Monthly Archives: December 2011
If you don’t learn from your mistakes
You are destined to repeat them. True story.
Ever notice how most people have several issues that just keep popping up over and over and over again? Like- people who can’t seem to keep a job. There is a pattern in their employment history. They think it’s “just the job” so they find a new one, only to not be satisfied AGAIN. The cycle just repeats over and over and over again.
Financial issues. You can never seem to keep your head above water. You support a family of five off the same amount that your neighbor supports his family of five. His bills are paid on time, he drives a nice car, lives in a nice house and always seems to have money for extras….. yet you can barely keep your lights on, your car is constantly on the verge of breaking down, etc….
Relationship issues. Every guy you end up with seems to be emotionally unstable. He screams at you, throws shit, calls you names, cheats on you, etc…. in the end you settle for an asshole after concluding that all men must be dogs…..
I mean, really, I could go on. Patterns. We all have some sort of patterns in our lives. If you notice a negative pattern in your life, your best bet is to face it. Stop running from it. Stop assuming that if you just leave your current situation, everything will suddenly get better and you will finally be happy- because you won’t. These problems will haunt you for the rest of your life. They will never go away on their own. You have to deal with it NOW. Not tomorrow. NOW. The more you put it off, the more you waste your life away PREVENTING happiness. Stop saying, “Why does this keep happening to me?”. It keeps happening to you because YOU won’t deal with it. You would rather run and hide from it. But there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Look at your current situation. Look at how you feel. You will feel JUST LIKE THIS 5, 10, 15 years from now. The next job. The next girl. It’s always going to be there. Unfortunately these self destructive behaviors rarely *just* affect you. They sometimes affect everyone around you.
I can handle getting an “F” on a math test…. but I don’t know how I would be able to handle getting an “F” on life. I would really hate to get old, look back on my life and think- WOW. I did it ALL WRONG. That has to be one of the worst feelings…. to finally see things so clearly and not be able to do a damn thing about them. Do it now. Don’t let yourself down, don’t sell yourself short. The things that make you the happiest are sometimes the things you have to work the hardest at. Stop taking the easy way out. Easy is not always better. I don’t get excited when I cook a box dinner…. I never say, “Kevin, wasn’t that Stouffers Lasagna AMAZING?!?!” Because there was NO effort involved. I threw that shit in the oven and called it a day. No, I get excited when I spend a LOT of time in the kitchen, chopping, mixing, seasoning, tending to something special….. a REALLY awesome home cooked meal…. that’s when I feel like I have accomplished something.
You can run away from your situation and find something easier (and boy do I REALLY mean easy here….. TOO fucking easy)……OR….. you can do the hard thing….. you can STAY. You can stop running, stay right where you are- and work it out. You can work it out. You can make it better. It doesn’t seem like it right now because your head is all fucked up. Your emotions are haywire. But once the light turns on in your head and you realize “Wait….i’ve done this before. I’ve felt like this before.” then you will see your situation MUCH clearer. Everything will make way more sense. Stop romanticizing something that isn’t all that spectacular. You’ve felt like that before. Many times. Stay right where you are and get that old feeling back with what you already have.
Run all you want……but your problems will still be waiting for you when you get there…..
Just have to take a load off…..
If there is one thing I hate, it’s getting in the mix of someone’s personal business…. what a person decides to do with their life is usually their decision. But there are times when it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to keep your mouth shut and stay neutral about a situation. I’m literally SO mad about this I feel like screaming. I am by no means a perfect person. I have done some pretty dumb things before. But this takes the cake on stupidity…..
I’m not putting any names out there but if the person involved happens to read this they will know exactly who they are and that I am talking about them. My bad. Seriously. But this is my blog and this is where I get to really let loose. Better to do it here than to cause a scene elsewhere…..because OH let me tell you it has been hard for me to not cause a scene.
