Anniversary: Hillsborough River State Park

I’m officially a park ranger!!!!!!!!

Just kidding. I just wanted to see how that would look printed out.

Anyways, i’m gonna have to keep it real here….. I don’t want to post this because I feel obligated. When that happens, I imagine my blog is my math teacher reminding me about the homework assignments I missed for the last three weeks. For real. I need to change my banner to thick framed glasses with unusually prominent cockeye. When I do stuff, I feel obligated to blog about it now. That’s not what this blog is, here. This blog is that one ****ing piece of the universe where no one can tell me what to do lol. But i’m sitting here trying to relax and I literally hear sounds coming from my “Anniversary” folder…… they are making computer sounds….. very unnatural sounds, if you’ve never experienced that before…. translated: “You love your husband, don’t you? Don’t you want everyone to see how much fun you had? You blew $150 on some rain boots, don’t you want people to see you camping in them, using them for their intended purpose? Come on Kristi, just open the folder and spend the next 3 hours of your life sorting through the 500 pictures your husband took…..”

#overkill

I cannot take a lot of pictures on my iPhone because the battery is always dying and the storage is always almost full. It just makes life easier. But no. My husband is taking up photography……. it’s difficult scrolling through all of those pictures….. what if I pick the wrong one????? The one that looks like my back fat is going to spontaneously expand and start taking over the park like the pink slime from Ghostbusters…… I bet that’s what my organs look like. I bet they’re covered in oink ghostbuster slime. As a matter of fact, speaking of slime, I am REALLY starting to resemble slimer! Which would be cool if I could fly but I can’t so I just walk around looking like a……

Did you see what I just did there?^^^^ I’m procrastinating and hoping something pops up so I don’t have to write this blog. I feel like I can’t move on with blog life until I post it.

We really did have a lot of fun out there. Great, now i’m obligated to go into detail about how it went, what we did, etc lol….. Well, the first order of business was to do this to our (my) hatchet:

IMG_5224

 

I can’t contribute much in the way of order and structure and inventory and all that jazz….. but I can definitely sit and paint a hatchet with nail polish for three hours lol. #blameitonmyaddsail

Ok so yeah. We went to Hillsborough River State Park. I loved it there! The ride there was wonderfully country =) And I even got Kevin to listen to the country station on Pandora without complaining too much! The weather was absolutely gorgeous. We got there sort of late-ish and I had no problem setting up. It’s funny lol when i’m outdoors, I don’t mind doing dishes, cleaning and organizing, making things look nice, cooking, etc. I just hate being indoors. I love the outdoors. I love the smell of dirt and plants and animals. Not going to ramble about that, though.

The highlight of our trip was the mob of raccoons. They were really smart. The group would distract us while one snuck around behind us. I’m serious when I say a raccoon literally drug our entire trash bag off into the woods. This bag was like three times the size of his body and he ran so fast with it, he looked like a motion trail lol. It was totally uncalled for. When we go back, i’m bringing grenades. They don’t wanna try me, son! #bombsoverbaghdad

Anyways, to avoid never posting this blog because i’m not really in the mood to write about it lol, i’m just going to post the pictures. I will say this, however….. spend time with your partner OUTDOORS! Go for a walk, a bike ride, go camping, something! Even if you think you’re not into it, just do it. We’re MADE to be outdoors! We’re not supposed to be in the house all the time! It’s a really great way to connect with each other. Ladies, the bugs really aren’t that big of a deal. Sleeping in a tent is REFRESHING! Oh man, just opening the “windows”, letting the breeze come through, staring at the stars and listening to all of the noises in the woods…… there’s just nothing better. NOTHING better!! Can’t wait for the family trip!

 

 

 

I’m so dramatic

I finally watched Cloud Atlas last night. Don’t watch it if you “don’t like to have to think during movies” LOL. Hi Shannon! No, seriously. I watched it with my sister and it was very confusing at first but as time went on it was like omg you people are all geniuses. Whoever pulled this together: brilliant. I like offbeat movies that challenge you and really make you think… Without giving too much away, the movie was about how everyone is so intertwined with each other and that all of our actions, past and present, are shaping our future.

It blows my mind. I’ve always been so fascinated by the fact that everything we do, no matter how insignificant, is changing the world. I was looking at a butterfly the other day and I thought, “It’s WAY harder to grasp the concept of ‘no God’ than it is to understand God is absolutely the architect of all of this”. A butterfly. A snowflake. Something as tiny and nearly invisible as a molecule is just as magnificent as something as large and brilliant as the sun. Then you go and throw people into the equation and it’s just insane. It’s crazy. I watched a documentary about Transylvania tonight. People are amazing. I always find myself in awe of nature but it’s people that really leave me speechless. The complexity of a human being is…. I just don’t have any words for it. I’m not even talking about logistics here lol, our bodies are machines….. intricate, complex machines…… but the MIND. The human mind. The spirit. Crazy. When it is said, “Everyone sees the world differently” you can go ahead and take that one to the bank. Literally, we are seeing a different world. Every experience we have endured, every smile we’ve encountered, every tear we’ve shed, triumphs and victories, losses and defeats, relationships, conflicts…… everything has played it’s own special part in how we see our world and respond to it. 

