Bike ride at my grandparents house

It’s 3:00 and I’m up as usual. Idk why I keep having these dreams involving my grandparents. Had a dream that we were al gathered at their old house in Windsor. I decided to take Judea to show him where we used to ride our bikes. First we stopped and said hello to one of the ladies that lived across the street. She showed me a hat my grandpa have her. He was all about hats and gag gifts, he was hilarious lol. He had books of jokes and puzzles and other quirky things. He was a really smart guy. Anyways we left there and went down the side road that our friends Tiffany and Jennifer lived. We stopped at their old house to see if their mother lived there still. It was a lady that looked like their mom but it turned out to actually be Jennifer. We left there and before we got to the community center (I thought I was so cool because I could ride my bike down a flight of stairs lol) we stopped at a shack/tent….. A woman lived there and I swear she looked like something off the hills have eyes lol. She yanked my tire off of my bike and repaired it. It was really creepy. I woke up.

So it’s now almost 7:00. I went back to sleep at like 4:00. I had a dream that I was back at hospice. I was walking around, confused as to why I would be there since my grandma has been gone for a couple of years. I went to her room and she was still there, alive…. though she looked dead. I couldn’t look her in the eyes so most of what I saw was from the waste down. She was laying there, barely breathing. In the dream, the people at hospice lied about her being dead and have kept her there for the past couple of years, waiting for her to die. She hadn’t been getting food or water but still wouldn’t die. I sat on her bed and started crying, then she immediately sat up and said, “Kristi? Is that you?”. She was very alert but in a demented sort of way. I told her I was sorry that I left her there and that I thought she was dead. She was crying, inconsolably, almost like a child. She told me she wanted me to believe she was dead for my own good, just so that i’d let her go…. but she wasn’t dead. She didn’t want to leave. She told me she never wanted to leave me. And i’m like going crazy in there. No one sees us. All of the nurses and patients and family members are just swarming around us as if we don’t exist. That’s when I realized I must be dreaming so I woke up.

I think I know what prompted that dream. Shannon and I went to Home Depot the other day to get stuff for the kitchen renovation. Since we had three large sheets of plywood strapped to the top of my car, we decided to take the back roads, rather than taking the interstate. It forced us to go past the hospice where my grandma died. I started crying. I just thought about how she died in such a meaningless place. That place had no significance to her. It wasn’t Lake Wales, it wasn’t upstate New York, it wasn’t Virginia….. she never even wanted to move here. She only wanted to move here because my Grandpa agreed to…. she wanted to move back to New York. She always did. She really hated Florida. So here she is, wrapping up her 96 years of life on this earth on a backstreet in Jacksonville, FL…… It was such an emotional time for me that I didn’t even think about the possibility of her spending her final days at my mom’s house. If it had crossed my mind, I would have chosen that and I wouldn’t have left her. I would have had the kids camp out with me over there and I would have slept in her room with her right up until the end. I just had Nova a little over a month before she passed. I was taking Nova with me back and forth to stay with my grandma twice a day. In the morning before Kevin went to work, then late at night when he got off….. my dad had recently left….. it was one of the most emotionally draining times of my life so I wasn’t thinking straight. And I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, I did what I felt I could at the time…… but as time goes on, I guess I just wish I could do more. I don’t know why i’m taking this so hard. Everyone else is sad about it and everything but i’m like….. irrational about it. I did spend the most time with them but even still…. I just don’t understand why it’s still so fresh on m mind that if I talk about them or see their picture, I lose it allover again. I want to be able to look back on the memories without crying crocodile tears. It’s too early for this. But yeah, that’s my dream.

WWJD

So there are probably a billion things I could write about right now. Kitchen renovations, Judea went to camp, upcoming 21 hour road trip lol….. lots going on. Anyways, yesterday morning in our connection group, we talked about pursuing holiness and all that entails…..and the fact that, as Christians, we are all called to pursue it. First, let me give you a little stereotyping lol.

As a teenager, holiness was the last thing on my mind. The very word “Holy” brought up so many different thoughts and emotions. For one, holiness was something that no one on earth could ever achieve and so the idea of chasing something so fleeting seemed stupid. If I even contemplated the idea, I immediately became discouraged and felt i’d never be worthy. I knew me and knew what I was and wasn’t capable of and so to call someone like *me* to try and be holy was almost laughable. I was stealing potted plants from peoples’ porches for a practical joke. There was just no way lol. And then, the idea that something was holy made it seem lifeless…….devoid of personality and character. A robot. And so, in my mind I figured I would go ahead and live while I can, then try to be holy when I got old and couldn’t get around very well lol. I’m just keeping it real, here. It just seemed so unattainable that i’d do more harm to myself in trying to pursue it than just not even giving it a shot. Jesus is holy and i’m nowhere near the level of Jesus status.

And so time goes on, I screw things up, etc lol. We know how the story goes. My life didn’t make much sense, lots of pain and trials and storms, sun was nowhere to be seen half the time. When the sun *did* come out, it seemed sort of cruel because i’d catch a brief glimpse just long enough to know what I was missing and then it would become dark again. Can anyone relate to that? Problems abound, there’s no lack in problems….. but blessing and happiness and all of the good were nowhere to be found. Problems filled bucket after bucket that needed to be hauled long distances…….and happiness and joy was like sand that you briefly get to hold before it all slips right through your fingers.

