Moon River

I was going to post a single line from this song but it totally felt like I cheated on the rest of the lyrics. This song sounds like dreams feel like……

Moon river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you’re going, I’m going your way

Two drifters, off to see the world, there’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waiting round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river and me

Moon river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you’re going, I’m going your way

Two drifters, off to see the world, there’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after that same rainbow’s end, waiting round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river and me
Moon River and Me

Love your husband

I mean really, REALLY love him. Just love him. I have a problem with sometimes making things about me. Me and how *I* feel. I have a slightly more (ok, way more) dominant personality than Kevin. Kevin is chill and doesn’t really take up issue with much. So it’s kind of easy for me to complain about my day and how rough it is and ask him for help with like dishes and stuff…… EVEN THOUGH he had a full workday, himself. He doesn’t complain about it. I’m telling you, God has blessed me with such an amazing husband and father for my kids that I sometimes feel like I don’t really deserve……

But here’s what i’m saying. Don’t complain about your husband. Don’t speak poorly of him to others, even your family. Want the best for your husband. Desire to see him succeed. Desire to see him get better. Encourage him. Appreciate him. If you see something he could improve upon, don’t belittle him….. advise him as lovingly as possible because you want to see him do better, not because you want to be right and one up him. Understand that NO ONE, including you, no one is perfect….. so don’t spend so much time focusing on his not-so-great qualities. See him for how great he is. 

Kevin and I don’t have a perfect marriage (and neither do you, for what it’s worth). We sometimes argue. We sometimes doubt each other. We show our love a little differently and sometimes it’s easy to forget that we just have different ways of showing love. But i’m telling you. As sure as that sky is blue and the sun rises and sets every day, I love my husband with everything that I am. I want nothing but good for him. I want to see good things happen to him because he deserves it. Kevin has great morals. He is a good listener. He doesn’t expect handouts. EVER. He wouldn’t be okay with anyone else picking up his slack. He’s not about freebies and letting stuff slide. He is a MAN. He is a provider. He is a protector. Not just for our family but for others as well. He wants justice for people. He wants good for those who truly deserve it. He shows mercy to people. He loves. He smiles. He shines. Honestly. He is an amazing human being. 

It’s so easy to get distracted in life and make things all about you and your wants and needs and blah. But step back. Sit down. Reflect. Who did you marry? Appreciate him. Love him. Be there for him when he needs you. SUPPORT him. If you are blinded by the problems of the day, because we ALL have them, if you are blinded by his flaws, because we ALL have them, make a list. Write it out. Put it in black and white, as I am doing now, and remind yourself of how truly awesome your husband is. Let him know it. 

I think it’s an instinctive trait of women to want to improve everything….. or maybe it’s just me. I see a good thing and think of what it lacks and how I can make it better……. And so i’ve noted the things that Kevin lacks (never mind my hot mess self)….. but then I always come back and reflect….. and I think WAIT A MINUTE. This man plays with my hair and rubs my back almost every single night to put me to sleep like i’m 2 or something. He calls me every chance he gets without me asking or reminding him. He is always exactly where he says he will be. He doesn’t stay out like EVER. If he does want to go off with a friend or whatever, it’s NEVER sketchy and he has no problem calling or texting to let me know he’s okay, so I don’t worry. He understands I worry anyways and doesn’t get pissy about me calling him and waiting up for him. He LOVES my family as his own. My sister is basically his sister, my brother is his brother and if either of them ever needed him, he’d be there in a heartbeat. He gave my freaking mom a piggy back ride when she couldn’t walk. I remember one time I wanted a vanity so he surprised me and hooked some lights up to my desk. It was the sweetest thing ever. He gets uncomfortable when i’m sick because he doesn’t know what to do or how to make it better….. he doesn’t like that…… but who is the one holding my hand through everything I face? Kevin. Kevin is. He’s the one who is there, the one I can count on through thick and thin, the one that never lets me down. 

I want to make his life better. Why? Because I genuinely, wholeheartedly love him. 