There are some good reasons to get divorced. I don’t agree with divorce but see it as the lesser of two evils in certain situations. I would rather see a woman divorced than to see her being emotionally or physically abused. Imo that’s one of the most legitimate reasons to divorce someone. There’s also the whole finding dead bodies stashed in your closet thing- that would make me want a divorce asap…..and a restraining order….. and a lot of powerful weaponry…. I don’t know if I would leave my husband over infidelity because I just haven’t been in that situation and don’t know how I would react. I guess it would just depend on the situation. No, sorry, I may say in front of all of my friends I would leave my husband if he cheated but at home alone, when I think about it, I don’t know if that would do it for me. Again, it depends on the situation. Anyways, those are just some of the reasons people get divorced….. Also, if you are with a person that you are having problems with that REFUSES to compromise just 100% doesn’t care about your feelings, comes and goes whenever, Idk…..that could be grounds…. because a marriage can’t work with only one person working at it. But then you have to think of how long is a reasonable amount of time to stay before you decide you’re done, have you exhausted all of your resources, etc, etc…. It’s complicated…..
I would NOT divorce my husband because- on a whim, I decided I don’t love him anymore. Because that would be foolish. Number one, I would ask myself if I ever loved him in the first place. My answer would be YES, of COURSE I loved him at some point…. because YOU DON’T JUST FUCKING UP AND MARRY SOMEONE YOU DON’T LOVE OR AREN’T SURE OF! If you say you were “pressured” into it, you have basically just labeled yourself an idiot, incapable of making your own decisions in life. You also labeled yourself a SELFISH ASSHOLE who decided, for whatever reason, to play games with another persons LIFE. Just to “see how it worked out”. This isn’t like buying a fucking comforter and deciding you don’t quite like the way it matches your bedroom decor and then get a refund…. You can’t get a REFUND from MARRIAGE! As if this is JUST about your life…. It’s not. You have now wrapped SO many other people up in your life. People who gave you their trust, moments of their life they can never get back, they confided in you, they loved you- and sometimes they even have your CHILD….. Yes, technically you can file for a divorce….. but it’s not as simple as signing a piece of paper and walking away from it. Like, Oh, well- it was fun when it was good and easy but now it’s kinda hard and sorta boring…… looks like it might require some work or GASP *counseling* or something. Nice knowing ya!
I’m sorry if this hurts….. but think of how many people you are hurting…. this hurts ME! It HURTS. Because I have thought about you in a certain way for a LONG TIME and now I feel like I don’t really know you….. I don’t know where you came from…..
The truth is- no one has ever told you like it is…. I think. I think you got away for far too long doing things your way and no one saying shit about it…. partly out of respect, partly out of fear of backlash…. But, this one’s for you bud…..
You are a coward. It hurts me to have to say that to you because never in my life have I considered you a coward, that would have been the exact opposite of what I have always imagined you being. I always had a deep respect for you. I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. Yeah you did a LOT of dumb things, but for the most part, I thought you were a man of tradition, a man of some sort of honor. There is no honor in what you are doing to your wife. There is no honor in what you are doing to your kids. You are a lover of YOURSELF. You are a lover of anyone who will wink a fucking eye at you and tell you something sweet. That’s who you are. You are the complete opposite of what I always thought you were. I thought you had dignity. You walk with your head high and look confident in yourself…. but given your current situation, the truth comes out. You are not confident. You have no dignity. You can’t even have enough dignity to be a MAN and tell people the TRUTH.
You must think the world around you is stupid. Don’t insult my intelligence. I know EXACTLY what you are doing and why you are doing it. Lying to the world doesn’t make the truth go away. And I don’t even think you are so much worried about admitting the truth to the world, you’re just that fucking selfish. YOU don’t want to admit the truth to YOURSELF. You don’t want to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you really are- and that is a COWARD. A man full of weakness.
SURE. Somedays I would like to get in my car and ride the fuck out. Just drive. Take all the bill money and drive to another state… I’d like to party on the weekends. I’d like to do something irresponsible just to say I did it. But I am a MOTHER FIRST and a WIFE SECOND. Do you think we all just get married, have kids and live happily ever after? FUCK NO! We ALL have problems you IDIOT! All of us get doubts. All of us question if we made the right choice at some point. Sometimes, it really isn’t easy making a commitment such as this. To decide to dedicate your life to OTHER PEOPLE. But guess what buddy? That’s EXACTLY what you did. You made vows to your wife before GOD that you would put her first. When you took on the responsibility of being a father- you PUT THOSE KIDS FIRST. This wasn’t forced on you so don’t prance around expecting people to feel sorry for you. YOU signed up for this. Are you telling me you are incompetent? I didn’t think so. You know what was involved here. Is this better for the kids? Or better for you….. close your eyes and imagine your KIDS. Do you think they would be better off with a weekend/holiday dad running around after any girl that bats an eyelash after him? Or do you see yourself changing some fucking diapers like your wife does….. spending nights in the ER with a hurt/sick child…..sitting at the dinner table helping with homework….. teaching your son how to ride a bike. Family photos with MOM and DAD. Not Mom, Stepdad, Dad, Dad’s new girlfriend….. Wake UP! Are you too blind to see how TRULY blessed you are?!?!?! What if those blessings were suddenly TAKEN from you AGAINST your will? What if you could never see those little angels again. Is it worth it? Really?
