I’m so tired…..

Because everyday is Beatlemania around here.

I change a lot and i’m open to change. I can do it. I no longer dig my heels in. I let go. There are, however, some very distinct constants in my life.

God.

Family.

Writing.

And The Beatles.

Bam.

There is no such thing as going overboard when it comes to The Beatles. When i’m stressed out: Beatles, son. lol.

Geeeeeeeeeeeeez dude….. does Paul not have the most charming and genuine smile ever????

6 minutes

6 minutes.

6 minutes Doug E. Fresh, you’re on.

If you know that song I bet you just rapped it in your head.

I have no idea how that relates to this post. It doesn’t lol. But whatevs.

I recorded a video last night lol. I don’t know how well I conveyed what I wanted to convey, there.

One of my most popular posts on this site is my post about overcoming social anxiety. I naively thought, at the time, that I actually did “overcome” my social anxiety. It ebbs and flows. I guess. So I didn’t exactly “overcome” it but I have learned how to better handle it. But I have to be very intentional and put effort in new situations. If I let my thoughts get the best of me, it’s panic city.

I still feel very, very anxious at times but I guess I sort of push past my comfort zone to try and really be there in the moment, rather than doing whatever it takes to make it through the moment and get to my safe zone lol. For instance. I have an issue going to the store by myself. Like, I do it ALL the time and for the most part i’m okay. But guys make it really uncomfortable. I don’t know if they know how their obnoxious staring and stalking can make people feel like they’re going to pass out…. but…. yeah. I was at Walmart a couple of days ago trying to buy stockings. I try my best not to really make eye contact with men. Straight up. For some reason, you can’t be friendly with men like you can with women. If you smile, you DEFINITELY want to bang lol. Definitely. If you say hello, that is an open invitation for them to come over and have a full blown conversation with you. If you just look at some of them, they will awkwardly stare at you, look back at you to double check if you were looking at them or someone else. It’s nuts. I guess they are hardwired to do this but it’s uncomfortable as shit. So I was trying to get to the stockings and passed through the mens section. A guy was there and glanced up at me so I smiled. Because I just think it’s rude not to. If you can’t avoid eye contact altogether and it just happens lol, I think it’s rude to just give a cold stare to people. To ANYONE. Man or woman. I think the polite thing to do is to smile and acknowledge that you see them. POLITE. Friendly. Not “hey babes, lemme holla atcha” lol. Here he comes. Like a stray dog. Some guys have NO shame. They don’t know how weird they look. He came over and legit started browsing the women’s sock section….. lingering around looking at stuff that had nothing to do with him. I look up, he’s creeping around the corner, making rounds, trying his best not to be seen but I am way too aware of his presence lol. It’s uncomfortable. Because whatever situation i’m in, when someone is staring at me, that section of the scenery becomes totally off limits. I want to be free to maneuver around and look wherever the fuck I want to look lol. But if you are aware that someone in that section is shooting a death ray at your forehead, you tend to not look over there.

I want to make myself VERY clear. Some people are oblivious to their surroundings. I am not one of those people. I am entirely too aware of when i’m being watched. It makes my heart race, palms sweat, my head starts doing weird things and it feels like all of my muscles lock up and I can’t move freely lol.

I try my absolute best to ignore how anxious situations make me feel but there are times when it just gets to be too much and I hear “abort! abort! abort!” and I have to get myself out of there.

I’m saying all of this to say, no. Just. No. I appear to be one of those people that can move freely. I smile at literally everyone because I want to be friendly, approachable and polite. But this isn’t something that is ingrained within me. I have to actually put effort into it. I sometimes have to work super hard at it. Sometimes I totally fail and just have to get out of there and breathe.  If you are a new person and I have not really spoken to you, I want you to know how incredibly hard it is for me to talk to you. It’s not easy, it’s not natural. I’m taking time out of my day, however brief it may be, and facing immense anxiety to be in that moment with you. I’m putting MY fears aside to try to make YOU feel good. I could very, very easily be a loner that totally avoids people at all cost. But I have decided that whatever fear I have in life needs to be conquered. I have to face my fears, not run from them.

I think it’s an act of selflessness. Your awkwardness and shyness doesn’t excuse you from being polite and friendly. I think it’s totally selfish to let your pride and fear of rejection and fear of humiliation prevent you from taking a moment of your time to focus on another human being and make THEM feel good. I’m saying. It is SO RARE that people are in the moment. I feel like people look at me but they don’t “see” me. Like they aren’t all in. When someone has stopped all other functions and put intentional focus on you, it’s so refreshing. In the busyness of life, I feel we lose our ability to actually stop and be aware. Everything is so easy and effortless, very fast paced. Social media only compounds the issue. It puts us in a certain frame of mind that is not conditioned to put conscious effort into things. Meeting and greeting becomes routine and intuitive. Names are forgotten because you didn’t care about their name in the first place (i’m super bad with names and try to repeat them over and over and over upon meeting someone new). Faces don’t really stand out, everyone is all lumped together and people get lost in the mix. We ALL do it. And then some of us begin to feel, “Do I REALLY matter to this person? Like, they say these things…. but is this routine? Run of the mill? Do they really, actually care about me as an individual”….. That takes intention. It takes effort to make someone feel like you actually care that they exist. But it’s necessary. I fear for future generations. Communities are already completely different from what they used to be. Families aren’t even connecting with one another, let alone making an effort to connect with other people. I see a future of total selfishness and self-centeredness. I just feel like MY fear and MY anxiety has NOTHING to do with YOU. It’s MY struggle, not yours. It’s not fair to isolate you to make things easier for me. Yet, some people really look at their fears as a valid reason to not reach out to others. They victimize themselves and vilify others. THEY feel like the victim that needs to be protected because their fear is very real……. and that other people should just deal with it. No. That’s not okay. That’s like saying you were born an asshole and people just have to deal with your asshole tendencies. Nope. Don’t assume that everyone you see that smiles and greets and maneuvers around social situations is just a pro at socializing. You have NO CLUE how hard it might be for these people. It’s HARD for me and I feel like it’s unfair that I face my fears to make another person feel welcome but others justify their self-centeredness by saying “i’m just shy”. You gotta put yourself out there and sometimes it doesn’t feel natural, sometimes it honestly sucks but I genuinely feel like it’s the right thing to do.

So boom. Here’s the vid, I had to edit it to brighten it up since I was outside so the quality is shit. My bad:

Salvage Store Dream

I don’t even know anymore lol.

I was with my sister and we were in some sort of salvage store. Junk literally piled up to the ceiling. There were a lot of people there, it seemed we were there for some sort of event or something? I don’t recall actually wanting to buy anything, yet I was definitely looking around and scoping out the situation haha. Everyone around seemed sort of hostile like they were all fighting over bargains or something. I don’t even know what i’m talking about right now. I remember at one point, Shannon was talking about going to a Broncos game? She was talking about where she could find tickets the cheapest and mentioned that she could spend airfare to fly out to L.A to a connect she had and buy tickets there cheaper than she could from buying them in Atlanta?I understand this makes absolutely NO sense. I have no idea. So we were sort of trying to keep that hush, I guess. I know my best friend Ashley made a cameo of some sort before we ended up there. Also, i’m trying so hard to remember a situation I was in before all of this came about but all I can remember is the feeling. Usually, that’s how I am able to remember my dreams in such detail. I remember exactly how the dream made me feel. I do that irl, too. It’s a long time memory technique of mine. I associate with things by how they make me feel. So if I can remember a specific feeling, it’s like the memories are compartmentalized by how they made me feel. I’m not talking about “I felt sad”. That’s vague. I mean, indescribable words of EXACTLY how I felt in a situation. I remember that and then the gaps begin to fill in with other information because that specific feeling is attached to whatever event or thing i’m trying to recall. It’s too early for this, sorry lol. So I do remember how I felt. A little scared, kinda nervous, kind of intense and confused, something about a leather jacket but that’s all I got lol. Oh, I do know that I was giving Vayda a haircut. I already cut Kevin’s hair a couple of days ago, cut Judea’s last night and gotta cut Ezra’s today. Lucky enough, I don’t have to cut the girls hair, really, I’ve cut Vayda’s twice in her life, now it’s at a point where she just needs trims like every 4-5 months.

Anyways.

I’ve been having a dry spell on the dream front lately. I go through these periods where I start having dreams that literally make no sense, don’t follow a story line, like no plot, nothing. Just a bunch of confusion that makes no sense. And so I don’t recall these dreams as well because I guess I don’t put any sort of significance in them.

I recorded a video last night. I may upload it after I get the kids to school. Idk. lol.

Would you like to update your computer?

No. I wouldn’t like to update my computer. I’ve been telling you that everyday for MONTHS. When are you going to take a hint.

So, yeah, my last post kinda depressed me. You could see towards the end that I tried to make light of the situation lol and I failed. So here I am to really roast the living shit out of things that annoy me. I like talking about things that annoy me. It kinda cheers me up. Kinda.

So, obviously, I am annoyed by computer updates. Or any other sort of update. It’s like, you’re the computer. You know what’s best, right? If it’s the best fucking version available, why don’t you just update it yourself? Just like, silently, in the background, just update my shit. I have to make too many decisions in life. Why are you complicating this. Just do what you gotta do. Update. Quietly. Stealth-mode. It’s almost 2015. Can we make this happen.