I need to just go ahead and write about this to get it off my chest. I really can’t even watch stuff like this because I get SO, so, SO, SOOOOOOOO angry. I mean, I think about awful things…… like how if I were there, every single person in that house would get knocked upside the head with a frying pan. If I were to witness something like this, firsthand, I truly believe i’d go crazy and scare the crap out of everyone by sheer insanity. They just wouldn’t know what to expect. I get angry thinking about this…..

I get very angry. 

First, let me say that I DO feel sorry for the bullies. I do. They are just as damaged as the kids who are getting bullied. It’s hard to see it that way but you really do have to at least TRY to see the world objectively…… this is the truth. Bullies are damaged people. A lot can contribute…… They could have been victims of abuse or bullying, themselves. They could be weak people just trying to fit in as a way to protect themselves from getting bullied. They are broken. There is a void in them that they try to fill through violence, by feeling in control of at least *something*. So. I get it.

I still get very angry……

Bullying is a VERY obvious weakness. It takes real courage to stand up for people when no one else will. Just look at the dude in this video. I have to be mean really quick because, though understanding, i’m still human. And I’m pissed. This is the lamest looking dude I have ever seen in my life. Seriously. What is he supposed to be like, a gangster or something? LOL! Best way to teach this boy a lesson is to drop him off in some projects somewhere like New Orleans or Cali or Detroit or something LOL. Drop him off with a bandanna on his head and a shirt that reads, “thug life” hahahahaha. That will straighten his scrawny little ass out. And this chick in the halter top. Oh my God. She’s already a baby mama. She’s going to be one of those washed up old women that bar hop into their 50’s wearing cheap polyester dresses with bad dye jobs and a smoker’s cough. Probably take out a hit on an ex-husband or something so she can claim the insurance. Just trash. The whole lot of them, trash. I would say that someone needs to tell them this, but I feel someone may already have. I just want to sit down with all of them and have like a round table discussion. Like seriously rent a banquet space, somewhere official…… and with the most serious look I could possibly conjure up, I want to tell them, “Every. Single. One of you….. all of you….. even you, grandma. You’re all wack as fuck. You are the lamest group of people i’ve ever seen in my life.” And I want to have a dialogue with them and just run down the list of everything wrong with them. I specifically want to play the footage of the white Jeezy who beat on this poor kid…… I want to really invest some time in explaining to him that under NO circumstances are you hard for beating up an autistic kid. That is the polar opposite of thugged out. The autistic teen looked like the most NORMAL one there….. he’s getting beat up and he’s acting accordingly. Nothing weird about it. But fucking Tony Soprano over here is breathing hard, rowdy as all get out, acting like he is part of a crime mob or something…… eating on an autistic child. Then the typical college whore comes staggering out of the back room with a budweiser, screaming in the usual drunken white girl, incoherently high pitch…….. Grandma, who we just KNOW is a pothead and pill popper without ever even having to see her, ironically SCREAMS at the kid and threatens him about waking the grand baby. That poor grand baby. This is the shit i’m talking about. Babies being born into the most screwed up situations possible. It’s not fair. They were all born into trash. Trash is all they know how to be. 

This hits home for me because, if i’m not mistaken, the boy Aaron who got beat up is more like high-functioning autistic….. like Judea. Judea wants nothing more than to fit in. Even at his expense. Makes me think about the kid who bullied him on the bus….. the child had behavioral issues or whatever and he bullied Judea….. but Judea remained friends with him. A kid can treat Judea badly every day but so long as the child pretends to be his friend, Judea is ok. He is heavily influenced by everyone. I am so, so scared for him to go into middle school. I’m scared for ANY of my kids to have to go to middle school or high school, but especially Judea for obvious reasons….. People are just shitty. They just are. They can insult, harass, and beat a child then move on like nothing happened….. but it will stick with that child for the rest of their lives. It can change that child forever. I will never forget when I first moved here to Jacksonville. I came from a smaller town, grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone, etc…. and came here to start 6th grade. I was in line at the water fountain in the locker room at Jeb Stuart. I knew literally NO ONE. I was the new girl that knew NO ONE. No friends. Didn’t even know the city. Just new to everything. I took my turn at the fountain and some black girl pushed me out of the way and said “Do something, white bitch.”…… For absolutely no reason at all. Of COURSE I wasn’t going to do anything. I was terrified. No friends to back me up, no clue who she was friends with…… Luckily, a more popular black girl stood up for me and dared her to mess with me again…. her and I became friends and so I at least had someone who would protect me from the lunatics that went to that school. Eventually I made friends with the other sort of outcasts and that was that. 