Hardly anything in life is really “cut-and-dried”. I have four kids and while I certainly have my off days (or weeks lol) I can’t look at a mother of one and say, “Well if I can do it with four, you SURE can do it with one!” because i’ve been there. I’ve been a mother-of-one. That would be the equivalent of a guy that competes in marathons on the regular laughing at you for being winded after running a mile straight. I face this argument with my husband a lot. By nature, he is tidy and organized. I mean, it’s just in him to be that way. He sees it as something that is “matter-of-fact”. It’s simple to him. He has a hard time understanding that it is truly off of my radar most of the time. I REALLY have to focus all of my intentions on keeping up with things. I lose things in such crazy ways you would think I went out of my way to hide them from myself. But I can sit here and type as fast as I think. No direction. As I am typing this very sentence, I have absolutely no clue what my next sentence will be. But sit Kevin down and ask him to write a paragraph and he’s probably going to struggle with it. I get frustrated and I am like, “What does it even MEAN to be ‘good at writing’?????” To me, it’s like saying, “Oh yeah, he’s really good at breathing….. you just write. You know how to spell. You know how to form a sentence. Just write it. Write it exactly how it sounds in your head. Just spit it out and don’t worry how it sounds, who cares???? And that is his logic behind cleaning. You just pick the crap up and put it away. But for me, it’s not that simple. For Kevin, writing is not that simple. We are all so similar yet so VASTLY different. I always try to remind myself of that. I have to remind myself that we’re all *just people*. We’re just people. People tend to complicate that and try to section us all off. People try to come up with these “identities”. There’s so many things to separate us. We’re separated by land, by class, by culture, religion, experience……. a never-ending list of difference, and yet, we’re all just people. The leader of an indigenous tribe in a jungle somewhere…….is just another person. He breathes. He thinks. He eats. He sleeps. He lives……. and he’ll die….. just like we all do. Stand our president next to a garbageman……. very different existences, yet, none of that mattered in birth and it won’t matter in death….. At the exact moment in time, a baby is born in Iraq as one is born in the United States. Both of those babies are going to have very different lives…… they’ll never meet but will form opinions of the other’s culture and way-of-life……. no matter how society and experience shapes their view of each other, they are equal. In the grand scheme of things, when viewing the larger picture, they are equal. 

I’m on a diet and i’m telling you, that rice cake I just ate tasted like HEAVEN. Lord have mercy……

ANYWAYS. I mentioned in my previous post that the things we dwell on affect us.Everything that has ever happened has brought us to where we are today. You could say that on an individual scale. Everything you’ve ever done has brought you here. You could say that on a general scale. Everything the human race has ever done has brought us here. This is commonly accepted as a truth. So we all understand the basic principles of cause and effect. For every “cause” there is an “effect”. Go ahead, nod yes. Yes, this is true. So when you listen to a song about murdering another human being for God only knows what, how do you think that effects you? How about you play that song and then come home and watch the news…… and on the news you hear about a shooting on the Northside, a drunk driver who wrecked and took the life of a mother and her child, a house fire in which the family lost everything, followed by the latest celebrity scandal……..how does all of that effect you? Let’s say your news is interrupted by a phone call from your sister and she’s screaming and yelling about her husband and the neighbor that keeps seeking his attention. She gossips and speculates and basically the whole conversation is one big drama fest…… you fall asleep to a horror film and wake up to fight rush hour traffic where people are cutting each other off and acting like they are the ONLY PEOPLE who have jobs to go to…… you get to your job and before you can even swipe your card, a co-worker approaches you to give you word on the latest job drama….. I could conjure up an entire plot based on this unfortunate chain of events lol….. but this is a reality for SO many people. Garbage in, garbage out. It’s not rocket science yet it’s something so many of us struggle with. 

I don’t typically feel like a victim to circumstances. I know that circumstances change and I am very confident that I am where i’m supposed to be right now. Yes, there’s certainly times where a person or situation in general can frustrate me to no end….. but I am pretty good about grounding myself and understanding that whatever conflict I have with a person is just me externalizing my inner battles. There it is right there. My battles come from within. I’m good in organized chaos. Most of the creative types are…… but i’m in control of that chaos. When chaos is happening around me and i’m not in control, I get panicked. It really does feel like i’m suffocating or something. When too much is happening at once it’s like I become hyper-aware or something. It all hits me at once and I snap. I could be a fool and pretend that the environment is the problem…… but I know better. It’s my response to the environment that’s the problem. 

It’s all about how we respond to things so I am constantly trying to remind myself of this. It is a BATTLE. It really is. I feel that human nature just luring me back into the drama of the day and it’s like you fall into a hypnotic state or something…. like you just go along with things almost mindlessly….. but you’ll find those moments of reflection, the time you set aside to analyze and you can see how foolish you are. Hindsight is always 20/20. My thing is trying to maintain that level of cognitive function IN THE MOMENT lol. I don’t understand how people operate without reflection. I just can’t grasp it. We ALL go on autopilot. I’ve never personally met someone who is “aware” or “awake” *all the time*. It seems those who never take time to reflect and analyze themselves are the most reckless members of society. They live in this blind state 24/7, totally unaware of the consequences of their actions. 