While we’re on electronics, i’ve totally lost faith in FaceTime. I get waaaaaaaay too excited when it actually works on the first try. I’m serious. It’s like a mind game. Will it work? Will it not work….. will it say “connecting” for five minutes, selling you a dream that you will, at any moment, see an actual face on the other end? Think about the name: FaceTime. Time. A LONG. FUCKING. TIME.

Sketchy traffic maneuvers will always rank high on my list of things that annoy me. I go places. I drive to places and I get there. I make it, ya know? There has never been a situation where I was making a trip to walmart, only to get to walmart and see that walmart wasn’t there anymore. It’s always there. Every time I drive to walmart, it’s there. They didn’t replace it with a hardware store. That would be devastating. People. Your destination is not going to sink into inner earth. I promise, it won’t. It will be there. Stop bobbing and weaving through traffic like fast and furious. This isn’t the movies. People actually REALLY die. Like, for real. Real life. Nothing pisses me off more than a little petite blonde 20 something in a 2000 honda accord, big dumbs glasses on like she’s paris fucking hilton, weaving through traffic with no regard for human life. Driving to her job at the cosmetics counter at Sears. For real. Girl. No one PLANS on having a car accident, what do you not get about that? No one gets in their car and says, “I am going to create a 5 car pileup on 295 today.”. Are you that dense? That’s why it’s an ACCIDENT you moron…. Geeeeeeeeeeezzzzz. There is the rare instance of faulty vehicles and medical emergencies but come on now….. most accidents are a result of incompetency. So I just watch these cats pulling all of these stupid stunts and I think to myself, this is the asshole that’s probably going to cause me to wreck my car someday. This is the asshole that’s going to back traffic up for the next 6 hours. Oh, yes. I have been the unfortunate bystander in an accident that held us up for over SIX HOURS. In fact, just the other day, I was going to pick my kids up from school and got stuck on the flyover from i10 to 295. Sat there for an hour. Kids at school just waiting. Sister had to leave work to pick them up for me. Just bs.

morpheus-on-traffic

This has actually become a major annoyance for me and I know it’s going to sound ridiculous. I have NEVER been an ice-eater. In fact, I like only enough ice to get my drink cold. I usually look at ice as an obstacle course. It complicates the situation. I’m trying to chug a drink and i’ve got all of this ice about to knock my teeth out. Not cool. But honestly, like a light switch came on or something. REALLY weird. One day I was anti-ice….. the very next day…..omg…. ice. YES. Ice. If I look at the freezer longer than a brief glance, I will dig into the ice lol. We’ve been going through bag after bag after bag. It’s cray. I just like crunching it lol. Where have you been all my life. Anyways. There are these magical little pieces of ice. Prime. I’m a TOTAL weirdo. You look at it and you KNOW that would be a fun piece of ice to chew hahahahahaha. Omg. Am I really doing this lol. Anyways. It’s the perfect size. It’s white so you know it’s just going to crumble and turn into slush. You know there will be NO resistance. It was made for you. Like a little treat for all of your hard work. So you dig your nasty hand right on into your soda and it’s there, right at the tip of your fingers….. but you lose it…. and all of the bigger chunks of ice that you want NOTHING to do with BURY it…. and so you go fishing for it but the more you try to grab it, the more it get’s away. Your fingers are freezing and you look like a lunatic, swirling your hand around, chasing a piece of ice. By the time you get to it, it’s already melted into subprime ice lol. Isn’t that weird, though? I can hold down a legit conversation with an elderly woman about all of the joys of motherhood….. and she has no idea that I sit on my couch watching documentaries about reptilian shape shifters while fishing for the perfect piece of ice. People. We’re ALL crazy lol.

Okay so I guess this doesn’t have to totally be about things that annoy me.

Due to the fact that I overthink everything….. I sometimes overthink eating. I’ll be eating and i’ll suddenly think, “Omg. This is what humans do. I am a human on planet earth and I put this shit in my mouth and I enjoy it. I chew it and swallow it and it sits there and does all sorts of weird shit inside of my human organs until it comes out looking nothing like it did when it went in….. unless, of course, it’s corn.” I’m ROLLING hahahaha. Omg. Why do I throw myself out there like this lol. Is this an example of disassociation? Idk but it’s fucking weird. It’s weird to watch people eat cereal. People just have that “cereal” look…. like, a mouth full of cereal and they’re REALLY trying to keep their mouth closed so their face elongates and they crunch and you know the milk is on the verge of spilling out the corners. Ew. It does get on the corners of their mouths…. and they talk about stuff. Like, they eat cereal and they talk about the neighbors and shit…. I’m sorry, I can’t take anyone serious when they’re eating. Really pay attention to what people look like when they bite into something. Their eyes get big and they do weird facial expressions and…… they’re humans on planet earth. This is what humans do. We have bodies and our bodies need food like fucking aliens. We’re like aliens. And we sit on the toilet. Bodies are gross. You know you look forward to that long stretch of highway when you can just really dig for gold. You’re disgusting lol. You’re like an alien. People just gross me out lmao.

