A hundred 100s
You know how when you get a sunburn it’s like you become exhausted the duration of the sunburn? That’s me right now lol. So I passed out at like 7:00 tonight. I had a random dream that was totally insignificant up until the end.
In the dream, I was explaining something to someone. The way I explained it was as if I knew exactly what I was talking about. I said:
“Yeah, it’s called a hundred hundreds. It’s where you do one hundred different things, one hundred times, and then analyze whether or not you are a better person in the end.”
I immediately woke up after that and felt compelled to analyze it. I have a lot of crazy dreams, we all know that by now. But once in a blue moon, i’ll have one that stands out like a sore thumb. This is one of them.
So I started thinking about it. I don’t know how feasible this is for me to do, i’m just tossing the idea around.
Basically, you make a list of 100 things to do. It could literally be anything.
Let’s pretend the first item is to go for a walk. You will have to take a walk 100 times. Of course, it doesn’t have to be consecutively. But the thing that will make these 100 walks different from all of the walks you have previously taken, is that you will keep a journal of it (or blog, any kind of record).
Another example is that you could read the same Bible verse one hundred times. Of course not in one sitting.
Maybe one of your items could be to kiss your spouse. Hug your kids.
It’s entirely up to you what you would put on your list.
Why do I think this could be beneficial?
A lot of times, I get to a point in a situation where I wonder how I got there. How did my feelings about a situation come about? What was it like in the beginning? How does your paradigm shift when you pay attention to things? (I hope I am making sense, here)
More often than not, people tend to run on autopilot. For instance, while you make your daily commute to work, you might wrap your thoughts up into the troubles of the day. Every single day, to and from work, your thoughts are consumed. When your thoughts are consumed, it’s hard to appreciate the moment. Yes, you can witness something beautiful on your way to work, even during rush hour.
Maybe you hug your kids out of routine and never stop to really think about what kind of joy it brings to wrap your arms around them and just hold them. Or kissing your spouse. Maybe you do the kiss-before-work thing or the bedtime ritual kiss or the obligatory thank you kiss or the this-kiss-is-leading-to-something kiss. But when do you ever stop to think, “Wow.”?
Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking 10 steps ahead that I miss out on important moments in life. The small moments that lead to the great ideas. The moments that make you really stop and be thankful.
On day 1 of my walk I might be thinking of how lazy I am and how my body will pay for that walk later on. But on walk 15 I might notice an interesting yard fixture i’d never seen before. By walk 50 I might notice the man that refills the bird feeder every Tuesday. By the 100th walk I could see people around me in an entirely new light.
On the first recorded hug I may think about how adorable my kids are. By the 100th hug I may notice something entirely different about them that changes my perspective on being a parent altogether.
This is keeping a record of 10,000 moments.
Don’t hold me to it. I am sort of tired and slightly delirious right now. I just felt compelled to at least share. Maybe someone else would commit to it:-) Isn’t the human mind amazing?
Ambivert?
So, I am a member of an INFP group on FB. For those of you who have no clue what an INFP is, it’s a personality type. More specifically, it’s your Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you haven’t taken the test before, I am sure your results would blow you away…. unless you are one of the types who doesn’t care about this sort of thing lol.
INFP is what best describes my personality in that, they are my dominant traits. But there are some issues I have with that. One is that, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I recently learned that the term for that is ‘ambivert’. For a long time, i’ve debated with people on how it is totally possible to be both introverted and extroverted…. Everyone would say, “No, it’s one or the other. You may have off days but, overall, you are an introvert or an extrovert”. Glad I heard about “ambiverts” because I was starting to question whether or not I had some sort of personality disorder LOL.
Personality tests typically ask things like, “Would you rather go to a party or sit at home and read a book?” and it always left me stumped. How could you go with one or the other? Of course I would like to go to a party…..unless I feel like sitting home and reading a book. Of course I would like to sit home and read a book……unless I feel like going to a party. I could throw a great party, invite all sorts of people over, dance around and have the time of my life….. until I went them all to leave so I can lock myself in my room and “think”. I love being in crowds, until they drain me. I love being alone until it depresses me. I have to have a balance between large crowds and solitude. It isn’t one or the other.