You, my friend, fit the description of EVERY other little boy who does the SAME little boy shit you are doing RIGHT NOW. That’s what you don’t want to admit to yourself. You are just like the rest of them…..absolutely no different. You didn’t make ANY attempt at reconciliation. You laid it all on her and basically told her to get it together, as if your shit don’t stink. You didn’t give it any time. You came back and told her it’s over. I never knew you could be so cold. Never. I just never thought you were the type but then again, maybe I never REALLY knew you in the first place. If this is how you have always been, I never really knew you. I expected something different from you. Totally different. I am a woman. You know how many guys like you I have met? PLENTY. Enough to say you are pulling the same shit they all do…… Right down to a tee, you are following the same path…. every move you are making right now has been done before. There is an entire genre of literature dedicated to men like you.
Signs of cheating: 101.
Yeah, I just went there. Priority number one should be your kids but you are just too caught up with HER to care. You aren’t 20 anymore. Grow the fuck up. Sure we all wanna grow up and work for google but in the real world, shit just doesn’t pan out that way. This is the real world buddy. You CANNOT go staying out every night drinking and partying with friends. You cannot divorce your wife to give you a free pass to run off with a girl that obviously hasn’t reached womanhood yet.
Because no, dear, she is not a woman. #1, if she were any respectable woman she would have NEVER became friends with you. She would have thought, “Why the hell is this thirty something year old man trying to hang out with me every night? He’s married with children. Gross.” Believe it or not, i’ve been in that situation….. I don’t care if I thought the guy could walk on water at one point, the minute I find out he is married and he’s trying to be buddy buddy with me- he now equals shit x’s 3. It’s disgusting. You are a grown man. Fucking act like it.
That’s your problem. You want your toys. You want your fun. You want your time. YOU want YOU. You don’t want to give YOU to anyone else. Your family is getting in your way of acting like a boy in puberty…. With your wife out of the way- you are free to do whatever the hell or whoever the hell you want. Then you can buy your kids random stuff and see them when you don’t have other plans…. best of both worlds, right?
WRONG.
Let me guess…. you had been getting bored in your marriage. Your wife put on a little weight and is exhausted. She’s gotten herself in a little rut because her routine is ALWAYS the same…. because remember, she’s only there for your entertainment. Couldn’t possibly mean that SHE is going through some shit too. Couldn’t mean that SHE also has been hoping for some changes. You found someone who would stick with you long enough to build your confidence up and now you are getting a little attention….. attention you never got before…. Did you NOT get the memo? There is a category of women out there that we normal women refer to as home wreckers. They are attracted to men who hold their shit down. Attracted to men who look like they can maintain a relationship. Attracted to men who appear to be good dads. BUT as soon as you become divorced- THEY DON’T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE. Kind of like how you find homegirl attractive, which btw, she’s not- at ALL. Your wife is WAY hotter and that’s real. But let her pop out 3 babies and go through an 8 year relationship with the same dude. We’ll see how cute she is then. She’s young.
So yes. Bored in your marriage. Started getting attention. Met “homegirl”. Let me take a wild guess at what you told her…. My wife doesn’t understand me followed by criticizing everything your wife does. Because you can’t let this girl know that your wife is actually pretty decent and chill. No. She’s satan. She makes your life a living hell. Then you start really getting attached to homegirl and can tell that she’s into you as well. Now it’s moved from my wife doesn’t understand me to I’m actually thinking about divorcing my wife. Because- in order for you to keep up your inappropriate fucking relationship with this girl, you can’t stay married. It’s sort of a deal breaker. And btw- how DARE you share personal details about your marriage with this supposed friend?! Are you THAT dumb? That is so disrespectful. Your wife sits at home handling business waiting for you and you get to put her on BLAST with this new chick? And you wonder why everyone is so appalled….. so now you are back and have gotten in too deep…..