I’m not saying I NEVER make fun of people. Sometimes, I can’t help it lol. Yesterday I saw a woman wearing an outfit that literally made me squint. Sometimes I can’t help but laugh at people. But I don’t pick on people to try and make myself feel or look better. EVER. I just. Don’t. Do it. I don’t. I don’t care who it is. I don’t care how big and bad a person is. If I see someone picking on someone else maliciously, i’m calling them out. Straight up. I don’t like it at all. This poor kid was crying. What kind of heartless bastards are these people?!?! And he’s embarrassed. There is a page for him on FB that is giving updates on the situation and they say he is utterly mortified that people have seen the video but understands this is what it took to get these wackos in jail and raise awareness for bullying. Poor guy. Some really hot girl needs to date him and show all of those clowns what’s up. Ugh it just makes me sick.

If you pick on people that are weaker than you, you are a PUNK. No joke. You are a punk and everyone knows it. If you laugh and pick on people and clown them with your friends, you’re a punk. IF you ever want to look legitimately sissified, pick on someone who can’t really defend themselves. I’m not TOTALLY anti. I know that social groups are necessary for a civilized society…… but they can be so detrimental….. when you’ve got people sitting there with their cell phones just recording this bullshit and showing no emotion, we’ve got a freaking problem. The people who filmed a woman getting beat up while her toddler tried to defend her, y’all are some punks. The people who film all of these school fights, public transit fights, street fights, etc…… and do nothing…. just stand there and laugh like a bunch of easily amused morons, you’re all punks. You aren’t an innocent bystander. You’re looking for a cheap thrill. 

I can’t. I’m getting too mad lol. This kid. I wish I could be a teen again with the perspective I have as an adult because I would form a fucking militia and rise up against the bullies in a VERY serious way lol. I’m done. I’m getting out of control. I don’t like bullies. Of any age……. internet bullies. Ok ok I have to stop. Screw you guys.

Beach Resort Dream

Our whole family went to stay at a beach resort. It really was like the places you see in the pictures of exotic beach resorts. There was a row of huts right on the water, literally surrounded on all sides. We were *in* the ocean. I’ve gotta say, it sort of felt like I was rewarded last night by being able to dream about this lol. Maybe this was God’s way of saying that I would also enjoy a beach anniversary. Me and Kevin’s big 5 year is next year and we’ve been tossing around ideas of where to go. Zip-lining in the mountains does sound sooooooooo fun…… and we tossed around the idea of an NYC trip….. but I know that Kevin wants an authentic beach getaway experience. I do too…… if we could afford Hawaii lol. I wouldn’t mind Hawaii. I like the beach, don’t get me wrong….. but there is no lack in beaches around here lol. Whenever I get the chance to get away I always want to go to the mountains because we don’t have anything like that here. ANYWAYS. The dream was nice. It was seriously like swimming in a glass of distilled water lol. Crazy gorgeous. I threw some of my food in the water and just watched the fish swarm and eat it lol. Vayda jumped in, not realizing it was so deep, so I had to save her…… Nova dove in and I had to save her, as well. Those moments almost hijacked the dream and turned it into a nightmare….. but for the most part, I just enjoyed being at the resort. That’s pretty much it…..

What’s my age, again?

Sorry about the naked dudes lol. This song was the first thing that popped in my head when I considered writing about this. It’s funny because there is a song for almost everything I write. I should start posting them lol. I just relate everything to music, it’s such a bad habit of mine lol. And I really like Blink 182. I know they’ve been criticized but shove it lol they’ve always been awesome in my book. And I have a big book with high standards.