Our external circumstances are typically an accurate reflection of our inner world…… just think about that. It’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes…..

Transylvania. Yes, i’m moving on, just like that lol. I feel i’ve said just what I wanted to say on that subject. This world is spectacular. Breathtaking, in quite the literal sense. Here’s some more “i’m so dramatic” for you lol. I see things so beautiful sometimes that I hold my breath. I truly *hold my breath*. For me, it’s just the natural response to certain situations. Something looks so perfect, the moment is so amazing you’re scared you’d change it just by breathing. You just stand in total awe of things. I really wonder how many people do this and how often….. I’m really emotional (or so i’ve been told my. entire. LIFE.)….. so I cry easily. I don’t really cry in a boo-hoo, omg guys, look at me, type of way. I ERUPT lol. I’m not really embarrassed by it like I used to be, though I do try my very best not to let anyone see because people don’t understand. When you see tears streaming down someone’s face, the natural response is to ask them what’s wrong so I totally get it…… but I don’t want to have to give a breakdown of my psyche for people hahahahaha. I’m very long winded and I don’t know if I could give a short version as to why things move me to tears like they do lol. So i’m watching a documentary of Transylvania and i’m just crying lol……and holding my breath lol. I could elaborate on how the clouds cast shadows on the mountaintops while the sun reflected on ripples in the water….. I could go into detail about how simple the lives of these people were, yet they lived in such a grand place in this world….. I could explain it but it probably wouldn’t justify it. I just cry. Bottom line. Sometimes it seems like everything that could be just *is*. I don’t know how to state that properly. It’s like a puzzle that has all of the pieces in place but that one key piece…… and you set it in it’s place and it just feels right….. it slides right in and takes its position and you pause and stare at it in it’s perfect, completed state. I sometimes see moments like that….. everything came together. Perfect timing. In the delivery room when you’ve pushed for the last time and in a split second you go from having no clue what child has grown inside of you for the past 9 months to holding your baby….. seeing your child for the first time…. it all comes together. Time stands still. That is a very obvious scenario that almost any parent can relate to….. and no, nothing compares….. but I have big moments…….moments where time stands still…… Even on an insignificant day you can experience a tremendous moment if you’re paying attention….. where all of your senses are captured by that moment, even if it only lasts for a couple of seconds……. and it leaves you feeling like the world is wonderful. Eating ice cream under a huge tree on a hot summer day….. catching the fragrance of a flower garden in the wind on a lazy spring afternoon…… those overcast days in autumn when the leaves suddenly fall all around you like confetti at a party…..the sting of freezing cold hands approaching the warmth of fire on a winter’s night…… and all of the once-in-a-lifetime moments…… an unexpected smile or a gaze that happens in the blink of an eye but leaves an impression for far longer….. your child finally catching balance on a bike with no training wheels and you just scream “go, go, go! keep peddling! don’t stop!!!!”……stepping out of an airport in an unfamiliar place, a place you’d only seen in pictures until now…..even in tragedy, like holding the hand of a loved one for the last time, seeing their eyes and feeling their life still present for the last time…… these moments where time……..stands…..still…. All of the late mornings where you rush out the door and spill your coffee, all of the dirty looks and arguments exchanged with people, the reality shows and celebrity gossip headlines, the pointless purchases…… a never ending list of things you *thought* really mattered are now trumped in a matter of mere seconds….. by something that caught you totally off-guard….. you didn’t spend years planning it to perfection, saving money for it, telling everyone about it, researching it, trying to make the best decision, trying to get it just right….. it happened and it was captivating……..

Wow, it’s seriously past midnight. I just wish people would pay more attention, sometimes. People spend their whole lives trying to create moments that come freely everyday if they just pay attention…. i’m so dramatic lol. Can’t help it, when i’m moved, i’m moved. Goodnight.

 

79 days without Facebook

So, I realized that I most likely wouldn’t give Facebook up for good. I knew I would be back at some point. I was actually prepared to stay deactivated for far longer than I did. I hate to admit this, it’s almost embarrassing lol…. I rejoined Facebook so I could try out the Timehop app LOL! Just keeping it real! I thought the idea of seeing what I did a year ago would be pretty cool. So I reactivated my account, went to my friends list and threw everyone on the restricted list….. hoping that would keep me from actually interacting with people so, in a roundabout way, I wasn’t actually “using” facebook for its intended purpose lol….. but then I realized that if someone were to see me on their friend’s list and click my page, it would be obvious that they were on a restricted list and I didn’t want to offend anyone. Besides, I saw my husband put me on blast about my recent shopping trip where I blew a boatload of money for no good reason lol…. so I commented on that and sort of came back……