I’m leaving. You’ve barely been home a month…. and wait…. wasn’t it in the first two weeks you decided it was over?! TWO WEEKS? Priorities ALL jacked up. You need to take notes from a real man, handle your family affairs EVEN if that means divorce, THEN buddy around with some TOTALLY random girl. But no…. I do know one thing about you and that’s that you are impatient…. too impatient to do the decent thing….
This is getting longer than I intended but to sum it up- everyone knows this has nothing to do with your wife and EVERYTHING to do with this girl. Everything. You……. aren’t….. fooling….. ANYONE. Nope. Not me, not your wife, not anyone in your family and apparently not even your friends are fooled. And when you become a divorced father of three, among other things going on in your life right now- who’s gonna want you then besides someone JUST LIKE YOU. That’s exactly what you are going to get- someone as foul and shady as you….. Do you really think a decent woman would want someone who did what you did? FUCK no! Those high maintenance girls you are fond of- for one, you damn sure can’t afford them. Little miss sweetheart you are seeing right now? Do you REALLY think she’s gonna want all of your baggage? You got ISSUES buddy. She’s too young to care right now because she probably doesn’t even take you serious. But when she grows up and becomes a woman and sees you for who you really are- she’s not gonna be there. Then where will you be? Living with one of your buddies who also doesn’t have his shit together? Preferably someone else dumb enough to leave his wife and kids for a random fling that didn’t work out? You are delusional. Ignore my relationship to you. I am a woman. I know these things. You are one of those guys we shake our fucking heads at like- can you BELIEVE this guy? LOL! Really, WHAT do you have to offer a woman? Not a marriage, that’s for damn sure….. A good father? Well, that depends on your definition of a good father…. Stability? Nope- there’s not telling when you’re gonna up and say fuck it- next…. A good time? Well, maybe for now…. but when you get old? Seriously? Who wants to bar hop and hang out with bands in their 40′s? Stay up all night playing rock band, listening to music and shit? That shit gets old just like you will. You’re gonna get old. You’re gonna be that old guy in the bar. And who is going to be your sidekick? That old woman in the bar. The kind of woman you want right now may be fun *now* but just think if she kept it up? She’d be a train wreck waiting to happen…..
I’m not even trying to convince you to go back to your wife because if my husband pulled the shit you are pulling i’d tell him to take a fucking hike. It’s an embarrassment…. ever seen Hall Pass where the guy is jacking off in the car and gets busted by the cops? Yeah. You may not REALIZE it right now or may be too caught up to care- but EVERYONE knows what you are doing. Seriously. Do you really think we all just fell off the stupid train last week? I’m insulted.
In closing- you better not have the balls to bring her around me. Ever. In fact, after this ordeal- I wouldn’t wanna meet ANY of your chicks. Because any woman who can settle for a guy who did this to his family obviously doesn’t have all her ducks in a row….. And one more thing…. what you are failing to realize is this is a MAJOR character flaw on your part. BIG time. It may not have anything to do with me but it sure as hell says a lot about you….. so just like you are dishing it out to your wife and kids- you have to deal with the repercussions elsewhere. Everyone lost a ton of respect for you…. Everyone.
The school situation
So I did everything I was supposed to do. I filled out all of my paperwork, took my placement test, completed orientation and the last step was to see an advisor and register for classes. I got up super early, cooked breakfast and actually ate it, then headed off to school to see an advisor.
First Problem:
She told me since I had already taken math twice that I would either have to take it at a community college in Orange Park (20 miles away) or pay out of state tuition ($1000 for a class that doesn’t even count towards my degree. It’s a prep class.) I wasn’t happy about that but I figured, it’s doable. So after she gave me the first blow, I was made aware of the next problem.