Mashed potatoes. Really think about that. I love mashed potatoes. Do I look like the kind of person that likes mashed potatoes? Doesn’t that make you sick? “She eats mashed potatoes. With BUTTER.”

f3b08db35696ec4e3a3ea453a1a067728707bcf7e256ed56a1b9561933ca14db

I want to do weird stuff. Like, I want a special hat for when people knock on the door. Like a really tall, cone-shaped princess hat. And I want to keep it by the door so that when someone new knocks on my door, I can put the hat on. But I would have to keep a straight face. Otherwise, what’s the point? And I couldn’t explain anything. Like, I couldn’t give them any sort of a back story. I’d have to just do business as usual. Sign for a package like whatevs. Maybe the princess hat could be dismissed as something I was doing with my kids. So that wouldn’t work. I need a dress like those polygamist ladies wear but i’d have to wear it with some fresh j’s. That would confuse the living shit out of the UPS man. And a baseball hat. Perfect. It really might throw his entire life off track if I don’t explain myself. Like, he may revisit that moment on occasions throughout his life, trying to figure out what my deal was. I like that.

I also want to maintain eye contact with someone to the point it becomes *almost* disturbing. That’s a fun one. It would have to look kinda creepy but not over-the-top. I’d have to make it passable as maybe normal but borderline not “okay”. Like, they couldn’t be able to put their finger on it, it would have to confuse them. “Was she staring or wasn’t she??????”. And again they would have to revisit that moment to figure out what just happened lol.

I want to intentionally give someone a really shitty gift. I’m looking at this dancing snowman christmas scene thing. Don’t know WHERE it came from, looks like something from walgreens lol. Maybe the neighbors gave it to my mom, idk. But it’s made of fabric and the fabric is starting to get lent balls. It’s not “dirty” per se but it’s DEFINITELY seen better days. I think it would be awesome to wrap that bad boy up in REALLY nice packaging and give it away at a christmas party. The expression on the receiver’s face would be well-worth being perceived as a total douche lol. What would you do if someone were to give you something they clearly found lying around their house as a gift? Think of how many emotions you might experience lol.

I want to tell new people that I have a weird hobby and act really passionate about it. Like I love taking photos of fish tanks. I have a fish tank that i’m looking at so that’s what sparked this. But think about that “getting-to-know-you” stage. Isn’t it fucking AWKWARD? Not just romantically, but meeting anyone new, in general. Co-workers. New friends. Classmates. Etc. Now what if you came across someone who said they enjoy taking photos of fish tanks for fun? And they proceed to whip out the iPhone and show you HUNDREDS of pictures of fishtanks in peoples’ houses. Hundreds. And they get REALLY excited about it lol. How would you handle a situation like that?

I got baptized in a Wutang shirt. It belonged to my friend that passed away so it was legit and everything. But marinate on that. When you see pictures of me with my four children…… and think about me picking them up from school, grocery shopping, cuddling with my husband, watching movies. I got baptized in a Wutang shirt.

You know what would really freak my husband out? If he came home from work and I crawled out of the fireplace, covered in soot…. and gave absolutely no explanation for it. “What the hell are you doing in the fire place?”……. “I’m stressed out, okay?!”

Kevin just took his shoes off and it smelled like my dad’s old hatchback so I quietly got up and walked out with my laptop in hand lol.

Okay, time to get serious. I’m going to need to get serious here. I’ve been looking for the opportunity to voice this concern and I’ve not found one yet so i’m just going to do it here. Eyebrows. Now, I am not a fan of the meticulous brow. When it looks too perfect it looks like you’ve got stickers on your face. Or fake tattoos. Something. And i’m not saying my eyebrow game is on point or anything, but I have them. I have eyebrows. You can actually see them. Women take this little feature for granted. They have no clue how badly bad eyebrows fuck their face up. YOU might know they’re there because you’re used to them. You penciled the five hairs in this morning. But the rest of us can’t really see them. And it looks weird. PRETTY ladies are the WORST. Because it’s like geez you are screwing it all up! And you want so badly to casually bring it up in conversation just so they KNOW. But you can’t because that’s rude. I see women posting some amazing selfies on FB and i’m like plllleeeaaaassseeeeeeeee grow your eyebrows back! I’m not sure what functional purpose they serve, maybe to prevent dust from falling in one’s eyes….. idk…. but from a visual standpoint…. they frame your face. And when you don’t really have any, it just looks super weird. This may have never even crossed your mind. You may have never really thought about it. But i’m telling you. It’s noticeable. My eyebrows looked JACKED up for a long time until finally my sister said something to me about it. Like a sister should. Friends don’t let friends rock bad, or no, eyebrows. I understand that pencil thin eyebrows used to be a thing but we must rebuild lol. Stop doing this to yourself. Bring back the brows. Think of them as being your eyes’ bff’s. They miss you. Come home.