This isn’t about a naked band or whatever, I promise.

I “liked” another page on FB that is SO inspirational. I really should stop being so lazy and getting the links for these things I speak of. You know what? I’m gonna do just that. Because you’re awesome. Here ya go: The Optimism Revolution. See? It even sounds legit. I’m on it. I’m all about optimism. As a matter of fact, one of the science pages I follow (might be ASAP Science?) solved the “glass half full or empty” dilemma. It’s FULL. 1/2 water, 1/2 air. Now have a seat. But yeah, this page posted this:

Be friends with people who aren't your age


Real quick, before I continue. I have SO many grammatical errors in my blog. I’m not illiterate. I’m lazy. There is a huge difference. Post before last, I mentioned that my crush was “wondering” around. I know it’s “wandering”. I just don’t feel like it lol. There’s a difference between not knowing any better and not giving a shit.

I’ll continue.

So yeah, that quote above pretty much was taken right out of a section on “Kristi’s life philosophy”. Basically. I’ve always been this way. The grown folk would always call me “wise beyond my years” because I could carry serious conversations with grown folk as if an age barrier did not exist. I’ve always been like that. I’m still like that. Even when speaking to people far younger than me, I don’t have that natural “authoritative” demeanor like, “Youngen, i’ve been around the block a few times”…… Even though I have, so sit down lol…… but really, I don’t even feel it. I don’t feel like i’m above teenagers. Yeah I look at their problems as being RIDICULOUS and they are so reckless it’s scary…… but I admire their energy. Especially this generation. Oh man. Way different from when I was a teenager. No one gave a shit about shit back then. Now, young folk actually stand for things…… even if I don’t always agree with what they stand for, at least they stand for something, right? I just admire the drive and ambition, the “You can’t tell me no” attitude. I respect the opinion of my peers. I admire the wisdom of my elders. I don’t see age, really. I mean that, sincerely. If you see me speaking to the elderly, i’m not trying to be polite. If you see me having a conversation with someone my mom’s age, it’s not out of respect. I genuinely like associating myself with all sorts of people…… no matter what age they are.

I have a certain set of world views, yes. But I respect that everyone else does, too. I don’t look at teens as being “worse than we were”. It’s all in context. My parents were rebels just because my Dad smoked pot once in college and grew his hair long….. and my mom went behind my grandpa’s back and changed into some go-go boots and a mini skirt for a football game. Whatevs. They did some wild stuff back in their youth. So did I. I dressed as a homeless black man and met a stranger off a chat line…… and he took my friend and I out to shoot pool. Just like that. I threw an entire birthday cake at the drive through speaker at McDonalds because they always chopped and screwed my order. It happened. I’ve charged dudes and tackled them, I’ve gotten out of my car and fought at a red light, i’ve been so high I thought my left side didn’t exist anymore, i’ve punched a rare african plant that was worth a lot of money because I thought it looked like an alien pod…. I’ve done DUMB stuff. So who am I to judge these cats? lol. (yeah, i’ve got stories to tell haha)