Second Problem:
She asked me if I planned on using financial aid to pay for my classes. Of course I did. She told me I wasn’t eligible. I kid you not, I was so young and stupid that I attempted 50 credit hours and only completed 12. Not joking. I didn’t know any better, honestly, I just dropped out of classes left and right, not even giving it a second thought. In order to receive financial aid, you have to have a 67% completion rate. I had a 21%. Some of those classes I dropped were after the deadline, so I got F’s in them. In order to qualify for financial aid, you have to have a 2.0 GPA. I had a 1.1. I need 48 credit hours to complete my A.A degree. She told me I would have to pay for 35 before I could possibly get my financial aid back. Which meant, I’d nearly be paying for my A.A degree. It’s totally worth paying for, but not possible at this time with a family of 5 on one income.
I cried. Right there in her office, I cried. I had to leave in front of all of the students and staff with eyeliner and mascara running down my face. I know I didn’t take school serious back in the day but now I WANT to go to school. I NEED to go to school. And was basically told I can’t.
Solution #1:
I went to my parent’s house crying my eyes out. My Dad told me not to worry, he’d pay for it. No strings attached. He wanted me to go to school and he knew how much I wanted to go. So I was BEYOND excited about that. I drove out to Orange Park to register for my math class. I had to be in math in order to enroll in any other classes. I get there and the woman behind the desk is totally out of control. She was so rude and unhelpful. After fighting with the computer to take my registration, I gave up and went back to my school. I spoke with another advisor and she told me I could take a remedial math class. So I went and spoke to the professor the next day and got signed up, bought the course, life was great. I took his letter to the office to show proof of registration so I could register for my other classes. I also had to show them a letter stating that my student loan was paid off. So they sent me to speak with financial aid.
Solution #2:
The financial aid advisor said I needed to take the proof of payment to advising. She said the only thing she needed was a verification form and a waiver to deduct any unpaid expenses from my financial aid. I asked her why that was the case if I am not getting financial aid. She said I AM getting financial aid and the people in advising didn’t know wtf they were talking about- yeah, after I cried and caused a scene. She said I am on academic warning and have one semester to bring my GPA up to a 2.0 and completion rate to a 67%. She said she knows that’s not possible so what I do is take those classes, keep my grades up, COMPLETE those classes, then file an appeal for an extended semester. She said I go through this process until I have met the requirements. Problem solved. Not easy, but, doable.
So I am finally enrolled. I’m registered. It’s DONE! I am taking English, Humanities Forum, Human Growth and Development, Foundations for College Success (required because of my academic warning) and pre-algebra. Yes, pre-algebra. Though I scored a 132/150 on writing, I scored an 85/150 in math LOL. I SUCK at math. So that is going to be my biggest challenge. And I have until the end of March to pass that class.
I am thinking about majoring in Philosophy and minoring in Creative Writing. No explanation needed for those who know me lol. Next week I am going back to school shopping:-) My Dad already bought all of my books online. I feel like a kid again haha. Only, a responsible kid lol….
So it wasn’t easy, and several times I thought about just giving up and saying forget it. I mean, I am already pretty busy with my three kids and meeting all of their needs. But even though I know this is going to be a challenge, I also know it will be very rewarding in the long run……
Cool Cats….
I think my uncle refers to people as cool cats, not sure lol. Anyways, to my subscribers, I am so sorry about slamming your inboxes with these totally random posts. I am just inspired to post today. Might not happen again for a bit since the holidays get crazy around here. Anywho.
First off, I am very aware of my own flaws. A little *too* aware. But let me elaborate on one of the many breeds of human beings that sort of peeve me. Mind you, this is not ranked high on my list, yet still, it makes the cut. I get along well with almost everyone. I love diversity. I pride myself in being pretty diverse as well…. but I just can’t seem to “like” people who “try to be cool”. To me, they just aren’t very likable. For some, this isn’t a dominant personality trait and their pros far outweigh this con. But for some, this is like a lifestyle choice. Like they *literally* live to be cool….and fail.
I am not talking about teenagers. Hey, I tried to be cool at some point in my life. But then, I had an epiphany. I think it was when I reached adulthood. I realized that you honestly can NOT be cool when you are trying. Adults who live to impress others are slightly repulsive. It’s just something you usually attribute to a teenager in the prime of their high school years. Hey, actually, this even extends into the college years. But when you start approaching 30, it’s time to knock it off. Contrary to what you may believe in that cool head of yours, people can spot a fake from a mile away. The only people who go for your shenanigans are people who are also trying to be something they are not. I guess this doesn’t just apply to people who try to be “cool” (i’m tired of that word too, it just perfectly describes my hypothetical scenario). There’s also the girl/whore who would literally walk on broken glass in a flaming inferno while simultaneously being surrounded by snakes, just to impress a random guy that she is not even interested in, for the sake of gaining his attention. The attention whore. That’s her. Then you have the moms whose kid invented an anti-gravity space craft while still in the womb, who buys only >insert overrated brand name here< strollers at the killer price of $500 because for that price, you are basically stealing it, it's so cheap, whose child's 3rd birthday cost more than my wedding, honeymoon and 1 year anniversary combined———-etc….. I don't like frauds. PERIOD. I despise them.
Now, while I despise blatant frauds, I am still slightly annoyed by their not-quite-as-faudulant counterparts. These are the tricksters. They ONLY put rims on their car because that's what they feel they are supposed to do. They ONLY wear coach bags (throughout this blog, you will see my hate for designer bags intensify- probably as my kids get older and I can afford less and less shit) because that's what women are supposed to wear. They upgrade their electronics YEARLY, not because they are techies or enthusiasts of any sort, but because they noticed the 70 inch LCD box at their neighbors curb and feel the need to keep up. Edit: Oh, i’m sorry. As I was typing this up I decided to google tv’s just to make sure I was keeping up with the times. Apparently the 70 in. LED’s are what’s hot in the streets right now. And if they are not, please feel free to correct me.
With these people, there is rarely a creative bone in their body. There is absolutely nothing unique about them. They are like robots….and I HATE robots lol. I really mean that. It’s creepy. It’s creepy to take the position of an innocent bystander, watching these people throw their lives away in this manner. There is an old saying that goes like this: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But here is another saying: All things in moderation. I can understand seeing a girl with a cute ‘do and being inspired to adopt said ‘do as your own. I can understand being inspired by a person’s achievements and wanting to follow suit. I totally dig the idea of being put on to something new. But if you are one of those people that locks in on another person and shadows their every move, please stop. If you live to have what everyone else has just because they have it and you have to have it too, stop. If you make a life out of following trends, ignoring who you are inside, stop. It’s too much. Waaaaaaaayyyyyy too much.
I sort of veered away from the original purpose of this post, but that’s ok, it doesn’t have to be PERFECT OR ANYTHING lol. Our lives are not perfect. We are not perfect. We never will be. If you are a middle aged business man dying to let your inner homeboy out- just DO IT. If you bought your child a shirt from the clearance rack at walmart- ADMIT IT. If that’s not a real coach bag but you like it anyways- CONFESS. None of you are fooling me. We have all picked our noses. ALL of us. We frequently take dumps. We check our asses out in the mirror, sometimes inspecting them. All of us have tripped at some point. All of us have farted in a not-so-fart friendly location. Dr’s do it. Lawyers do it. Strippers do it. Rappers do it. The president of the United States does it. Your neighbor is probably on the toilet rocking back and forth *right now*. The pope has farted. No disrespect or anything, but he has- a lot. I am not trying to gross anyone out, just trying to bring things back down to a proportionate scale of reality. In the real world, we are all actually pretty gross. That’s the kind of thing I think about when I am forced to be in the presence of someone who thinks their shit don’t stink. It DOES stink- maybe not all the time, but, sometimes. This is why I don’t feel uncomfortable around people. This is what helped me overcome my social anxiety. We are ALL human. At some point, your shit is going up on craigslist half off. Or maybe it will go on Ebay. Maybe you will give it to your friend. Maybe it will end up in the dump. The only thing I remember about my car seat is that it was brown and I left crayons in it and they melted to the seat. I have no clue what brand it was. I don’t remember any of the jokes that the “cool people” told me at parties. I have no idea what my first-ever boss looks like. Life……goes……on. Live it. Stop living for other people. Be yourself. If you are the stereotypical rap-only guy……don’t be afraid to blast Britney Spears, if that’s what you really like. Some of you get so caught up in trying to impress others that you have NO CLUE what you really like. Don’t die nameless. Leave your own *unique* mark on this lovely planet.
