No one ever said it would be this hard…..
LOL I was in connection group (sunday school) this morning and our pastor was listening to coldplay haha. Not that I think it’s weird for a pastor to listen to coldplay or anything, I just didn’t expect to hear it in class haha. Pretty cool.
This has nothing to do with coldplay (though I am sure most who know who coldplay is would get the reference of the title lol).
I try so hard to stay positive and to not really worry myself over things I can’t change…… but sometimes it feels like i’m the smallest kid on the merry-go-round. I used to be that. I was BONES as a kid. BONES. And I would be on the merry-go-round and all of these kids like twice my weight would hop on and then you’d have like a 13 year old that shouldn’t have even been ON the playground in the first place, come over and spin that thing so fast it would make you feel like your head would fall off. And all you could do is hold on the best you can. Wrap your legs around the bars, hug it, do what you gotta do…. and the force was just crazy, the momentum was insane. I was TINY. I’m saying I think I weighed like 40 something lbs in the 4th grade. TINY. But I would hold on with every bit of strength I had.
That’s kinda how it feels sometimes. I try so hard to hold onto what I know and what I can control but then life throws all of these obstacles at you and you just hold on the best you can but in that moment, you are totally aware of how easy it would be to let go and fly off. Sometimes, you just WANT to let go. Your arms are hurting, your legs are hurting, your neck feels like it’s going to snap…. wouldn’t it be better to just let go? To release yourself and just fly off?
No, i’m not talking about offing myself lol. But why does this feel so hard sometimes? Why.
The most frustrating part of it all is that I am VERY contemplative. I mean, I REALLY know the difference between things so it’s not like I don’t know any better.
I know that struggles are really what makes us, what develops us. And I am grateful for the challenges I face. Every obstacle I have encountered in life has made me stronger. I’m not just talking bullshit, either. I’m serious. I can look back on my life and list off challenge after challenge after challenge….. and not a single ONE of them produced a weaker version of myself. I have ALWAYS came out on top. I’ve ALWAYS come out a little wiser, a little stronger, with a little more endurance. And so i’ve grown to see challenges not as something dreadful…..
I’m never going to rid my life of challenges. Ever. So that’s not even a thought I would foolishly entertain. I’m not one of those people which naively think “If only this could be fixed, everything would be better”. That’s a fool’s words. Foolish. So typically, my train of thought typically involves “how am I going to endure this and what am I going to learn from it?”. I know that some of the shittiest things i’ve been through have produced some of the most amazing, miraculous outcomes.
I KNOW THIS!
I also know that reality….. or, more specifically, circumstances, don’t “make us feel this or that”. That’s an illusion. Our perception is what makes us feel this or that. I may have used this example before but you got two dudes waiting in line for one of the scariest rides ever….. better yet, they’re waiting in line for this:
Oh, and they’re not dudes, let’s just say they’re women.
One woman is clearly shook. lol. Like, she’s on the verge of pissing her pants lol. Then the other woman is like YOLO! LOL.
So is the ride itself scary or is it exciting? Well, that depends on your perception of it. YOU create your perception.
Btw, I was the one screaming YOLO lol. I rode that when I went on my last trip to Vegas. I was by myself. No, really. I went to Vegas alone and I actually went around riding thrill rides solo dolo lol.
So if I understand the difference in that, then I clearly understand the idea that a circumstance isn’t bad nor is it good, it’s all in how you perceive it.
I KNOW THESE THINGS.
I also know that trying to seek satisfaction in “things” or “people” or “situations” is foolish. Because I know, no matter what, it’s always short lived. No different from a drug, really. You get high and then you come down…. and coming down, back to reality, blows ass. Not to mention the havoc that is wreaked on your life as a result. You buy a TV. Awesome. Something better comes out the next month and the TV you just paid full price for goes on sale lol. Isn’t that how this usually works? In my case, I buy all of these cute clothes and then I stand there, looking into a loaded closet like, “Omg, I have NOTHING to wear!!”…. I may have 15 pairs of boots but none of them match this dress the way I want lol. Ya know? Or, I saw Paul McCartney. A life long dream of mine, to be able to see one of the Beatles, ESPECIALLY him. Done. Now what? Now that i’ve checked that one off the bucket list, now what? What next? Been to Vegas. Now what? Next is Europe but then what? Like….. I can’t get no…… satisfaction. Foolish. Foolish. Foolish. It’s foolish.
I KNOW THIS.
Nothing lasts forever. Including life stages. I’m not going to be a 30 year old mother of four young children forever. I’ll be a 40 something with teenagers. A 50 something with young adults. A 60 something, hopefully with grandkids. Different stages. So these moments of INTENSE stress will NOT last forever.
I KNOW THIS.
I know that happiness is a choice. By default, we’re fucking miserable people. I’ve learned that. We have to choose to be happy.
I KNOW THESE THINGS.
I know better. I always do. I’m not dumb. I’m not naive. I’m not foolish. I know the difference. I understand….. like REALLY comprehend everything I get myself into, everything I go through, every challenge I face, everything I encounter. Like, I understand these things.
SO WHY IN THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD?!
Seriously. Why do you know what to do, yet do the opposite. Why? That’s the most frustrating thing of all. It’s better to be ignorant and have no clue what’s going on than to dive into a bad situation knowing full well what you’re getting yourself into.