I did miss interacting with certain people…. like my Aunts in New York, I like keeping up with them…. or Kevin’s Aunts that I had just gotten to know via FB, friends in VA, of course the random comical interactions with my husband, my brother, sister, Brenda, etc…. I mean, I like interacting with people even if it is via short status updates on Facebook….. but it had just become such a huge time-waster for me. I hated mindlessly scrolling Facebook to “see what’s new”. Check it out…. I STOPPED WATCHING THE NEWS. I went from having the news playing in the background 24/7 to not watching it at all. I just became aware of all of the negativity and it sickened me. The blame game between the political parties, the idiot politicians that get paid an ungodly amount of money to not do their job, the fear instilled in us ’round the clock, I just couldn’t take it anymore. If it meant not being current on events, so be it. I’ve just become more and more aware at how the things we dwell on DO affect us. You have to be pretty damn strong, mentally, to completely detach yourself from the world…. to not let things affect you. This is another reason I don’t really listen to rap at ALL anymore…. something that was such a major part of my life now really sickens me. I don’t want to dwell on awful things. The world is full of too much wonderful to focus on all of the dreadful. But that’s what is fed to us NONSTOP. We are force fed bullshit ALL DAY EVERY DAY. So I quit the news. So, quitting Facebook just seemed logical. It seemed the negatives really did outweigh the positives…. whew I need a new paragraph lol.

I understand people can have bad days. I get some pretty awful days. I also understand the desire to share those bad days with others. Sometimes we just need to vent. That’s fine…. but you can’t filter out all of the depressive crap on Facebook. It lures you in…. from the viral videos of the man dying of cancer to the hateful, political memes, the random females caught in love triangles of some sort and plastering their dirty laundry to their timeline (and, unfortunately, my news feed)…… the vulgar and obscene photos from pages like, “I’m a ride or die bitch” or something equally ridiculous. It just annoyed me. It annoyed the living shit out of me. I have enough problems trying to overcome my own “negative” tendencies…… I can’t deal with negativity from Facebook, too lol. 

To sum this up, i’d leave again and not think twice about it were it not for me letting others down. Some people got a little upset that I just left like I did and I never meant to offend anyone or make them feel like my interactions with them via Facebook weren’t meaningful…. it’s just all of the other stuff that you have to deal with, i’d rather not. If a bunch of people were meeting up at a rowdy bar that’s known to harbor drama, i’d probably pass on that too…. Facebook can sometimes become the rowdy bar that’s full of drama….. so it’s nothing personal lol…. 

Another thing i’ve always hated is the idea that something has a hold on me. I don’t like to be in the grips of anything. I don’t like to feel like something is controlling me. I don’t like feeling like a slave to anything. Freeing myself of cigarettes was the biggest accomplishment of my life because I was a TOTAL slave to them. First thing in the morning, last thing before bed……. smoke. Disgusting. It’s disgusting……. but I was in it’s grips. Thank God I don’t have that burden anymore. Facebook sort of controlled me. I know that sounds crazy but it’s just addictive. It’s so easy to get caught up in conversations on there…. it’s easy to give into the urge to find out what Disney Princess you are lol…… it’s easy to watch that viral video…… it’s easy to peek in on someone’s drama…. it’s easy to inform everyone that I had an amazing meal for dinner…. the thing is, I have other WAY more important things to do…… the kind of things people did BEFORE Facebook….. I don’t want yet another thing to worry about….. i sort of wish I didn’t go back lol…….

When I rejoined Facebook several days ago, it felt foreign. It still does, to an extent. I’m not used to keeping up with the news feed so it seems I miss out on a lot of “stories”, whereas before, I hardly missed a thing. “Already saw it on Facebook”. When you’re on a lot, you tend to be quicker at keeping up. I’m pretty slow on it now lol. It’s easy to miss something but the more time I spend, the more “used to it” I become….. that’s what I DON’T want. I don’t want to get used to Facebook to the point it becomes a way of life. I don’t want to get used to any of the unnecessarily to the point it causes distress to be without it. I have two cups of coffee in the morning and a cup in the evening. Brutal, I know. The park we camped at had a power outage…… I couldn’t get my evening cup and had to drive to get my morning cup…… I had a terrible headache and felt antsy. No, sir. I am going to have to do something about that. I want to be able to just LIVE. I am at the point in my life where I have a pretty clear vision of where I want to be and what I want to do. I am now mature enough to see most of the things in my life that are keeping me from those goals. We need VERY few things in life. VERY few. Most of the things we have/use, we don’t need. They distract us and take up the only thing that actually has value and that is TIME. Time is worth more than anything you have…… If you have no time, you’re poor. I don’t care how much money you have. If you don’t have time to do the things you need to do, the things you love to do, etc….. you’re being ROBBED. 

I’m still on my seemingly never ending quest to rid myself of around 80% of my belongings. I’m looking at a lamp right now that was worth about two hours of time. Forget how much it cost…….. the dollar amount translated to two hours of my life that I will never get back. It’s so easy to spend money on “things” when you’re not taking into account what you actually did to make those purchases. That was two hours that could have been spent with my kids, but instead, I bought a lamp…… I have three lamps in my room. Seriously! It’s robbery. Consumerism robs you of LIFE. It takes away moments. It’s a thief…… a clever thief that doesn’t even have to work to get what it wants….. it’s so clever, it convinces you to hand over your precious time with a smile on your face.

I wonder how much time i’ve spent in this virtual world…. a world where nothing is real. This page isn’t real. The pictures aren’t real. I’m about to go philosorapter so i’ll stop while i’m ahead….. but yeah….. i’m probably going to slowly become scarce on Facebook because it’s just not worth my time. The people are totally worth my time but 90% of the stuff I see is garbage and i’m basically investing in something that won’t really give me much of a return. Time is too precious for that…… 

Anniversary Camping Trip!

