I miss my Grandpa:-(

Have you ever thought about something so long and hard that it feels, even if only for a moment, you are there in that place and time again? I’m finding myself doing that lately. I can just tell my Grandma has lost a major part of her and is now giving up on life. She doesn’t really want to eat. She doesn’t talk much anymore. She looks very frail and just…. unhealthy. I know this is a natural part of life. I know so many people out there in the world deal with this same thing…..but don’t we usually all find ourselves thinking that our situation is far more unique, far more different? 

I keep thinking about all of the time I used to spend with my grandparents as a child. Sometimes if I sit and think about it long enough, I can clearly see my Grandpa standing right in front of me. I remember everything from how he would keep his hands in his pockets to his slightly slouched posture…..how he would walk a little bit and then stop to think for a moment…..his facial expressions, everything. I miss him so much. 

I had a crazy dream the other night. My whole family went to some sort of Winter Wonderland type of place, fake snow and all. I guess it must have been December, if that’s the case. Anyways it was crowded and I could tell my Grandma wasn’t really enjoying herself. So I sat down with her at a picnic table to try and talk to her and cheer her up. She looked lonely and miserable, as if she were on the verge of crying. I glanced at the crowd of people going by and out of nowhere, my Grandpa appeared walking amongst everyone and I swear it was just how he would do it if he were in that environment, it was crazy. I screamed to my Grandma, “Look, it’s Grandpa!”. He heard me and turned around and smiled at my Grandma and started walking towards us. You could see her face instantly light up, as if something in her mind that had been turned off for a while suddenly turned back on. I woke up before he got to us. That’s one of those dreams that makes you want to go back to sleep just to see what happens, to see what he would have to say to us. 

Life goes by too quickly. It’s so sad that you live through a series of fleeting moments that you feel you will have forever, so you never appreciate them until you don’t have them any longer. I would give anything to have a moment with my Grandpa just to tell him how much he really meant to me. He was never the sappy type and it probably would have made him uncomfortable but at least for my own peace of mind, I would have gotten it off my chest. I would have told him how I would not be the person I am today were it not for having him in my life. He was such a smart man that knew a little about a LOT of things. He was just so smart, so quick witted. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this and I feel like I have swallowed a golf ball.

When people are sad about losing a loved one you feel sad for them, you try your best to comfort them…..but it’s hard to imagine what they are going through until you experience it for yourself. I am so blessed to have went so long in my life without losing someone that close to me. I lost my grandma on my Dad’s side in 97 but she lived in NC and we didn’t get the chance to see her very often, though she was a wonderful, happy and cheerful woman with a heart of gold. But my Grandparents on my mom’s side were like my second set of parents and so much of who I am in life and what I have learned along the way is all thanks to them. I am happy that I can carry their legacy in me, yet still it feels like a part of me died that day. The only way I have been able to really handle it is to push it out of my mind and imagine he is still at his home. It’s even hard to talk to my Grandma. It’s hard to see her in this condition and to know that just around the corner, I will be mourning again. 

Sometimes I like to pretend that the past still lives on somehow. Like in another dimension, I am a little freckle faced girl with messy hair and mismatched clothes, climbing the chestnut tree behind my grandparents house….. and my grandma is cooking dinner while my grandpa is working next to me in his garden. Life just goes by too quickly……