So, I read some articles online about ambiverts and it seems we are the winners in the situation lol. I can dig that. Most believe you have to be an extrovert to be an awesome salesperson…… but it’s so true that sometimes extroverts can be so overbearing that it’s hard to tell whether they are being genuine about what they are selling or not. Do they believe in their own product or are they having a sugar rush? Then, the introverts obviously may seem skeptical about their ability to sell a product, making it seem like they don’t believe in the actual product. My approach to selling (if I were into sales, which I am *not*) would be to never sell something I didn’t truly like and believe in. And if I were to try and sell you something i’d say something like, “Look, I love it. It works great for me. Might not work out for you but then again you might love it. Not interested? Cool. BYE!” LOL.
If I am in the middle of a discussion, I am not going to jump at the chance to say something for the sake of saying something. I am also not going to shy away from speaking up if I have something to address.
My moods fluctuate a lot. One minute I am laughing and telling all sorts of jokes, the next minute I am awkwardly silent. Sometimes I don’t even know why but usually it’s the “vibe” I am getting from a person or a situation. If I start getting a strange vibe from a person or place I am at, I will put my mouth in silent mode and observe. I will start quietly analyzing the situation. People start asking, “Are you ok? What’s wrong? Are you sure?”…… And everyone jumps to the conclusion that if I am suddenly quiet, they must have done something to piss me off and that’s rarely *ever* the case because I am blunt and if someone pisses me off I usually call it out on the spot. It’s only when I am unsure about a situation or person, or if I am starting to question a possible chain of events that could unfold that I become silent.
On one hand i’ve sort of had the best of both worlds. I could go out and have a great time partying with people, then come home and spend the next few days avoiding phone calls and having my “quiet time” lol. As a kid, I used to have a lot of friends that I could go hang out with, have sleepovers with, etc……. so I wasn’t completely shy and stand-offish, I could interact with my peers just fine. But then there were many times where I didn’t want to be bothered. I wanted to go build a fort by myself somewhere. I used to always come up with different hiding spots. My favorite was up on the roof. No one ever thought to look there so I knew that was always the best place to get away from people. I’ve hung out on the roof as an adult MANY times LOL. I can go somewhere by myself and not feel like a lunatic….. but I can also go off with a bunch of people without feeling like i’m going to lose it.
The only time it really presents a problem is when an extrovert wonders why you are all of a sudden quiet or not wanting to be all up in the mix somewhere….. or when an introvert doesn’t want to go do something wild and adventurous.
But overall, I am happy that I can be both. It lets me experience the fullness of life. I can appreciate the hustle and bustle of a big gathering but can also appreciate the tranquility of solitude.
When Dads Go Crazy….
I have put off writing this for many reasons…. for one, I know some family members probably wouldn’t approve. For two, I have (for the most part) put it completely out of my mind. I have totally shut down in regards to this matter…..but there are always those moments….
Someone on my FaceBook shared a post from his blog, wishing his father a happy birthday. It was a very sweet post about his Dad and how great he is…..and it reminded me of who my Dad used to be…..
My Dad was THE Dad. He was that guy. He was the example to live by. I’ve never met a man so great in my life, and he just so happened to be my father. He was a genius. He was determined…..a real worker with high ethics all across the board. He was the kindest man you could ever meet. Forget giving you the shirt off his back, he’d give you the skin off his bones if you needed it. I can’t count how many times I have seen my dad pull every dollar, every dime, every penny out of his pocket and just give it away without a second thought. He gave everything. Though he has two bachelors and a master’s degree and is a retired Sr. Chief from the Navy with CRAZY amounts of recommendations, awards, life experience, etc…. he worked for free. He volunteered for various things around the city. He was an ordained minister. He fixed peoples’ computers and didn’t charge a dime. He picked up a homeless guy off the street and let him shower in his house and sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner. There isn’t enough time in the world to list off the things he did for others or the things he did for me….but he did them and he did them cheerfully. Needless to say, he got taken advantage of more often than not. I was so defensive of my Dad…… he raised me by those standards, to give freely….. and I do…..until I feel I am being totally taken advantage of. I always assumed my Dad didn’t know any better so I thought I had to protect him from people who were out to use him. But every time I would try to talk sense into him, he’d talk sense into me by quoting scripture to support why he got trampled on. He may have never truly understood what he meant to everyone who had the honor of being in his presence. He WAS the example.
Back in the day, we had major issues as a family. MAJOR issues. My mother is a recovered alcoholic. She gave it up when I was 14. A miracle. I won’t get into the details but let’s just say I lived in constant fear that they would divorce because I thought my Dad just wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Not many could or would handle what he had to endure. But he pushed through everything….. I mean EVERYTHING. Terrible things. He set the example. He defined what marriage is to me. That it is for better or worse, in sickness and in health, ’til death do you part. You make vows to your partner before God and you must honor them by any means necessary. And he gave me hope. He gave everyone around him hope—that if he could press on, surely anyone could. I loved my Dad more than anyone on the planet. I was a Daddy’s girl. I hate Florida. I never wanted to be here in the first place….. but I put off doing with my life what I truly wanted to do, for the sake of being with my parents. I couldn’t imagine not being around…..not going over there and singing karaoke, listening to my Dad play his guitar and sing John Denver songs….. I went to him with all of my problems. Any time I had a problem, he was my rock. He had the answers. He encouraged me. I judged the world around me according to how he would handle things….. I would think, “Just look at all he’s done. I can do this”. I spent my entire life feeling like i had the most amazing family on the planet. No one, and I do mean NO ONE could come as close. When the Lord comes returns for us, there is no one else I would rather be with than here with my family…..together like we’ve always been. I have so many amazing memories……..that now only haunt me.
My Dad, after 37 years of marriage, walked out on my mom for another woman. It took only 4 months for him to decide his 37 years of marriage was over. He left. He’s gone. He’s in North Carolina. It’s impossible. It still doesn’t even feel real and I can’t even let myself think too deeply into it because my head would explode. This could have never happened to us. The world would have ended before it came to this. Can’t even describe the horror on people’s faces when they heard the news….. even people who didn’t have much to do with my Dad. They knew. They knew if HE could walk out, anything is possible. Anything could happen. No hope for humanity. That’s exactly how I felt when he left. I have to reanalyze everything I know about life….. I will never go visit my “parents” again. We spent our last Christmas together. Last birthday. Last time I would wave goodbye to both of them. I am crying crocodile tears just typing this right now. When I start to think about it, all can say to myself is “This is impossible”. Nothing is the same. He has been gone since October of last year. He saw Nova once. That’s it. Oh I can’t even get into how it affected the kids, especially Judea. They loved their Papa. He was just the foundation of the entire family and now he is gone. It’s the saddest, most heartbreaking, depressing thing I have ever had to go through and that is an understatement. I can’t even think of him as being the same person so in a sense it feels like my dad died. I am not saying I want him to die or that he is completely dead to me, but everything I thought he was, he isn’t now….. I do not hold grudges. I have a forgiving nature, it always comes easily. But this? I have not been able to forgive…..and it only worsens the pain. I don’t know how to forgive him. I don’t know how to say, “I forgive you Dad”. And truly mean it. I’ve talked to him a handful of times and he acts like nothing happened, it’s just as natural as ever…….which is a huge reason why I think he has truly gone mad. He talks about this woman and her family…… he has little interest in any of us anymore. This is the Twilight Zone. I know anyone reading this probably thinks these things just sort of happen. No. They don’t. Not to us. He was always going to be around. He’d always be here for me. He’d always care about me. It’s just crazy……. Everything about my childhood……everything about my life feels like it was a lie…… like I go back into my memory vault and start analyzing different things like, “Ok, this is how I remember it but is this REALLY how it happened?” It makes me question if anything was ever real. So now, no grandfathers. Kevin’s Dad passed away in 2003 and my Dad went crazy and left last year…….