I don’t fault my elders for their ignorance in social justice. It’s how they were raised. It’s all they know. Once someone has been indoctrinated, it becomes a prison that few ever escape. How can I fault them for something that is sometimes beyond their mental capacity to change? I can’t. Like it or not, the majority of the population simply can’t process very many original thoughts. It’s like they top out at a certain point and once they’re there, they’re done. Turkey’s done, it can’t cook any longer lol. They don’t grow. No progress. They regress. I can’t knock them for that. Ignorant white folk who think black people are lazy welfare leeches…… they’ve been INDOCTRINATED from the time they were young. Black folk who think all white people are racist, KKK, rednecks that smell like wet dogs? I just can’t be mad at them for it. This is what they were always told. I don’t agree with any of it and i’ll stand by what I feel is right, but I just can’t get mad because someone can’t expand beyond their culture or ethnic group or religious group or whatever else to see the bigger picture. Not many people can. Not knocking or anything but my SIL stated that she can’t be friends with a Republican because Republicans are all dumb. To me, that’s just crazy. But that’s how some people think. That’s how democrats think. That’s how republicans think. There is power in numbers……. and sometimes that power is used against your better interest. You’re gonna go down with your team. You rejoice in the victories, sure…… but understand that you also share in the failures. I have no problem jumping ship. I can be REALLY into a TV series but as soon as it starts to suck, i’m out son! I’m not sticking around like a dope head out of sheer “loyalty”. I’m done. I could be rooting for a team but as soon as they lose their way and begin shifting to shenanigans, i’m out. I have no problem walking away from anything. I don’t willingly tie myself up to shit. I think the strongest ties I have to this earth is my family. That’s it as far as this earth is concerned. I will cut ties with anything, anyone, any situation, doesn’t matter…… if I feel it no longer serves me well. If I feel my morals have been violated, it’s over. I have no problem standing up for myself and what I believe……. but I change and I can admit I change. I don’t do things “just because it’s always been done that way”. I could be DEAD SET on some ideology and then suddenly have an AHA moment and i’m like, wow? What was I thinking? So many people can’t or won’t do that. They will defend things until the day that they die so as not to admit that they were probably wrong or mistaken.

I feel sorry for the babies born in Iraq…… and guess what? All of those men that are over there killing Christians…… they were babies, once. Babies who became kids…. kids who become sponges….. sponges who suck up indoctrination. They are taught from a young age not to question things. Who is there to challenge them? They all think the same. They follow the crowd. Think about the Holocaust. How could so many every day folk just turn on their neighbors that way? Indoctrination. It’s dangerous. Group think is dangerous. You, right now, are susceptible to being indoctrinated. You are susceptible to doing awful, awful things to your fellow human being…… You just are. If you can’t boldly go against the flock…. if you can’t stand up and say, “I don’t accept this”……. and go against your family, your friends, your colleagues, etc….. then what makes you any different??

Take a look at your friends. Seriously. How old are they? Did most of them go to school with you? Do they look like you? Same color skin? Similar fashion sense? Taste in music? It says a lot about you. If you only ever expose yourself to the same kinds of people, if you can’t tolerate being around a “redneck” or someone from the “hood”……. if you can’t have an intense conversation with someone 3 decades your senior…… if you can’t hang with someone with a very heavy accent and totally different way of life….. well, it says something about you….. Are you “too smart” to chill with someone who never graduated high school? Are you “too righteous” to speak to your pagan neighbor? Are you “too pretty” to hang with someone severely overweight and not up-to-par on the fashion tip? Come on, serious questions here.

Try to expose yourself to a variety…… and not for your own personal benefit….. not because you want to be “well cultured”or because you want things to talk about….. lol….. do it because you genuinely desire to know and understand people….. to embrace our differences. I don’t care how forward thinking you are…… if all you’ll only associate with people like you, you’re missing out on such a rewarding, enriching part of life and the human experience in general. Not trying to point fingers here but progressives can be so very bad at this…. and i’m pretty progressive in a lot of aspects, not all, but many….. but hey, think about the last remaining indigenous tribes on earth…… the ones who have nothing to do with same sex marriage or solar energy or abortion or whatever whatever….. they are so far out of that loop, it’s not even funny….. and yet, they’re human. Real, living, valuable human beings…… who are here for a purpose. Yes, even THEY are here because they are supposed to be here, they’re valued by our Creator. They’re important…… and they don’t concern themselves with anything we’ve got going on over here…… Associate with people much unlike yourself and try to be open…… no matter how bad it hurts or how bad your brain wants to reject new ideas….. if anything, let it pass through. Just listen. You don’t have to accept. Just listen and learn about people. I really believe that is the beginning of healing the world….. when you can stop being so fucking critical of people who don’t think like you….. when you can just shut up for a second and listen……

And now, it’s raining….. so this is on my mind lol:

Flooded parking lot dream

I was paddling a boat through a flooded parking lot. It was seriously a normal shopping center. Cars were stranded and I’m just paddling a canoe like everything is kosher lol. As I’m paddling, I’m thinking about how observant I am. I’m thinking about how I don’t really have a better memory than others, I just pay attention to more details than most people. I was thinking about all of the things I notice which most are probably unaware of. So I start paddling by Starbucks and just as I am about to turn in, a woman behind me is paddling while talking loudly on the phone, as if she is trying to draw my attention. She is talking to her husband about her YouTube video, saying it should be ready to upload by the 11th. She started talking about something that I had information on and so I began to offer her advice. It was regarding her relationship with her husband but I now forget the specifics. Her husband suddenly materialized in the boat. They waved goodbye to me and paddled into a wooden fence…… They literally went through it like a ghost and when they came out on the other side, they were in an alternate reality. I thought to myself “this is the perfect book!” And woke up.

I held a snake

Never mind the fact that we just drove nearly 4000 miles on an epic road trip to Minnesota and Omaha, with a nice little pitstop in Chicago or whatever….. and that we had the time of our lives riding jet skis and fishing and hanging with family or whatevs….

I held a freaking snake.

No, seriously. I held a snake. I will write more about our family vacation in the next few days once hubby gets the pictures edited.

Now….. about the snake…..

The snake.....

Roll your eyes and consider how TOTALLY harmless this snake is all you want…. this is MAJOR for me. Anyone who even casually knows me, knows I fear snakes probably more than anything else on planet earth or beyond lol. This is that irrational fear….. the one that haunts me…. 

Whenever I am outside….. ok….. about 80% of the time i’m outside (not-so-much in urban areas or ON the beach, sand dunes are another story) I am thinking about where a snake may come from. Wood piles = snakes. Trees? Snakes that can potentially drop from a branch and wrap around my neck. Tall grass? Thousands of snakes. Tarps? Snakes. Pools? Snakes. Rivers? Snakes. It’s all snakes. Everything outside is a snake hut. Sometimes, if I have thought about snakes too much…… bathrooms have the potential to be snake huts. Toilets. Drains. Plungers. All of them house snakes. Under my covers…… yes, i’m serious. Sometimes I think about a snake slithering under my cover. Just freaking snakes EVERYWHERE, ok?!?!?!

So. That’s how deep the phobia ran. 

I think it was back in 2008 that I REALLY started on some major self-reflection and came to the realization that…… I have control over my life. No one else does, only me. And so, I don’t really have to accept things about my life that I don’t like. Like…. I can change them. I have no right to bitch about things if I haven’t consistently put forth the effort to change them. I was a chronic complainer until I realized I really don’t have a right to complain about…… anything, really? I either accept things for what they are, change my perspective, or try to change things. Simple. Human nature tries to lure me back into my old ways of griping and moaning over stupid stuff….. but I think I have activated a part of my brain that is repulsed by seeming “bitchy” and so when I realize i’m bitching for no apparent reason i’m like whoa, slow you’re roll there sport lol. Because I am way too aware of how annoying it looks when other people bitch all the time. Like….. it just is, ok? Now, this does not include things that I GENUINELY want to change….. and so even if it seems like i’m bitching about things, it’s probably just not obvious to you that I see a problem and am actively working towards changing it. So chill……

Anyways. I’ve been bothered lately. I’ve REALLY been bothered by the fact that I am starting to feel helpless to situations. Like, no matter which way I spin it, i’m screwed, basically. I don’t like that at ALL. I don’t like that victim mentality whatsoever. I don’t like feeling helpless. I like feeling like I at least gave things an honest shot. Ya know? Like, some things really are beyond my control but I just won’t admit that or accept it until i’ve gave an honest attempt at changing things…..

So. I’ve started analyzing things that i’ve just accepted in my life as facts and started questioning those so-called “facts”…… The fact has always been, as long as I can remember, that i’m terrified of snakes. Take that check to the bank and cash it. The funds are there lol. I’m scared of snakes. Years and years of nightmares of being surrounded by snakes, unable to move, unable to speak or scream….. snakes everywhere…. it just convinced me that snakes are the enemy and are a part of this world that is totally off limits to me. I will always look at them in fear. My heart will race, my palms will sweat, i’ll lose my breath and tense up and that’s just the cards I was dealt so I might as well accept it. And so, i’ve accepted it. Why? Because, why not? Are there any legitimate reasons as to why I should change my perspective on snakes? Nope!