Gay Marriage

So I am already anticipating some backlash for this post, but these are *my* opinions that really have no effect on anyone’s life. *My* opinions. Mine. Not yours. Just mine. If we all agreed on everything, the world would suck. Let me start by saying, I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is the Word of God. Therefor, I have certain beliefs about homosexuality…..I believe exactly what the Bible says about it. HOWEVER…… Let me throw in my own personal business. I lost my virginity before marriage. I have had 3 partners in my life, one being my oldest son’s father, the next a random dude that I don’t want to talk about LOL, and the third being my husband. That’s actually pretty good these days. My oldest two children were born out of wedlock and ALL of them were conceived out of wedlock. Last time I checked, that’s a sexual sin. Now, what if the government told me that because my children were “illegitimate”, I can’t get insurance for them or claim them on anything. I know that’s probably a ridiculous argument but hey, that’s my thoughts. What if I was told that because I had sex out of wedlock, I cannot get married? I’m just saying….. I appreciate the fact that I still have my basic rights regardless of my choices in life. I feel gays and lesbians deserve no less. It’s a civil rights issue. If we allow everyone to practice their own religion in this country, INCLUDING Christianity, then who are we to pick and choose what people can and cannot do? I believe it is up to the individual to do what they feel is the right thing. I can’t judge anyone, I am not perfect and I have never met anyone who is. I absolutely despise when people get up on their soap box and talk about how homosexuality is an abomination, yet turn around and post up at the computer watching internet porn for hours. How many of you men or women out there have had sexual thoughts about someone other than your spouse? That is a sexual sin. Are you penalized for it? Nope. Why? Because that is God’s job. If this is supposed to be a Christian nation, then we need to stop picking and choosing what we want from the Bible. You can’t say, “No prayer in school” but turn around and say, “No same sex marriage”. How hypocritical is that? That’s why I feel in a free and open society the individual needs to decide what they feel is right and wrong, moral and immoral, or in line with their religion. We all will be judged at judgment day by ourselves. I know someone reading this is probably not Christian or interprets the Bible differently than I do and is hating me for saying I think it’s a sin. That’s ok. I am ok with that. I also know that there are some Christians reading this blog thinking how can I consider myself a Christian if I feel that there should at *least* be a civil union allowed between same sex couples for legal purposes, and that’s ok too. I’m sorry we all can’t agree on everything. I don’t know what it’s like to be homosexual because I am not homosexual. I do know that I have gay and lesbian family members and friends and they have just as much right to be themselves as I do. As a Christian I believe we are ALL brothers and sisters in Christ and the WORST WAY to try to lead someone to Christ is by playing God and casting judgement on them when we are not granted that authority. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I feel so sad that so many people refuse to even consider accepting Jesus Christ into their lives because of the hypocrisy in the church. I feel like I am woman enough to stand up and say I do not personally believe in gay marriage and that is why I am married to a man and not a woman. All of my gay/lesbian friends know my position and respect it. But at the same time, I respect their right to live life the way they see fit. There is plenty of sin in my own life for me to worry about than to try to criticize someone else. Let God be the judge of one’s heart. I believe by showing compassion and leading by example is the best way to go about things and it’s just completely anti-American to tell gays or lesbians that they have no legal right to make decisions on behalf of their ailing partner. It is not right that someone can’t get healthcare under their partner’s insurance. It’s not right that they can’t make funeral arrangements for their partner because of unaccepting family members that come in a play next of kin when in fact they haven’t spoken to their family member years. It’s just not right. The thing is, you’re not going to force someone into a heterosexual lifestyle by restricting their civil liberties. The only thing that comes out of that is basically to say, “Haha, I have control over your life”…… Homosexuals did not choose to be who they are, they have no more control over their sexuality than heterosexuals do and if you think otherwise, you should probably hang around homosexuals a little longer. It’s so easy to follow the hype, which most unfortunately do. Most people haven’t even read the scriptures that speak about a man being with a man and they are the first to throw the book at someone. That’s hypocritical as well. God has his own plan for everyone’s life. HE is in control. Not you, not me. God is. So I say let people live their lives. If this is what they choose, so be it. Bu for God’s sake get off your soapbox and appreciate the fact that you, as a sinner, still have your rights…..