I should TOTALLY be packing for this trip *right now* lol. I sat and decorated a hatchet for 3 hours straight but can’t bring myself to actually organize and pack our stuff. I get worried that I might pack something we actually need to use and then I will spend forever digging it out…. not to mention, I don’t want to be responsible at ALL for leaving important things behind lol. No, I can’t handle the little tedious tasks that pull it all together. That’s what I have a Kevin for. Kevins do really well at that sort of thing. Kristis don’t. Maybe Christys do, maybe even Christi’s, but definitely NOT Kristis. 

April 3rd makes 4 years with THE most awesome guy i’ve ever farted on. I’m serious. He’s spectacular. His farts are REALLY stupid and weak, but he’s great. I was going to do something really amazing for our anniversary but i’ve bought myself a little more time, in that, our big 5 will be NEXT year and that’s a more logical year to stress myself out over. For now, we’re going to celebrate our togetherness by sleeping in the woods, kayaking with alligators and possible flesh-eating bacteria, being stalked by mythical wilderness creatures while cooking better with LESS than we have on a day-to-day basis. Basically, it’s going DOWN. Like, i’m going to turn my hat backwards and break out the patterned knee-high socks DOWN. 

I wanted to listen to older country music to get in the feel of the camping experience….. but i’ve not yet worked that kink out of Kevin and so I told him we’d listen to 2006ish hip hop and r&b to commemorate the joining together of the most badass duo since Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. #nowecantdancelikethembutimworkingonit. When Kevin and I met, I was working in a HOOD club lol. SO. I was very deep into the world of hip hop. No seriously, name a song, I probably know all the words lol. I’m just versatile like that! I’d pull up to the club blaring Story of the Year lol and everyone would look at me like, “Is she lost” and my regulars would be like, “No she’s one of the bartenders” lol and then i’d go in there and recite Jeezy or something lol. When Kevin first pulled up to the club to meet me on May 19th, 2006, his friend was scared to even get out of the car LOL! That’s how AWFUL this place is. I don’t know what I was thinking, I can’t imagine even sitting in my car with the doors locked down the block from that place now. My how people change haha. Anyways. Ever since that night, we’ve been inseparable. I mean, we’ve argued….. like CRAZY people. We get into it because we are so. much. DIFFERENT. But at the end of the day, we are absolutely best friends and perfect marriage partners. I come up with lunatic phases lol and Kevin is pretty much down for the cause. He’ll roll. Even if it’s something he’s not really into, he’ll roll with it. We just really compliment each other really well =)

So, the camping trip. Kevin’s idea! I know!?!?! He’s really getting into the outdoors life. It’s exciting. We’re going to be gone for two nights, which just doesn’t seem like enough at all. I am an extremist lol, I can’t handle small doses. I need a bunch lol. But whatevs, it’s better than nothing. We’ll camp longer when we go on our family trip. Getting my mother-in-law to watch all four kids for two nights was basically a miracle lol. It’s dark outside. I SO should be packing. I can’t. I think i’m too excited to pack lol. Ok, anyways. We’re going camping in the panhandle. My first choice was to camp in the mountains but Kevin has a meeting tomorrow so we will be leaving a little late. We just wouldn’t have enough time to drive to the mountains. But when we DO take our family camping trip, it’s a toss-up between Cloudland Canyon and Desoto Falls in Georgia. I can’t wait!

This isn’t going to be a spectacular post or anything. Nova is screaming now lol. I just wanted to do a quick “before-the-trip” post to look back on. 

 

Confidence

It’s almost impossible to blog and eat a taco at the same time…… “almost”. lol. I pretty much spent this entire day catching up on emails. Did I catch up? Absolutely NOT. LOL. No, no. Not quite. But I did knock out a GOOD portion of what’s in my inbox. The challenge here is that, as I respond, I get responses to my responses. So tomorrow i’m going to have a full workload lol. I need a system. Kevin reminds me that there will come a point that I simply can’t respond to every email on my own. I understand that. But i’m going to try!! LOL!. I’ll get more into that and my thoughts on when people get “known” another time. I want to talk about something else……

So, many of the emails I get all point back to the same general concerns and fears. One of the common themes is the fear of what others might think. I can understand that, to a degree. For instance, I was worried my husband might look at me different if he knew I needed all of my teeth pulled. I thought he would see me as being too far gone to deal with….. like he would want a fresh start with someone new. But I also knew that that was MY fear. That was NOT how he really felt. I understand that most of what we fear about others usually points back to how we actually feel about ourselves. *I* felt he would be better off with someone new, someone without so much baggage. I created that in my head and I knew it. 