Totally not endorsing drug use but I love the way this sounds:

 

And I was literally held at gunpoint and forced to update my flash player in order to proceed with posting this YT video. Totally killed my mood. I’m out.

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard…..

LOL I was in connection group (sunday school) this morning and our pastor was listening to coldplay haha. Not that I think it’s weird for a pastor to listen to coldplay or anything, I just didn’t expect to hear it in class haha. Pretty cool.

This has nothing to do with coldplay (though I am sure most who know who coldplay is would get the reference of the title lol).

Lame.

But seriously.

I try so hard to stay positive and to not really worry myself over things I can’t change…… but sometimes it feels like i’m the smallest kid on the merry-go-round. I used to be that. I was BONES as a kid. BONES. And I would be on the merry-go-round and all of these kids like twice my weight would hop on and then you’d have like a 13 year old that shouldn’t have even been ON the playground in the first place, come over and spin that thing so fast it would make you feel like your head would fall off. And all you could do is hold on the best you can. Wrap your legs around the bars, hug it, do what you gotta do…. and the force was just crazy, the momentum was insane. I was TINY. I’m saying I think I weighed like 40 something lbs in the 4th grade. TINY. But I would hold on with every bit of strength I had.

That’s kinda how it feels sometimes. I try so hard to hold onto what I know and what I can control but then life throws all of these obstacles at you and you just hold on the best you can but in that moment, you are totally aware of how easy it would be to let go and fly off. Sometimes, you just WANT to let go. Your arms are hurting, your legs are hurting, your neck feels like it’s going to snap…. wouldn’t it be better to just let go? To release yourself and just fly off?

No, i’m not talking about offing myself lol. But why does this feel so hard sometimes? Why.

The most frustrating part of it all is that I am VERY contemplative. I mean, I REALLY know the difference between things so it’s not like I don’t know any better.

For instance….

I know that struggles are really what makes us, what develops us. And I am grateful for the challenges I face. Every obstacle I have encountered in life has made me stronger. I’m not just talking bullshit, either. I’m serious. I can look back on my life and list off challenge after challenge after challenge….. and not a single ONE of them produced a weaker version of myself. I have ALWAYS came out on top. I’ve ALWAYS come out a little wiser, a little stronger, with a little more endurance. And so i’ve grown to see challenges not as something dreadful…..

I’m never going to rid my life of challenges. Ever. So that’s not even a thought I would foolishly entertain. I’m not one of those people which naively think “If only this could be fixed, everything would be better”. That’s a fool’s words. Foolish. So typically, my train of thought typically involves “how am I going to endure this and what am I going to learn from it?”. I know that some of the shittiest things i’ve been through have produced some of the most amazing, miraculous outcomes.

I KNOW THIS!

I also know that reality….. or, more specifically, circumstances, don’t “make us feel this or that”. That’s an illusion. Our perception is what makes us feel this or that. I may have used this example before but you got two dudes waiting in line for one of the scariest rides ever….. better yet, they’re waiting in line for this:

Oh, and they’re not dudes, let’s just say they’re women.

Okay, this:

las_vegas_stratosphere_ride

One woman is clearly shook. lol. Like, she’s on the verge of pissing her pants lol. Then the other woman is like YOLO! LOL.

So is the ride itself scary or is it exciting? Well, that depends on your perception of it. YOU create your perception.

Btw, I was the one screaming YOLO lol. I rode that when I went on my last trip to Vegas. I was by myself. No, really. I went to Vegas alone and I actually went around riding thrill rides solo dolo lol.

So if I understand the difference in that, then I clearly understand the idea that a circumstance isn’t bad nor is it good, it’s all in how you perceive it.

I KNOW THESE THINGS.

I also know that trying to seek satisfaction in “things” or “people” or “situations” is foolish. Because I know, no matter what, it’s always short lived. No different from a drug, really. You get high and then you come down…. and coming down, back to reality, blows ass. Not to mention the havoc that is wreaked on your life as a result. You buy a TV. Awesome. Something better comes out the next month and the TV you just paid full price for goes on sale lol. Isn’t that how this usually works? In my case, I buy all of these cute clothes and then I stand there, looking into a loaded closet like, “Omg, I have NOTHING to wear!!”…. I may have 15 pairs of boots but none of them match this dress the way I want lol. Ya know? Or, I saw Paul McCartney. A life long dream of mine, to be able to see one of the Beatles, ESPECIALLY him. Done. Now what? Now that i’ve checked that one off the bucket list, now what? What next? Been to Vegas. Now what? Next is Europe but then what? Like….. I can’t get no…… satisfaction. Foolish. Foolish. Foolish. It’s foolish.