wowwww lol

Your Free Numerology Reading

This reading is based on —
Birth Name: kristi *** ***
Birth Date: *******

Your Inner or Soul’s Urge: This is spiritual and emotional expression more than physical. It is your heart-felt desires, your incentive, how you look at life. Here are your areas of personal satisfaction.	Number: 11 You desire harmony, love, companionship, and peace with people; and you enjoy ease and comfort. You have great inner strength. You prefer kindness and thoughtfulness to the alternatives. As a dreamer and visionary, you desire others to know the necessity of living true to ideals. Many people call themselves your friend. You are a natural peacemaker and diplomat. You are often studious, attract many things to yourself, accumulate much wisdom. Spiritual and psychic sensitivity are available to you simply by your recognition of them. As such, you have the capacity to develop clairvoyant or other psychic abilities. You try to reveal the beauties you have seen and known. You enjoy study and accumulating wisdom, especially with a background of music. You are capable of remarkable inventions. Daily meditation may enhance your already considerable spiritual and psychic sensitivity, and this can allow you to cultivate more human understanding.
Your Personality: This is physical expression more than spiritual or emotional; your outer self, the way you express when meeting others. It may or may not be the real you.	Number: 9 You have a magnetic personality, although sometimes appear to lack forcefulness. Your pleasing manner can influence others easily. When not interested, you can appear distant. Usually you appear generous, tolerant, idealistic, altruistic, artistic, and, at times, mystical. You can seem to view life too seriously, especially when your emotions dwell on the negative. Your personality is not helped by wearing black. To enhance your appearance and personality, wear colors; clothing that is comfortable but not careless.
Your Quiescent Self: Stripping away all outside influences, aspirations, ambitions, “shoulds”, and “shouldn’ts” — this is you when you are alone; just you and your dreams..	Number: 9 You are a great humanitarian, eager to be of service for the betterment of all humanity. You support and perpetuate effective social organizations whose goals are the helping of mankind. You Love the human race. You are a great artist and your works serve to inspire others on a broad scale. Your thoughts and pleasure are being of selfless service to humanity in conjunction with personal Love and happiness.
Your Destiny or Ultimate Goal: This is your desired lifetime accomplishment. It is a key to a useful and happy life, and to feeling fulfillment during your latter days.	Number: 11 Your destiny is to serve the human race. You see where the spirituality of the world can be improved and work tirelessly to bring it about. You are intuitive, psychic, visionary, and inspired, with an innate desire for harmony and impersonal perspective; all of which allow you to serve most ably as a diplomat, reconciliator, counselor, and mediator. You enjoy exploring, inventing, writing, lecturing, and working with minute details; and you feel rewarded for your efforts whenever you receive tender acknowledgment from those who feel close to you. With your instinctive response to rhythm, you can contribute much with music. You are refined, spiritual, inspired, and have a vibrant personality.
Your Life’s Path: Here are clues to what fate has in store for you. It indicates the type of encounters, events, and opportunities you are likely to experience along your physical life path.	Number: 3 You are following a path of creativity and self-expression through art, beauty, friendliness, happiness, and harmony. Your creative force helps you through the obstacles life sometimes presents for your experience. You are a welcome addition to most any social gathering. You are a natural host and benefit from socializing. Give of yourself, freely and joyously. You are inclined to be imaginative, inspired, and able to tap deep emotions. You can express yourself well in artistic endeavors of your choice using colors (such as painting and interior decorating), words (such as public speaking, writing, singing, and acting), and form (such as sculpting).
This Year’s Path: Here is what you are likely to encounter this year — your feelings, your predominant perspective, and the type of situations, circumstances, and opportunities you tend to attract during the calendar year.	Number: 4 This is a practical year; no long leisurely periods for dreaming, personal indulgence, or careless living. It is a time to build the firm and secure foundation upon which your future depends, using practical values and steady application. It is also the time to work out the details of that project you’ve been thinking about. Read the fine print of all transactions. This is the year to find where you stand in life, and to be practical about it — to pay attention to details. This year demands a lot of work, not only to improve the present but also to build practical foundations for the future. Your diligence brings commensurate rewards. With good sense, you can meet all requirements and experience satisfactory gain. Your gatherings, meetings, parties, and trips are mostly related to work or business. As part of the practical focus of this year, attend to health matters.
Next Year’s Path.	Number: 5 This is a year of change for you, a year to get out of the rut. Your opportunities are found outside ordinary routine. New opportunities and new conditions are manifesting (some may appear unexpectedly) — new relationships, new ideas, new contacts, new enterprises, new plans — more freedom, more variety, more travel — broader fields of interest and activity. It is a year of new experiences — change, growth, fun, freedom. You feel an inner push to go do something, anything, so long as it’s a new experience. You notice more opportunities to travel. It is time to take advantage of the prevailing atmosphere of change and variety to learn something new. The year adds new life and color to your undertakings. The changes can be thrilling and inspiring. Now is the time to take advantage of the enhanced sense of freedom you feel and create new outlets for your genius. It is also a time to let older people and children inspire you. If you have a business, you may wish to advertise more than usual, possibly presenting your business with a new, even unique, angle.
Last Year’s Path.	Number: 3 This is the year to express your inspiration, your imagination, your creative thought, and your deep emotional feelings. You desire to do more entertaining this year and accept more invitations. Take time off to enjoy yourself. You can give color and warmth to all levels of living. Be artistic. Express yourself joyfully. Now is the time to follow those inspirational and imaginative ideas you are so excited about. Follow your desire for self-improvement; the year is rich with opportunities for inner growth. It is a colorful and eventful year, with pleasure, opportunities for travel, enjoyable social activities, and entertainment coming your way. Allow your abundance of cheer and optimism to guide you.

Dream about Judea

I had a dream that Judea was in the hospital. The doctor was explaining to me that he was going to have to shave a small section of Judea’s hair at the base of his skull in order to do surgery. I had no idea what he was talking about but I knew it involved his brain. Finally, I asked them (two doctor’s and a nurse) what they were planning on doing and what they thought was wrong. The doctor said, “you trust me, right? don’t worry about it, just trust me”. I kept telling him of course I didn’t trust him but he was totally blowing me off. So when they left, the nurse decided to tell me what she was going to do, but I had to follow her through the hospital, away from Judea’s doctors. She started walking extremely fast and I couldn’t keep up. We finally made it to the section of the hospital that had terminally ill children and I lost her. That whole section of the hospital was run down and filled with smoke, as if everyone around were smoking a cigarette. I was walking around asking people if they saw her when finally I saw Judea had been moved to a room in this wing. I started having a nervous breakdown, ripping my hair out, screaming, hitting the walls, etc…..then I woke up.

Spiders?!

I do not have a fear of spiders. I don’t exactly like them but I don’t have a phobia or anything. Snakes? I definitely have a snake phobia. Well anyways, I don’t know if I blogged about this but several months ago I had two separate occasions where I hallucinated that there was a spider crawling on me. I literally saw it with my own two eyes and in one instance I ripped my shirt off and threw it like a crazy person. It looked like a huge brown spider about the size of the palm of my hand and I really, honestly saw it…..but when there was like no evidence of it being there, I thought I was just losing it. Anyways last night I was feeling pretty nauseous and my husband was sitting on the couch, I had my head laid in his lap while he played with my hair, a common nightly ritual for us (i’m lucky, I know lol). I must have fallen asleep but do NOT remember falling asleep. I saw everything just as it was while I was laying there, my husband still playing with my hair and my eyes starting to feel heavy. I looked over at the couch and saw a huge brown spider about to crawl on my husband’s arm. I literally jumped up and ran across the living room screaming that there was a spider about to crawl on him. That’s when he told me I was asleep, snoring even. It just seems impossible because it really looked like it was there and I just don’t know what to think about this. I’m not talking about imagining things, I saw exactly what it looked like and how it moved, yet, it wasn’t really there. This makes the third time, I believe. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t really there, that’s not good enough for me. WHY am I hallucinating?! I’d bring i up to my Dr but she may want to admit me! LOL. It’s craziness….just craziness….

My Grandma

So my Grandma hasn’t been doing well lately. She’s overall depressed. I am sure she misses my Grandpa. I think her new living arrangements are finally setting in as well. She is seeing a new way of life and I think it just makes her uncomfortable. My Grandparents were not into technology. They didn’t even really know how to operate their voicemail. They had a tv, cd player, cell phone, and house phone, and that was the extent of their technology. The world has changed and I just don’t think she likes the change very much. At least when she was with my Grandpa she was in her own little world, in her comfort zone of familiarity. My Dad is an awesome caretaker. He really is. So this is no fault of my parents. She’s just 95 years old and tired. 

That brings me to the point of this blog. I was laying on the couch earlier and it dawned on me—in all of my life, I never saw my Grandma lay on her couch. Ever. Not even for a second. She took naps around noon and when she took her nap, she didn’t lay down in her clothes. She tok her clothes off, folded them neatly on her dresser, and slipped into a housecoat. She did. Yep. My Grandma has never been one to lounge. She was always up and busy. Only after her chores were done would she sit in her recliner and either write letters to her friends, crochet, read, or whatever…..she wouldn’t watch TV in the middle of the day. She just did things proper like. You would never catch her kicked back with her feet on the table or anything. She never even really reclined her recliner, only put her feet up—and *only* at the end of the day. She didn’t really put her feet up much during the day unless she genuinely had a problem with her legs or something. 

My grandma had serious etiquette. There was a proper way to do everything and she always made it clear that the right way is the *only* way. There are no shortcuts, no alternatives—you either do it right or don’t even bother. She was also pretty simple. There was nothing complicated about her or her life. She made her days seem effortless. She never complained. If she ached, you would never know. She always kept her composure like a lady. My Grandma was a woman in ever sense of the word. When she went places, she dressed nice. She would never just head out of the house “looking like hell”, as she would say. She matched her earrings and jewelry to her outfit, socks always matched her clothes even if you couldn’t see them, her shoes were always clean, she was just very neat and it showed. If her shoe was scuffed, she would take care of it. She didn’t have a “so-what” attitude. She had certain clothes and shoes for around the house and never went barefoot. If she was in the house, she wore house shoes. Outside, she wore her tennis shoes. I mean she literally would not walk out of the bathroom without something on her feet like ever……ok well, there were the occasions that she would answer the phone butt naked—but that was due to her concern of other people LOL. She wouldn’t just let the phone ring. She figured if someone was calling it was for a good reason and she would rush to answer it. 

We never ate garbage at meal time. She always had fresh vegetables and home cooked meals. She put time and effort into her meals. She set the table for every meal. She would not eat dinner in the living room. It was always at a set table in the dining room or at the table in the sunroom. When I say set, I mean set. Knives, forks, and spoons were set the same way at each place, onto of folded napkins. Salt and pepper shakers and any condiments were always laid out. She didn’t really serve meals out of pots, she served them out of actual dinnerware—every dinner. She would die before she let dinner sit on the table. After everyone finished they scraped their plate into the trash and put it into a sink of hot soapy water. She put the food into tupperware right away and washed all of her dishes. She dried them with a towel and put them away. 

When she cleaned, she really cleaned. Most of her cleaning was just maintenance work because her house was literally always spotless. She had certain days that she would wash all of the linen. She flipped her mattresses. She cleaned her curtains and soaked her shades. She hung all of her laundry out on a line, really no exceptions. She had a dryer but just honestly didn’t use it. She always soaked her whites in a bucket of bleach outside. My uncle and grandpa had the same socks for years and they still looked brand new. Their socks never really had stains on them and as soon as they did, they were turned into dust clothes. She kept the dust cloths/socks in a glass jar in the linen closet and they always smelled like pledge lol. I can’t count how many times I helped dust her kitchen table and chairs, in between all of the little crevices and what not….or dusted our bookshelf in the hallway where all of our toys were kept. She had a dust buster to remove cat hair from the furniture. She just never let anything sit. As soon as she noticed something, she took care of it. She never procrastinated.

Everything was organized. As a child, I knew where EVERYTHING was in her house. That’s why I can remember her house so vividly, there was a home for everything. Her furniture arrangement never changed. I loved her house. It was always so comfortable, so welcoming. It was a home. 