That was the extent of f***’s I gave about what others might think. I’m just keeping it 100% real here. Like, i’d tell you lol. I’m honest, i’d tell you if I worried that people may think i’m weird or look down on me. I straight up did NOT care lol. I don’t “naturally” not care…. I mean, it doesn’t come natural to not care what people think. It’s pushed on us from very early on to REALLY care what people think. “What are you, a girl or something? If you play with barbies, people are going to think you’re a girl.”…… Stuff like that. If you do this, people are going to think that. You can’t just live. You can’t just live and be you and do what you do. But I rationalize everything. It’s funny, we were laughing about Vayda earlier because she is the EXACT same way. You can’t just tell her something is so and expect her to go for it. She had rubber bands around her hand and Shannon told her to take them off or her hand would fall off. Her response? “Show me pictures”. Pics or it didn’t happen, straight up cuzzo! LOL. I was like that as a kid. I know it annoyed some of my teachers. I never fell for stuff lol. I wanted to KNOW. So in my 20′s I REALLY began to rationalize the whole “caring what people think” thing. I think it is healthy, to a degree. You can’t totally disregard people, that’s just obnoxious. But I don’t really fret about people lol. Of course it came into my mind, “What are people going to think?”….. but I KNEW that the people who genuinely loved me and cared about my wellbeing would just be happy I didn’t have to suffer anymore. They would be happy that I could finally move on with life. Anyone else? Well, if they looked at me like, “Omg, you lost ALL of your teeth at age 26?????? Ewwwww! Weirdo!”….. my reaction to that would be #1 who the eff are you talking to like that (because I tend to get a little rowdy when someone blatantly disrespects me in a malicious manner) and #2 YOU are CLEARLY the weirdo for letting my oral health affect your life somehow. #rollupthewindowslockthedoorsdontlookdontlookdontlook. Yeah. That is WEIRD. Even weirder if you go around talking about it to people. Like, it just looks nutty to me. So no one could have me faded about my set-up lol. Yeah, it was a little unnerving thinking of how things could go terribly wrong on YouTube. I mean, the potential still exists that I could go viral and end up on Good Morning America with tears streaming down my face because the girl in the drive-thru wanted to take a selfie with the YouTube Denture Girl….. and i’m not talking about being inspired by me, either lol. I mean, it crosses my mind….. oops, new paragraph……

The thing is, I feel like helping others is more important because i’ve been there. That pain is REAL. It chills you to the BONE. I mean it really hits you and can destroy you. I can EASILY see how one would contemplate suicide over it. If I know I can help, and I know I can, I feel like it would be sort of evil of me not to. I feel like I would somehow be responsible for lives being ruined….. JUST BECAUSE I know what it means to need someone. I know what it means to have that shoulder to cry on….. that person to relate to when it feels like the world doesn’t understand. So I really feel like this is my duty. I feel like I am now responsible. I am accountable. I can’t turn my back now even if I wanted to.

So how am I able to NOT care if people laugh at me? It’s CONFIDENCE. I have confidence. Why do people think i’m pretty? Because I genuinely don’t care if they don’t think i’m pretty. That is what confidence is. Confidence is being cool with you, flaws and all. It’s not giving people control over how you feel about yourself. You are in control of how you feel about yourself. No one can “make you feel ugly”. That all comes from within and I know it probably sounds totally cliche and many people won’t understand that basic statement….. but YOU control your emotions. YOU control your thoughts about yourself. We tend to go through life blaming others as to why we feel bad about ourselves. If you didn’t care what they thought in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this situation. You cannot buy confidence. If you think you will become confident by getting a new haircut or a cute shirt, you’re chasing a fleeting DREAM. As soon as the hairstyle gets dated, as soon as the shirt doesn’t fit, it’s back to the drawing board. So you live in this perpetual state of trying to grasp and maintain confidence. That is because you are chasing it OUTSIDE of yourself. It DOES NOT EXIST OUT THERE. You may get an ego boost here and there. Your self-image may temporarily improve….. but you’re not going to find confidence unless you find it within yourself. That’s real talk right there. 

I am probably running the risk of sounding arrogant here but I promise it is not my intentions. I get a lot of messages from females who want exactly what I have. They tell me how pretty I am and that they want a picture of my smile so they can have one JUST LIKE MINE. There’s more to it than that but we’ll stick to the smile thing for now. The thing is, for one, obviously no one is going to look just right with my smile because this is my smile. Yes, you can use it for a basic example, like if you want my tooth color or shape or whatever. But if you want a replica of my smile, it’s probably not going to work. Yes, my dentist has told me that people have asked for the “Kristi” smile lol. But the thing about my smile is that, *I* make the smile. And YOU can make your smile. You can make your smile look like a billion dollars if you are confident in it. If you are genuine when you smile, it’s attractive. Bottom line. A genuine smile looks good. Crooked teeth. Fake teeth. Expensive teeth. Doesn’t matter. If you MEAN it, it probably looks great. My best friend has crooked teeth that she HATES but I have ALWAYS loved her smile because it is sincere. When she laughs, she means it and it looks great. She thinks i’m crazy but I think it’s a gorgeous smile, honestly. Even my little sister. She got braces and if that’s what makes her feel good, have at it, but I loved her smile before, too. 