I’ve been SO stressed at home. Sooooooo stressed. I honestly feel defeated. Shit’s gotten way out of control here. I’m not going to get all into the specifics but I will say that being a mother to four young children is SUPER fucking hard sometimes. Like…. months ago, I was on top of the world. I could load them up and dare them to act a fool. Piece of cake. But now, they are all hitting new stages in life and it’s becoming a huge challenge for me. Nova is right in the midst of the terrible two’s. I’m saying. She is a fucking HURRICANE. She leaves a path of destruction everywhere she goes. I’m not kidding. I turned my back for one minute…. look up and she RIPPED THE FUCKING MOLDING OFF THE DOOR! And proceeded to chase Ezra with it. Try to really let that soak in. A two year old with a strip of wood molding about 4 times her height, running around trying to sack her brother with it. That’s a pretty good visual of what’s going on with our sweet Nova these days. Ezra is growing into his “leave my shit alone” phase. I can already see what sort of temperament he is going to have. He’s very much into superheroes and comics and cars and building things and all of that fun stuff. And he’s particular about his things and doesn’t want ANYONE touching his stuff. He wants to post up somewhere and be left alone. If anyone disrupts his peace, he’s going nuclear. He’s also a mama’s boy. Like HARDCORE. Which I love. But he clings to me for EVERYTHING. ALWAYS. He will honestly say, “I don’t want daddy to fix it, I want YOU to fix my water”. Vayda is mature and so she fights for independence. I try to give her as much as I feel she can handle but she is still six. She doesn’t call the shots around here….. but she’ll damn sure try! So I have to deal with a mouthy 6 year old girl that thinks she’s 40 or something. Then, Judea. I can’t even put that into words at the moment. But. It’s bad. It’s bad at church. It’s bad at school. Bad at home. Bad at grandma’s. It’s a serious situation we’ve got on our hands with him. And through ALL of this, they feed off of one another. They all have VERY distinct personalities and ALL of them clash. I’m not kidding. You’d think with more kids the odds would be higher for having a couple that actually click. Nope! They all bounce off of one another’s attitudes and problems.
I’m not saying it’s the end of the world or that it can’t be conquered or anything. I’m just saying I feel like a fucking gladiator half the time. I feel like I am somewhat peacefully sleeping and then someone secretly wisps me away in the middle of the night and I suddenly wake up in full on warfare…… with like no tactical gear, no time for strategizing, nothing. It’s been brutal. I can’t even tell you how brutal it’s been. And Kevin works like 14 hours a day. So this is all me. He even goes in on his days off sometimes. ALL ME. No parents around to help or anything like that. Like. I’m literally doing this by myself. Day in. Day out. All day. Every day.
IT. IS. HARD.
But knowing all that I know should make it easier, right?
Wrong. That only adds to my frustration lol. Makes it harder, really.
I mean, I acknowledge that stress can either make you or break you. I understand completely that bad situations can either develop character or break it. I know that challenges can either build you up or break you down. If I KNOW these things, why doesn’t it make it any easier to handle at times?
And I do the whole “it could be worse” thing. I do that. I count my blessings all the time.
I also try to project into the future and decide where the potential for regret may be. Like, if I do or don’t do this, will I regret it later? I weigh shit out. ALWAYS.
I also look into the past and try to see patterns and……
I could go on for days. I’m a THINKER. I ANALYZE the living SHIT out of things.
Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t make it easier.
This is a rough spot for me and i’m going to make it through but damn if I don’t wish it would hurry the fuck up. Like, this is the shitty part of the movie, can we just fast forward it a little bit and get to the good part already?
And I look back over this past year and see the many good times and the many ways in which I was blessed. So WHY am I focusing on everything that went wrong?
Sometimes I really do think that “knowing” makes things more difficult….. because then there’s accountability and then decisions and sometimes I just don’t want to lol. Sometimes I just don’t even want to think about anything. I just want to clear my damn head and wipe the slate clean. Like, wave the white flag, declare defeat and let the cleanup crew come in and handle the aftermath……
I’m not a debbie downer. Promise. I’ll hide the living shit out of this mess and smile when i’m in front of others. I’m not going to walk around looking depressed because that’s just fucking obnoxious. But My GOD. Is help on the way lol. Is help. on. the way.
I need to turn this shit around and watch something really stupid. Maybe i’ll jump on YouTube and see if I can find some really fucking weird videos….. like of people doing shit i’ve never heard of. Believe it or not, I discovered a balloon fetish. No shit. I don’t know how it happened, I think it was an HBO documentary or something. But these fools got aroused by balloons. Talk about fucking weird. I need to watch something so that I know my life isn’t totally falling apart lol. I’ve not reached the strange fetish stage, praise the Lord lol. I’m at least still somewhat normal. I like the smell of pine sol a little too much but I think that’s okay, that’s not a total path to destruction.
Tomorrow, i’m laying the law down. This shit stops. I refuse to let my kids hog tie me and order pizzas and watch weird youtube videos. I’m not gonna let it get that far. Toys are getting boxed up. Kids are being posted up in the living room with crayons and THAT’S IT. That’s it. Until Christmas, shit’s gonna get pretty real around here.
If you’re having a tough time with your kids, i’m here to tell you……. i’ve probably got it worse. So take some comfort in that. Whatever struggle you’re going through, we’ve got four kids over here trying to stage a coup. They are conspiring. They are planning on the great takeover of 2015. It’s not fucking happening. Shit’s gonna get real.
I may sometimes make it look easy….. but i’m telling you….. i’m a fucking SOLDIER. The struggle is SO real in the Lind house. This is what tomorrow is going to look like: