just relax. I don’t even think I got dressed that day. In fact, I don’t know what I did at all:-/ Yesterday we wanted to get the house back in order but our kids got inundated with toys on Christmas and we had no real place to put them. So my mom took me out to get about $200 worth of shelving and storage for their room. My husband spent a while putting it together and today we have to put up the shelves, finish organizing/tossing old toys……not to mention the mountains of laundry left to do. He stayed up until 4:30 this morning doing laundry and got about half of it done. I can’t lie, I kind of hoard clothes…. not just for myself but for the kids as well. We have WAY too many clothes around here. Today is his last day off so hopefully we can get at least *most* of the housework done today. I want everything finished by this weekend so I can enjoy my birthday with NO CHORES lol. Plus, it will be nice starting school off in a fresh clean house.

I love being a SAHM but I kinda suck at it. I am just not the most organized person in the world so balancing the chores, errands, Dr’s appointments, son’s school, activities, etc- gets a little much for me. Hopefully I can get it together while I am in school. I know most would probably think if I don’t already have it together, school would only add to the stress….. but actually, that’s not true for me. When I am under an immense amount of pressure in my life that forces me into a routine, I do much better. Like, when my husband has to work the overnight shift…. I get everything prepared the night before, get to bed at a decent hour, get up super early and start my day off on the right foot…. so hopefully my school schedule will kick my ass in gear.

Speaking of school, I am SO excited. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the time I have here with my family but sometimes it feels like something is missing. I have a lot of big ideas and I love being able to contribute those ideas outside of my personal life. I like meeting new people and mingling but no longer like the bar scene so school seems like the perfect outlet for me. It’s going to be a LOT of hard work because yes, I absolutely HAVE to keep my grades up. But for me, this is a challenge I have been ready for for a while now.

I had three New Years resolutions this year. Normally, I break out a sheet of paper and pen and fill it to capacity with things I would like to do but can’t really commit myself to. This year, I kept it simple. So simple, I didn’t even have to write anything down LOL.

• No more yelling unless the house is on fire or a game we are playing requires yelling!

My family is LOUD. At family functions, you can always tell when we arrive. My kids go crashing through the door, Ezra trotting very close behind, while I chase after them, dropping baby bags, purses, keys and screaming “settle down, this isn’t a playground!”. We are just a very chaotic family. At home, it’s no difference. The three of them chase each other through the house screaming like CONSTANTLY. It’s stressful and i’ve had all I can take. So, my husband and I are committing to not yelling back at the kids. No more yelling for each other from separate rooms. If the kids yell, they know they get a time out. Judea went to time out like 3 times yesterday for yelling. He gets mad at his sister and instead of coming to get me to help mediate the situation, he sits there and screams like a banshee. Nope, not on my watch lol. It’s something you have to become AWARE of before you realize how much it increases your stress. I am now aware of it and am putting my foot down.

• One cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning, decaf the rest of the day, NO caffeine after 6:00. 

Given the fact that I have been bombarded with panic attacks lately, it only makes sense to try and figure out WHAT could have triggered them. I literally had them every night for like three weeks straight. I figured it out: I am drinking coffee like ALL DAY. I would literally brew a cup at midnight! I swear I have about 6-7 cups of coffee a day. Since I recently got a Keurig Platinum, it only makes it that much easier to grab a cup whenever I feel like it. So my parents had a bag of decaf and I have DEFINITELY been putting it to good use. In three days I have found I am not on edge AT ALL. No more jitters. Was I an idiot? How could I think it was ok to drink that much coffee? I found studies online that showed people with underlying anxiety and depression can actually have caffeine induced panic attacks. Go figure. Since I have done this, I have been smoking less. Coffee and cigarettes go together like flies on shit…..ok maybe that’s not the best comparison….ummmm, peanut butter and jelly. The more I smoked, the more coffee I drank. The more coffee I drank, the more I smoked. My desire to smoke has severely decreased since cutting back on caffeine. So this one habit change will help me in so many other areas- less smoking, less frequent panic attacks, better sleep, etc…..

• Do good in school by any means necessary.

This  seems pretty self explanatory but this is actually a small step in a larger goal of mine- to finish what I start. I have this problem. I start things, they get boring or difficult and I throw in the towel, only to regret it with every fiber of my being down the road. I even regret knitting projects I never finished. It makes me feel like a quitter…. a failure…. not as smart as I think I am. I hate that so I am going to do this one thing. I am going to finish out this semester and do the best I can. I expect it’s not going to be fun all the time. I expect that I will lose sleep. I expect that it’s going to get rough. And I am ok with that. I am going to gauge my success with a calendar mapping out all 16 weeks of school. I will focus on one week at a time. All I am trying to do is get through the week and do the best I can. Keep up with my homework for the week. Study for that week. At the end of the week, it will be as if I graduated from that week and am promoting myself to the next week. If I can do this for 16 weeks, I will finish this semester with flying colors. Then, I can look back and feel accomplished and that much more motivated to apply that concept to other areas of my life.

Ok, ok, so there is a fourth one- to blog as frequently as possible. Usually I set out with these ungodly expectations of blogging every single day and it only stresses me out. So I am not committing myself to anything. Whatever happens happens lol. If I miss a day, it’s no big deal. But at least I plan on at least *trying* to blog more often:-)

Well that’s that. I have to go finish cleaning.