I really, really, REALLY don’t think i’m that pretty. I am not fishing for compliments. I know how it is when a pretty girl posts an amazing picture of herself and captions it, “Ugh, i’m like sooooo ugly” or something to that effect lol. That’s not what i’m doing here. No, I don’t think I look like the elephant man or anything. I mean, I think i’m decent, cute at times, even….. but nowhere in the league of “She’s smokin’ hott” lol. Not quite lol. And so sometimes it truly baffles me why people say stuff like that about me. Like it for REAL makes me wonder, what am I missing here? The super pretty girls have great skin, pretty hair, I mean, I could go on lol. So I think the reason people perceive me as attractive the way they do must be in the way I carry myself. If must be my confidence that people catch onto. Because I feel the same way about people. Like, i’ll see a guy or even a girl (#nohomo) and be like “what is it about them??”…. I mean they look decent and all but that’s not it, it’s something else. People are just DRAWN to people with confidence. That’s just the way it is. They are noticed quicker. They stand out. They make people feel sort of good when they’re around. 

In a totally UN-cultish/new-age-ish way, I think one’s energy has a lot to do with it. Energy/vibe/whatever you want to call it. You just sense it in people…… at least I do. Maybe it’s because i’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in, but i’d observe people and over the years have gained a pretty accurate understanding of people. Not like i’ve got people all figured out or anything but I just get vibes from people. Maybe i’m used to the subtle change in tones or the quick redirection of the eyes, all of the body language cues, just all of that…… and so I get these vibes and can tell sort of what they are about. Like, I can sense when someone is really in pain or when someone just needs a few words of encouragement or whatever. I guess the words commonly used for this are “empaths” or the “highly sensitive person”. Call it what you want lol it is what it is. All of us have this but I think people mostly ignore it or just aren’t used to trusting their instinct….. or maybe they just don’t pay enough attention. But when it comes to someone who is happy with themselves, it just attracts people to you like a magnet. People far and wide want a dose of whatever it is you have. They want in on it. These are the teachers, the leaders, the people who make a difference in the world. Of course it can be used for good or for bad. I am sure Hitler was a very confident dude, that’s how he was able to gain the support and loyalty that he had. Because most people go through life doubting themselves. They worry that they don’t quite measure up. So when someone comes along that is sure of themselves, it comes off as a sort of “power” or “authority” and people want it. They just want to be near it and make use of it and most of them can’t even really understand why. 

Sure, magazines and Hollywood in general will lead you to believe there is some sort of standard for pretty or handsome. Best case in point is that back in the 70′s, dudes were rocking the grizzly beards. I always looked at it like ooommmmgggg whyyyyyy???? But that was the thing back then, that was just what you did. But in my generation, that was like, “Dude, you look like a caveman, go shave”. So if you saw a man with a full on beard walking around in 1996, you’d probably be like #notwhatsup. But here we are and the beard has returned and it turns out it actually IS hott. This constant change in the fashion industry leaves for some pretty unstable terms of who looks good and who doesn’t. I mean, you never know if you’re going to be “in” or not lol. This is why you can’t really rely on other people to give you “confidence”. It would always change. It’d always be uncertain. Sure they can try to dictate what the latest trend is but that has nothing to do with how you feel about yourself. I genuinely feel bad for the women who feel like they HAVE to be up in the salon all the time in order to feel good about themselves. If you do it because you love it, great! If I had the money for it, i’d like to actually pay someone else to keep up with my hair and nails and what not….. but to the people that RELY on it to make them feel good…. what happens when it’s gone? Are you ugly now? Can you not enjoy life now? So you should never seek confidence from external things. You should be confident in ALL situations. Sure, some things make you uneasy and uncertain but your overall happiness with yourself is on point. Doesn’t mean you are perfect and it doesn’t mean you accept your own shortcomings, you should always strive to improve….. but you don’t stress about who you are.

If you are stressing about who you are, you need to be fixed from the inside. That is priority #1. 

If your “friends” would think less of you because you have to get dentures, what kind of friends are they? They should be worried about what YOU think of THEM for even thinking that way! If your spouse would jump ship because you have to get dentures, good Lord, what would they do if you faced a REAL problem???? Because dentures are NOT the end of the world. Really. Many women tell me, “I have a lot of judgmental people in my family”….. I get it, but why let THEIR PERSONAL PROBLEM become your problem? That’s THEIR character flaw, not yours. If they would judge their own blood for something beyond their control, what sort of family are they? If your co-workers are judgmental, what does that have to do with you getting your paycheck? I mean, life would be MISERABLE if we constantly tried to please others. If we constantly tried to influence the opinions of others in our favor, we’d basically be living JUST FOR THAT. Let me put on my work face, put on my church face, put on my bar face, put on my mommy group face….. how can you deal? How could you live like that? I’d lose it trying to keep up with it all.

It’s much better if you just say to yourself, “This is me. This is who I am.” And to just KNOW you. You KNOW who you are and you’re sure of who you are. You’re sure you are a TOTAL slob but miracles happen everyday and some day, you’ll find your groove and you won’t be a slob anymore but today you’re a slob and there’s no getting around it. Period. You have to get dentures. That’s the deal, it is what it is. Just because your boss doesn’t like it very much doesn’t change the scenario. It doesn’t magically make reality disappear. So own it. Own yourself. OWN IT. Sometimes I really truly do have to remind myself. Like, “This is just me. Basically. Sorry! I’m just me. I’m not her, i’m not that, i’m me and I know me. I’m me over there, i’m me at home, i’m me in a car, i’m just me. God made me, me. I’m cool with me. We get along great”. It’s almost like you have to remind yourself, “FOCUS. You KNOW who you are”. And NOTHING will change that. They laugh? So what. They don’t like you? Sorry it didn’t work out. He left you? Blessing in disguise, now you can find someone who WON’T leave you. She talks about you behind your back? You control her thoughts and words. BOOM. I mean. Just know you and be cool with it. That’s what I do. No, I don’t feel like getting into a long drawn out thing about my teeth with people, I certainly don’t want anyone to ever pity me or feel sorry for me…… but I can’t change who I am, what i’ve done, what i’ve been through, I just can’t change it. The opinions of others can’t change it and i’m not about to be held captive to one’s thoughts of me. I don’t let other people’s problems with me become my problem. Straight up, moving on.