When she drove, she would never speed. She always did the speed limit. She never rushed anywhere. Everything was always planned. If something came up last minute, she was already prepared for it because her life had a constant order to it. You would never see her winded or stressed out. She took everything in stride. She paced herself. She was thorough and accurate.

I never heard her and my grandpa argue. They would disagree occasionally and sometimes my grandpa would lose his temper but “Now, that’s it dammit!” was the extent of his temper with her. For YEARS. In all of my childhood they did not fuss and fight. In fact, the one thing they hated the most was that my parents fought. It was just foreign to them. They weren’t loud people. They were quite and even tempered. They were never passive or aggressive. They asserted their wants, needs, and rules without becoming hostile or domineering. 

They were predictable. Everything about their life was planned. They knew where every bit of their money went because they sat at the dinner table two or three times a week and went over receipts and transactions and balanced their checkbook with a calculator, then documented everything. They were never caught off guard by an expense. They had plenty of money in the bank, plenty put away in CD’s, some invested in land, etc. They lived comfortable because they never lived beyond their means. They had the money to buy expensive things, but never took it overboard. They planned for everything. If they wanted a TV, they planned for it. They never went out on a whim and splurged on things, even though they had the means to if they wanted. This goes back to them never being rushed. It can wait. They didn’t want want want, now now now. Because of this financial responsibility, they were able to retire and live VERY comfortably. My grandpa retired from the military, retired from Planter’s Peanuts, and I think he may have also retired from a company called Marjay’s but I can’t remember if it was retirement or not. But still. He didn’t have any lucrative income. But they didn’t try to keep up with the Jones’. They weren’t constantly upgrading their things. They could have, but just didn’t. All they wanted was a comfortable, uncomplicated life, and that’s exactly what they had.

They were the most successful people I have ever seen in my life because they had a grip on life. They controlled their lives. They weren’t controlled by others or by circumstances, they took charge in everything. My Grandma’s first husband was ill for a long time and she managed to take care of him and their four boys and still work the night shift at the hospital translating prescriptions. One of her sons even had epilepsy. Eventually her husband passed and she married my Grandpa and they had my mom. My mom got extremely ill with meningitis and lost a good portion of her hearing, of course, my grandma handled it. Her son with epilepsy drowned at the beach on the Fourth of July due to a seizure. She lived through it and kept pushing. She had like a billion friends. At Christmas time her home was flooded with cards from allover the place, people just thought very highly of her. She was a caring, helpful woman. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more to my Grandma but these things, I believe, have played a key role in her living such a long, healthy life. My biggest goal in life is to become even half the woman my Grandma is. She is truly a role model for me. She would have never sulked around because of morning sickness and let her house go to shit because she doesn’t “feel like it”. She would kick my ass if she knew I were doing it. Again, she never complained. She rolled with the punches and took it like a woman. I need to learn from her.

Dream-bombs.

I would blame the dream on pregnancy but we all know I have crazy dreams anyways….. Had a dream last night that me, my husband, my sister, my best friend, and my kids ended up at an old friend’s house with her and her kids. We were catching up and all of a sudden we heard explosions. We ran outside and there was a fleet of planes dropping bombs allover the place. There had to be at least a hundred and they kept coming. The sky was orange from all of the explosions. There were army guys riding around the neighborhood on a loud speaker saying, “Your area is under enemy attack. Seek shelter now. If you are unable to seek shelter, lay on the ground with an object over your head” and they kept repeating it. It was crazy. So anyways there is this spot I always see in my dreams. It’s in a wooded area and it’s by a river or some body of water somewhere. No one really even knows it’s there. In a lot of my dreams, I have hidden there before. I always think to myself when I am near that place that if something big were to happen, that’s where we would go to hide (in my dreams, of course). Well, it just so happened that my friend lived very close to this hiding spot. So when the bombs started dropping we took it as a sign that we needed to get to that place. The rest of the dream was of us trying to get there. I woke up before we made it……..weird lol.