I KNOW THIS.

Nothing lasts forever. Including life stages. I’m not going to be a 30 year old mother of four young children forever. I’ll be a 40 something with teenagers. A 50 something with young adults. A 60 something, hopefully with grandkids. Different stages. So these moments of INTENSE stress will NOT last forever.

I KNOW THIS.

I know that happiness is a choice. By default, we’re fucking miserable people. I’ve learned that. We have to choose to be happy.

I KNOW THESE THINGS.

I know better. I always do. I’m not dumb. I’m not naive. I’m not foolish. I know the difference. I understand….. like REALLY comprehend everything I get myself into, everything I go through, every challenge I face, everything I encounter. Like, I understand these things.

SO WHY IN THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD?!

Seriously. Why do you know what to do, yet do the opposite. Why? That’s the most frustrating thing of all. It’s better to be ignorant and have no clue what’s going on than to dive into a bad situation knowing full well what you’re getting yourself into.

I’ve been SO stressed at home. Sooooooo stressed. I honestly feel defeated. Shit’s gotten way out of control here. I’m not going to get all into the specifics but I will say that being a mother to four young children is SUPER fucking hard sometimes. Like…. months ago, I was on top of the world. I could load them up and dare them to act a fool. Piece of cake. But now, they are all hitting new stages in life and it’s becoming a huge challenge for me. Nova is right in the midst of the terrible two’s. I’m saying. She is a fucking HURRICANE. She leaves a path of destruction everywhere she goes. I’m not kidding. I turned my back for one minute…. look up and she RIPPED THE FUCKING MOLDING OFF THE DOOR! And proceeded to chase Ezra with it. Try to really let that soak in. A two year old with a strip of wood molding about 4 times her height, running around trying to sack her brother with it. That’s a pretty good visual of what’s going on with our sweet Nova these days. Ezra is growing into his “leave my shit alone” phase. I can already see what sort of temperament he is going to have. He’s very much into superheroes and comics and cars and building things and all of that fun stuff. And he’s particular about his things and doesn’t want ANYONE touching his stuff. He wants to post up somewhere and be left alone. If anyone disrupts his peace, he’s going nuclear. He’s also a mama’s boy. Like HARDCORE. Which I love. But he clings to me for EVERYTHING. ALWAYS. He will honestly say, “I don’t want daddy to fix it, I want YOU to fix my water”. Vayda is mature and so she fights for independence. I try to give her as much as I feel she can handle but she is still six. She doesn’t call the shots around here….. but she’ll damn sure try! So I have to deal with a mouthy 6 year old girl that thinks she’s 40 or something. Then, Judea. I can’t even put that into words at the moment. But. It’s bad. It’s bad at church. It’s bad at school. Bad at home. Bad at grandma’s. It’s a serious situation we’ve got on our hands with him. And through ALL of this, they feed off of one another. They all have VERY distinct personalities and ALL of them clash. I’m not kidding. You’d think with more kids the odds would be higher for having a couple that actually click. Nope! They all bounce off of one another’s attitudes and problems.

I’m not saying it’s the end of the world or that it can’t be conquered or anything. I’m just saying I feel like a fucking gladiator half the time. I feel like I am somewhat peacefully sleeping and then someone secretly wisps me away in the middle of the night and I suddenly wake up in full on warfare…… with like no tactical gear, no time for strategizing, nothing. It’s been brutal. I can’t even tell you how brutal it’s been. And Kevin works like 14 hours a day. So this is all me. He even goes in on his days off sometimes. ALL ME. No parents around to help or anything like that. Like. I’m literally doing this by myself. Day in. Day out. All day. Every day.

IT. IS. HARD.

But knowing all that I know should make it easier, right?

Wrong. That only adds to my frustration lol. Makes it harder, really.

I mean, I acknowledge that stress can either make you or break you. I understand completely that bad situations can either develop character or break it. I know that challenges can either build you up or break you down. If I KNOW these things, why doesn’t it make it any easier to handle at times?

And I do the whole “it could be worse” thing. I do that. I count my blessings all the time.

I also try to project into the future and decide where the potential for regret may be. Like, if I do or don’t do this, will I regret it later? I weigh shit out. ALWAYS.

I also look into the past and try to see patterns and……

I could go on for days. I’m a THINKER. I ANALYZE the living SHIT out of things.

Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t make it easier.

This is a rough spot for me and i’m going to make it through but damn if I don’t wish it would hurry the fuck up. Like, this is the shitty part of the movie, can we just fast forward it a little bit and get to the good part already?

And I look back over this past year and see the many good times and the many ways in which I was blessed. So WHY am I focusing on everything that went wrong?