The new lipstick probably looks great. The shirt fits just right and the boots look amazing. That necklace perfectly accessorizes your outfit. Your hair falls just right……… but that’s not going to make you worry any less about what people think about you.It’s not going to make you sleep easier at night. It’s when you  can be totally real, totally honest and unapologetic about yourself that you will look your best. You can’t buy that at a boutique, sweetie. Own yourself and your life and everything else will fall in line like clockwork.

I’m up again

And it’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever done in my life. One side of my brain isn’t properly processing information right now (not sure which one) but the other one is so i’m smart enough to know how stupid I sound right now and my eyes are on fire. I think my epidermis has developed a leather-like barrier or something because that shower was NOT hot. I like my showers so hot I almost obtain 3rd degree burns but that was more like, “Welcome to Friday, Kristi. You should have stayed in bed. Muahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!!”. 

I accidentally spent too much money in Target yesterday and I think Kevin is thinking about doing not-so-nice things to me. I went there for a scale but came back with new lunch boxes for the kids, some knee-high socks, yoga pants and a grumpy cat t-shirt :-/ I didn’t get the scale, either. I hate it when that happens. You can’t send a woman with ADD and money in the bank to Target. That’s just the way it is. 

Speaking of the grumpy cat t-shirt and yoga pants……. i’m a total fat ass now. Totally. Looking at my pictures is almost painful. I’m starting to buy frumpy gym clothes so I can be “comfortable” i.e: fat as all get out without having to see my fat rolls. I’m up right now because i’m supposed to be trotting my fat ass around the neighborhood on my bike but i’m scared that i’ll wake the kids up by moving the bike outside, then Kevin will basically just want a divorce because i’m fat, loud, and I spend money on stupid stuff in Target.

I DID clean our backyard the other day! It had gotten so bad, I think we would have been contenders for a reality show of some sort. It was awful. We hadn’t been out there since last summer. Straight up. I will take yard work over house work ANY DAY. If you knew how much i’ve utilized spell-check since beginning this, you’d think I was in Kindergarten. Anyways. Yeah, when I make my mind up about something, i’ll half kill myself to get it done. I do it big. So the backyard pretty much looks brand new or something lol. I spent the entire day out there. From the time I got up and got dressed, to the time the sun pretty much started to set, I was raking, burning and bagging leaves, trimming, pulling weeds, mowing, cleaning, you get it. It was awesome. I would clean the front today if it weren’t going to rain. It always rains in Florida…. but it never rains in southern California, they tell me……

So that’s the deal. <——– that was me trying to end this blog because I did NOT get up at 5 to write a blog! But I forgot something lol….

The social anxiety is almost in full effect. I’ve pinned it down, though. I totally see what’s causing it and it’s DUMB. So, at this level of awareness, i’d have to be dumb as a brick to allow myself to continue on with it. For me, there’s usually a “worst-case-scenario” that i’m avoiding….. and so, I stress myself out trying to make sure that worst-case-scenario never happens…… and I avoid. I avoid like the plague. But thinking about my worst-case-scenario has got me feeling like the biggest moron walking the western hemisphere….. and so now i’m just telling myself “honeybadger don’t care. honeybadger don’t give a shit”……. and i’m going to knock of the crazy shenanigans and need to have a body-guard 24/7. I’m ok by myself. I’m cool. I’m good.

And while i’m having all of these life-changing epiphanies or whatevs, i’ve also decided to at least make an honest attempt at not obsessing over things that do not matter. The things that don’t produce anything. The time-wasters. The brain ninjas. I’ve got stuff to do. I don’t have time to worry about things that don’t matter one way or the other. I’m 30, not 13. So i’m eliminating the time-thieves.

My macbook is fried so if you’ve made your way over here because you’ve googled me and want to chop my head off for not responding to your email, i’m so sorry. I have a system on my macbook. I have a set-up. I can’t remember the last time I actually logged on to gmail’s website. My inbox is so loaded that I wouldn’t know where to begin on Gmail. At least in my mail program, I can search and filter and scroll or whatever. Buuuuuuuuuuttttt that doesn’t matter now because it looks like I won’t have my laptop back for sometime. I am going to try to catch up on emails tonight. You see, in my mind, I think i’m somehow going to be able to get time to take my computer to the beach and respond to emails while listening to the waves crash lol….. but I need to get over that and accept the fact that i’m going to be responding to emails via the dining room table while Nova slaps me and Ezra begs for his “dark side” lol….. 

ok. i’m done.