Crazy things can happen to the tightest knit family on the planet…….. leaving lives in complete ruins. But hey…… this at least got my family back in church. God knows, we need it to get through this one. First my grandpa died, then my Dad left, then my grandma died. Life just doesn’t even seem real anymore…….
I miss my grandma
I am very grateful that she got to meet all of my children. I am grateful she got to see 96 years old. I am so relieved that she died of natural causes and didn’t ever really suffer……but even with all of that, I miss her. I miss her more than I can even put into words and the idea that she won’t always be around is hard to grasp. I get it. She was 96. I know she couldn’t live forever. I just never mentally prepared myself for that day to come. Every time I thought about my grandparents dying some day, I started to cry and immediately tried to divert my attention to something else. I love them SO much and it’s just been really, really hard on me.
My grandma was such a special woman and I have already listed off her many awesome qualities in previous posts so I won’t do that now. I will just say that if I can become a woman like my grandma, I would count it as one of my best achievements in life. She was just that amazing to me.
She tried to get out of bed one morning in December and she fell. This wasn’t the first time that has happened, but this time, she broke her hip. They decided to do surgery on her a couple of days later. A couple of days after surgery they transferred her to a rehab center, which was incredibly dumb. At the rehab center, they couldn’t get an IV in her, so they just didn’t bother. She went 24 hours without fluids and it had been even longer since she had food. My sister went up there and threw a fit until they moved her back to the ER. Everything went downhill from there. She started chanting random sayings and what sounded like songs and poems. I mean, she literally chanted these things nonstop…..for HOURS. It was something I almost couldn’t bare to watch and if I didn’t care so much about making sure she was comfortable and safe, I probably wouldn’t have. I never wanted to witness my grandma slipping away like that but I felt it was my duty as her granddaughter to set those feelings aside and be there for her as much as I could, I would see her in the morning while my husband was home, then in the middle of the night when he got off work. A couple of days before she passed away, the strangest thing happened and I can’t get it out of my mind, I don’t think I ever will, really. My brother, sister, and mom were there at hospice with her. She hadn’t responded to anyone all day. I walked in and said, “Hi Grandma, it’s Kristi” and her eyes opened wide as she turned and stared right at me. I started crying my eyes out and then she started to pout. Her lip quivered and her eyes looked so sad it was really as if she was crying so we all cried even more. It was like she couldn’t stand to see me sad.
I thought typing this would make me feel better but it’s not. She passed away on 12/21/12. I would do anything to hug her one more time. I would really do anything. I miss her so much and I hope I can honor her and make her proud by dedicating 2013 to becoming a better person. She worked so hard all her life, I want to work just as hard. I will do it, too. I will do whatever I can to be a better person and make her proud.
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Cross country dream
There was a LOT going on in my dream last night. It started out that I was back in school. We were having a party and I was passing out the food to everyone. I was getting frustrated because I felt like every time there was an event, whether at school or elsewhere, I am always the one to step up and pitch in a helping hand while everyone else just sits back and has a good time. Something else happened that involved me buying a $9000 car for someone who needed it…… Idk what that was about lol. Anyways my family, for whatever reason, ended up having to go to California. I have no idea what we needed in California, I just know we had to go. We took a road trip……all of us LOL. My 3 kids and husband, my mom, dad, grandma, and sister…….oh yeah and my BIL Chris and his gf Janel were there. We were all in the same vehicle. When we got to the mountains I was so excited I didn’t even want to leave. As we drove past the pigeon river I told my BIL “look how clear the water is! You can see the rocks at the bottom”. Then out of nowhere, my dad drove us right off the road and into the river. We were seriously floating down the river. I was trying to figure out how we were going to get everyone out of the car, including Nova because yeah, forgot she was already born in the dream…..so while i’m trying to figure out how we’re going to get out, everyone else is oblivious to the fact that we were even in the river! They were just like business as usual and i’m in full panic mode. The last thing I remember, we stopped at a cabin to stay overnight and the front porch was right up on the river. I said, “If I could wake up and see something this beautiful everyday, I would be happy”. Then I woke up. I really want to move to the mountains lol.