So I thought…..

It’s more than snakes. It’s FEAR. No matter what that fear may be, fear, to some degree, controls. Fear controls. I faced one of the biggest fears of my life by getting on YouTube in front of the WORLD and showing pictures of my jacked up teeth. It liberated me. It set me free. When you face your fears, you are freed. It can no longer control you. I don’t like being controlled. I’ll fight the control of fear with all my might. I won’t let it rule me anymore. 

We were in my brother and sister-in-law’s yard when she found this little garter snake. She casually picked it up and carried it over to her house to set it out of harms way, under her porch. It happened quickly but all I could think was HOW is she doing this?!?!?! How can she so casually pick up a snake when i’ve spent my entire life in pure HORROR at the thought of snakes? I didn’t like it at all lol. I didn’t like how free she seemed while I was just a prisoner to my fear. So I told her to hold up so I could touch it. I touched it. It was gross as hell….. but in a split second decision, I asked to hold it….. and I held it.

Just like that.

I know some are probably rolling their eyes thinking about how minor this is…… but this probably ranks in my top 5 of my biggest accomplishments in life. Crazy. I know. But that’s how big that fear is. I was tense. Everything inside of me was trembling. I was sweating. It felt like I could actually feel my blood moving through my veins. But it felt good. I can’t even explain how good it felt. YEARS of fear and there I was just holding a snake…… my own free will, I held it. 

I could accept that i’m scared of snakes and just watch out for them for the rest of my life….. but I don’t have to. I don’t have to be scared. Well, I can be scared but I don’t have to let it control me. I’m not saying to go out and pull some dumbo moves or anything. I never encourage blatant stupidity…… but when it comes to being scared, sometimes you just have to seriously say screw it and just do it. Just do it. That’s all you can do. Either let the fear consume you or just grab it and let it wiggle it’s tiny snake body in your hands lol…… and then release it. I’m not a dare devil. I am pretty good at calculating risks lol. Probably too good. So it’s not like i’m the type of person to just up and go buck and do something wild. I’m chill…… but I don’t let myself become so chill that I just accept things. Never. Makes me think about riding roller coasters in Vegas by myself lol. Like a boss, pretty much. Social anxiety in full effect but I did it anyways. Or the rush I get when I go hiking by myself. When I climb something a little sketchy. When I talk to someone who seems off-limits. When I let myself say something totally stupid. When I admit I’m wrong or admit I don’t have a clue what i’m talking about. Or the times when you’re like, “Screw it, can’t turn back now!” like when my mom busted my lip on the way to get my nose pierced and I had to go in the tattoo parlor looking like “in the arrrrrmmmmms offfffffff an annngeeeeelllllllll” lolololol. Or when I rode the gravitron at the fair one year when my big middle school crush was wondering around, and the gravity forced blood to the back of my pants in a stain so big it probably looked like I was hemorrhaging and I had to walk out of the fair like that lol in front of my crush…… or when you wear something that seemed like a good idea at the time and then you get in public and think WHAT was I THINKING but it’s too late to turn back now lol. 

I’m not letting this stuff control me. I’m just not. Not even snakes. Nothing. I’m over it. For real. I’m over stressing about things that just don’t hold weight. Things and situations that just straight up don’t matter. I’m not going to be controlled by anything or anyone or any snake. Pretty much. Now that I felt that rush, I want to hold another snake. It’s stuck in my brain lol. I’m telling you, this is how good it feels to face your fears…… it feels GOOD. It becomes addictive because it’s like you can literally see the spirit of fear parting ways with your body. It seeps out of every crevice until it’s gone and it can no longer dictate your life to you. Nice to know you! Peace! That’s how I feel. You should try it. Whatever you suck at, whatever you’re scared of, whatever controls you, face it head on and it totally loses it’s power over you. 

This is not a drill. I held a snake.