Taking a quick break from cleaning. When I clean, i’m listening to a documentary or lecture or something involving some REALLY intense shit. I always want to get better. I’m coming out of this weird RANDOM bout of depression and am starting to feel much more at peace. Anyways, yeah, I always want to get better……
But sometimes, you are never more awesome than when you just confess to how much you suck and how shitty you are and you’re just okay with that, even if only in that moment, ya know?
I love watching intelligent people talk….. because I don’t really consider myself to be very intelligent but I want to be so I watch these people, I listen to this stuff and just try to soak it all in or whatever….. and I find myself saying, “Man, i’d love to sit down and talk to him!” and I would wonder what our conversation would be like…..
But i’m Kristi. I’m unpredictable and a total fucking loon half the time. So I imagine if I had the opportunity to speak to a real genius, I would probably start teaching them how to armpit fart or something equally obnoxious.
I can’t stand for things to be uptight. I can’t stand for things to be too serious. I can’t stand for things to be too structured and routine.
I honestly believe that a part of being truly happy and successful is to admit you don’t have it all together, you don’t have all of the answers, you are very aware of your flaws and you do try to improve but you’re totally okay with the ride and you’re totally okay if you still mess up from time to time…… and you can just laugh shit off. You get knocked down, it sucks, but you get right back up. You don’t wallow. You make a major mistake or no…. you make a FOOL of yourself but you don’t run away from it…. sometimes you want to, sometimes you want to run and never look back but you don’t. You brush off your shoulders, return and hold your head high, give it another shot. People can laugh and you’ll just laugh with them because you know YOU have the last laugh because YOU get it. You get it. They don’t.
I embrace my bouts of insanity. Nothing is perfect and it really shouldn’t be. You can get mad for taking the wrong turn or you can be thankful that you got to see some cool shit in the process.
Be honest. Be truthful in everything. A part of being truthful is admitting that you are totally bogus. Because you are. You make really stupid mistakes and sometimes you don’t even know why. Sometimes you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. Sometimes you haven’t the slightest idea as to what you are talking about and you’re just pulling words out of your ass left and right and it’s FINE. It’s okay. You were an hour late, everyone was pissed, you basically suck but guess what? The world didn’t stop. It kept turning. It will continue turning. It’s like a merry-go-round full of kids at the park….. you’ll fly off and those little brats won’t slow down or stop for you but you have gotten REALLY good at jumping right back on while the damn thing kept spinning.
I think for the past month I have had one hellacious experience after another. Just disaster after disaster….. frustrated…. stressed like you wouldn’t believe….. and here’s the thing…..
I knew it wouldn’t last. I kept telling myself, “This will pass, it always has before.” and I just knew that. And I knew that it wasn’t like any one single event was the end of the world it was just a collection of bullshit that had me like, “Really?!”……. my problem was trying to figure out how I was physically supposed to handle it. Like, for real. Every time a child would scream or someone would request something or something would go wrong or WHATEVER, it felt like needles…. like piercing my brain…. it’s like, “shut up. shut up. shut up. SHUT UP!” and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was being suffocated or something. My heart was constantly racing and I was constantly on the verge of tears, which, I unfortunately dumped on our Pastor at a TOTALLY totally random moment and it was pretty embarrassing because I looked like an emotionally unstable lunatic, which is not exactly what my intentions were in the beginning but….. I lost it. All of it built up and I broke down and lost it.
Life fucking goes on. It does.
Brush it off, get up, try again. I know I suck. I know i’m annoying at times. I know I don’t have all of the answers even though I sometimes have the tendency to try and appear like I do. I thoroughly enjoy the journey so i’m okay that I don’t have it all or have it all together.
It’s when you start trying to live up to these unreachable standards that you find yourself extremely unhappy and hopeless. This isn’t an excuse to not strive to be better….. if you’re not constantly trying to grow and make improvements, something is wrong. But when you let these little things (don’t sweat the small stuff…..and it’s ALL small stuff) derail you, you miss out on the joy of learning from mistakes….. it’s a joy…. maybe not in the moment but eventually, if you look at it the right way, all of this suffering, all of these failures and let-downs and HUGE mistakes can become tools….. people who don’t make mistakes NEVER grow. I think the most successful people in the world are the ones who made the most mistakes, had the most setbacks, but USED THEM to their advantage, rather than wallowing in the self-pity….
My heart’s desire is to always improve, to always do better and be better, to always be on the right side of the equation, to do right and do good….. I desire it. I crave it. But I also am VERY aware of the fact that I suck….. and sometimes I do things that are opposite of what I truly want….. sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes i’m just downright awful….. BUT. I am redeemed. There are infinite second chances. God never runs out of mercy. He never runs out of forgiveness to extend. By me dwelling on how much I fall short and how horrible I can be….. I am basically downplaying God’s grace. It’s like saying, “I can fix this by doing xyz a little better”…..
(interjection: do not EVER point out someone’s mistakes and flaws for the sake of pointing them out. Don’t be one of those “well, I just wanted to make you aware of the fact that this is wrong, wasn’t sure if you knew that or not, okay, bye” kind of annoying people. If you point out anything, you better be coming from a place of love and desire to see someone be better and if that’s the case then you damn well better be prepared to help them through….. if not….. just totally shut up because it’s obnoxious)
Anyways, just wanted to briefly touch on this while it was fresh in my mind. You aren’t defined by your failures, you are defined by what you do with those failures….. do you let them claim you? Or do you use them as fuel to become a better version of yourself?