Sometimes I really do think that “knowing” makes things more difficult….. because then there’s accountability and then decisions and sometimes I just don’t want to lol. Sometimes I just don’t even want to think about anything. I just want to clear my damn head and wipe the slate clean. Like, wave the white flag, declare defeat and let the cleanup crew come in and handle the aftermath……

I’m not a debbie downer. Promise. I’ll hide the living shit out of this mess and smile when i’m in front of others. I’m not going to walk around looking depressed because that’s just fucking obnoxious. But My GOD. Is help on the way lol. Is help. on. the way.

I need to turn this shit around and watch something really stupid. Maybe i’ll jump on YouTube and see if I can find some really fucking weird videos….. like of people doing shit i’ve never heard of. Believe it or not, I discovered a balloon fetish. No shit. I don’t know how it happened, I think it was an HBO documentary or something. But these fools got aroused by balloons. Talk about fucking weird. I need to watch something so that I know my life isn’t totally falling apart lol. I’ve not reached the strange fetish stage, praise the Lord lol. I’m at least still somewhat normal. I like the smell of pine sol a little too much but I think that’s okay, that’s not a total path to destruction.

Tomorrow, i’m laying the law down. This shit stops. I refuse to let my kids hog tie me and order pizzas and watch weird youtube videos. I’m not gonna let it get that far. Toys are getting boxed up. Kids are being posted up in the living room with crayons and THAT’S IT. That’s it. Until Christmas, shit’s gonna get pretty real around here.

If you’re having a tough time with your kids, i’m here to tell you……. i’ve probably got it worse. So take some comfort in that. Whatever struggle you’re going through, we’ve got four kids over here trying to stage a coup. They are conspiring. They are planning on the great takeover of 2015. It’s not fucking happening. Shit’s gonna get real.

I may sometimes make it look easy….. but i’m telling you….. i’m a fucking SOLDIER. The struggle is SO real in the Lind house. This is what tomorrow is going to look like:

Two Weeks

Would you always?

Maybe sometimes?

Make it easy?

Take your time…..

I helped someone with her report the other night and she legit got mad that I A) wrote it too well and B) made it too long lol. She sort of hit me at a bad time where I literally could write for days.

nails

I actually dug through my hundred (I bought about 10-15 more since the last tally lol) and DID MY NAILS. I have an OCD thing about buying nail polish. I never paint my nails. Not only do I NOT paint them, I don’t file them or clip them and sometimes i’ll test nail polish colors out on a nail or two and literally leave it like that for weeks lol. My dry skin around my nails is evidence that I don’t give a shit.

I don’t even feel like blogging about how i’m going through it….. but I am going through it…. and i’ve come to the conclusion, based on years and years of empirical evidence, that you’re sometimes just going to have to walk alone. Doesn’t matter how many people you have in your circle, doesn’t matter. You’re just going to have to travel the road alone…. you could cry and complain about it (reasonably, so, people should be there for you through the bad times) but it’s not going to get you anywhere. And ya know, i’ve come to another conclusion: i’m just one of those loners. That’s all there is to it. I’ve always been a loner. I’ve always felt alone. Doesn’t matter if i’m sitting in a room full of people, i’m still alone. I always feel like it’s me…… and then there’s “them”. Like, all of the rest of you are “them”. Me/them. Always.

I have a hard time understanding this because I don’t see anything that I do to isolate myself. I honestly don’t. I’m a good listener, I love giving advice and I genuinely love people. I’m certainly not selfish. Not even close. Like, if I begin to believe that I am in something for whatever I can benefit from it, I start feeling HORRIBLE. So I don’t do things from the view of “what’s in it for me?”…. I also don’t do things to be noticed. I don’t try to get people to sing praises to me. If someone were to do that, I’d somehow find a way to downplay the situation. I don’t distort the truth or try to shape it in a way that suits me. I call it like I see it, even at my own expense.

So I just don’t get it? I don’t get it…..

I don’t try to extract pity from people, either. And i’m not vague. If I need help, i’m not going to beat around the bush about it, i’m going to be straight up. If I am going through things, i’m letting those closest to me know that i’m going through it. I’m not going to make them fight to pull it out of me, i’m not out to confuse people, I don’t want people to have to try to play psychic for me. It’s not a game. If I am struggling, if i’m REALLY going through it, someone is going to know about it.

So I don’t understand where the difficulty comes from. It’s like over and over again I am led to believe that I am one of those people that just HAS to be cut off. Like, I HAVE to be isolated. It sometimes feels awful because I see others who have no problem finding a shoulder to cry on…… usually mine…. and they have no problem finding comfort. But me? It’s like where’s fucking waldo half the time. I’m searching for help, i’m searching for someone to help carry my burden and i’m coming up empty handed. ALL the time. It’s like i’m invisible, without the perks of actually being invisible.

I know how this can all be construed as just complaining…… but I do roll with the punches I mean, what the fuck else am I going to do? People lead me to believe i’m overdramatic or i’m not strong enough….. and I don’t get that, either. And i’m the first to say that when enough people come to an agreement about you, it’s time to self-reflect. And I have….. over and over again and I still don’t see it.

Another thing. Because of my dominant personality and strong opinions and views, i’ve sort of been the “leader” in nearly every situation I encounter. Friends, school, family life, just all of it. I’m happy that people want to get my opinion and that they value my advice. I don’t mind that at all…. but sometimes, I just don’t want to. I just don’t want to lead. I don’t want to decide. I don’t want to figure things out for people. Because of the level of stress i’ve been faced with on the home front, lately, my house has taken a nose dive. Things got to an all time level of what the fuck. So Friday night, it was originally set up that the kids would stay with the grandmas (RARE) and that Kevin and I would go hang with my brother and his friends and my sister to play cards. Long story short, I took that as an opportunity to get caught up on house work, without the kids. I’m depressed, okay? I’m going through a major depression right now and no one gets it. So I also liked the idea of having the house entirely to myself to listen to what the fuck I want to listen to and just clean. I hate cleaning but when i’m stressed the fuck out, it’s therapy. So I wanted to do that. MAJOR crisis situation for my husband and sister. They couldn’t fathom going without me. For one, they insisted that NOTHING would be fun without me being there. That just my presence alone will make the night enjoyable, never mind the handful of other people that would be there. And i’m like I JUST. DON’T WANT TO. I don’t want to. I don’t want to go. I want to stay home by myself. That’s what I want. And then came the guilt of them knowing why I was staying home and that I was deeply depressed…..and well, my sister felt guilty in that she thought it would be the right thing to do and stay behind to help me out….. but then when she wanted to back out, my HUSBAND started feeling guilty and wanted to back out, too. And i’m on the phone back and forth with both of them trying to explain, I JUST want to stay home, i’m not laying a guilt trip on anyone, i’m not trying to sabotage the night, i’m not fishing for pity or anything of the sort and i’m not even asking for help. Can I just decide that I want to stay home and just do that? You guys go have fun, i’m fine, please just let me stay home without having to give an entire backstory of the depression that led me to this decision lol. Please. But then Shannon chimes in, “You’re the leader of this operation”…..

I’m the leader of EVERY operation and sometimes I just don’t fucking want to be. I want someone else to make the plans. I want someone else to initiate things. I want someone else to take charge. Sometimes I just don’t want to! Sometimes, believe it or not, I don’t want to be the one that thinks. I want to be the one that doesn’t think about shit and let others figure it out. Sometimes i’m just exhausted and I want to relinquish all responsibilities and decisions and just CHILL. Everyone else does it. Why can’t I? Why am I always the one dishing out instructions for people?

And another thing. Why I am always the one that steps outside of my world and into the worlds of those around me? It’s a constant thing for me. Without any conscious reasoning, I do it. I just go into someone else’s world. I’ve decided that my world must be sealed up in an indestructible cube of some sort. Or i’m the girl in the bubble. Because NEVER has ANYONE tried to penetrate it. No one. No one has ever fully, completely tried to understand me. I feel like no one has ever been all in for me. No, not even my husband. Not trying to throw him under the bus or anything….. but am I really that fucking confusing? Do I make it that difficult? I have tried to analyze the situation and figure out what i’m doing that makes it so hard for people around me to step into my world and provide real, genuine comfort from a place of empathy and I got nothin’. I’m clueless. I don’t see what i’m doing wrong. And so, as a result of feeling like no one has ever been able to scale the wall, I feel like i’m just alone….. everywhere. Me/them. I look back on my life and all of the things i’ve been through and I feel like….. wow. No one ever really got it? It’s so easy for me to get people yet no one gets me. It’s isolating.

What physical person do I go to for advice on a situation? Someone that will talk some sense into me and see it through…. like pave the way for me? Help carry the load when it gets to be too much? Every situation i’ve encountered I just feel like, well, they kinda get it but not really. And i’ve decided that i’m just meant to be that way. I’m just meant to travel it alone. I feel like i’m constantly confusing people and frustrating them.

This isn’t what I wanted to do but it happened lol. After I close this laptop, i’m going to go inside and do the same shit I do every other day. Same thing. Until this whole thing blows over (again) and I feel okay again….. but not because anyone ELSE made me feel better or anything like that lol. Oh no, too much. That would be asking entirely too much of people. No, i’ll just sweep it under the rug with the rest of bullshit. That’s why I just say fuck it. Just fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Life goes on. What else is there to do? Life just goes on.