What does this even have to do with holiness? Well, i’ll tell you what I believe holiness *isn’t*. Holiness isn’t mapping out your life and doing the best you can. I’m going to derail this for a moment lol. My friend and I had a long phone conversation about a week ago and we were talking about the number of children we have/want. Now, most people have this plan made up. They are SURE they want 2 children. Before I go any further, i’m not knocking. I’m just calling it how I see it. You do you, I do me. Anyways. Most people want two children. Maybe they want 3 but a third child is not in the budget. Sort of like, yeah we’d like to have another car but we can’t afford the payment so we’ll just stick to two. Kind of like that, only with kids. They want to be sure they have enough money for X,Y, and Z. Sports, dance, vacations, first car, college, wedding (I want to vomit thinking about what the average american spends on their wedding and that the divorce rate is 50% lol. Idk, just gonna throw this one out there…. could the $25k wedding have anything to do with the divorce? Idk. Just a guess), etc. You get it. They’ve mapped it. They’ve set down and mapped out every aspect of their life, according to what they want. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a plan…… but what happens when your plan doesn’t line up with God’s plan? Then what? What if God wants you to have 3 children? What if that is the plan? Then you’re all stressed out because #3 wasn’t in the budget and now you have to reconfigure all sorts of things, move things around to squeeze the extra kid in….. and you make it work….. but what if that STILL doesn’t line up with what God wants for your life? What if he doesn’t want you to have that house? What if you’re not supposed to have that job? You’re fighting tooth and nail to stick to the plans but you never once considered that God is above ALL things. God is in control. The more you buck against what God wants for your life, the more pain and frustration you bring on yourself. Why not just SUBMIT to God’s will? Just bypass all of the frustration and get right to the point. God will have his way with you and i’m telling you, you don’t want to be on the wrong side of that. So think about that. I wanted 3 kids. I ended up with 4. I consider myself an “intellectual” lol. I love to be in good conversation with others about interesting topics. I would love to work. I would LOVE, love, LOVE to have a job that i’m really, really good at. Something that I could be recognized for. Something personally fulfilling. I’d like to climb the ladder of success. I’d like to show off all of my plaques on the wall, tangible things to show my success….. That’s NOT in the plans. It isn’t. That was MY plan. That was MY vision. God wasn’t having that. If this isn’t God that has been leading me and guiding my way, then i’m seriously, legit crazy and need to see a shrink. Because none of this was *my* doing. I’m now scared o make a decision on my own because my track record shows me that I suck at making decisions. I just do a really bad job at it. I used to think this was my “intuition” that sort of nudges me here and there or what not. It’s God. It has to be. I can feel when i’m getting it wrong. I can feel when it’s going how it should. I don’t have all of the answers at ALL. Some situations are like……. just why. Why. Why do we have to do this. But I trust God because I can’t trust myself. God has always taken care of me. I don’t have to worry. If I find myself in a panic, worried again, I can rest in the fact that God knows what He is doing, He knows what His plans are for my life, before the foundation of this universe was laid, God knew how he wanted my life to turn out. So that sort of makes my “plans” seem sooooo silly. Like a 5 year old who sits down with a box of crayons and tries to map out what Kindergarten is going to be like lol. It’s just ridiculous.

So what does THAT have to do with holiness? I believe holiness is total submission to God’s will for your life. Pleasing to God. Whatever is pleasing to God. We have a model to live by and His name is Jesus. If you look at the life of Jesus, you will know what it means to live a holy life. For one, what did Jesus concern himself with? Did He try to stay current on the gossip of the times? Where are the scriptures that stated that Jesus laid around the house all day? Is there anything that leads us to believe that Jesus ignored those in need? Was Jesus rowdy and confrontational? Was He vulgar? Was Jesus hanging out drinking with the guys all night? Was Jesus involved in any sort of a love triangle? Relationship drama? Clothes shopping? Did He eat all day? Did he get upset that He “didn’t fit in”? Did He only associate with those who could directly benefit Him? Did Jesus worry about what people would think of Him? I could do this all day. Jesus was about God’s business. That’s that. That’s all there is to it. Jesus was the definition of focus. Everything else was inconsequential. That’s what I try to worry about. Do I get it right? Absolutely not. LOL! But that is what I gauge the importance of things by. Come on do I reeeallllllyyyyyy need this? Jesus walked around in sandals. Worried about looking stupid? Jesus was MOCKED and BEATEN and STRIPPED DOWN. Is my reputation more important than that? Jesus put TOTAL faith in His Father and in the end He was nailed to a cross. There’s a chance that my ending won’t be as fancy as i’d like. There’s a chance that my walk is going to be PAINFUL. There’s a good chance that i’m going to be put in situations that make me VERY uncomfortable…. and that I will have to face people that i’d rather not even deal with and i’ll have to say things that i’m not necessarily bold enough to say and i’ll have to do things that scare me…… Nobody said it was easy.

I look at this life as a sort of war zone. I look at children of God as being part of a military structure. Different divisions, different jobs, but ALL working in unison towards a common goal. If you pass a fellow soldier in need, you’re not going to get all weirded out about it because you don’t know them. You’re going to care for them. There are no strangers. You’re all on the same team. Knock it off. Don’t sit there and avoid them, they are on YOUR TEAM! You’re probably turning your back on all sorts of people that God brought into your life for a reason. God is sending you help to improve your walk and you’re still caught up in trivial stuff. You still think you can handle it, that you’re in control of it. You’re not. Not even close. God DOES want us to move. Life can be breathed in any situation. LIFE. ENERGY. It doesn’t have to be stale. Your marriage doesn’t have to be stale. Your church doesn’t have to be stale. Your friendships don’t have to be stale. Your walk doesn’t have to be lonely. You can all hold hands and skip together lol. I’m serious. We bring all of this on ourselves. We can get mad at each other and we can INSTANTLY forgive. We can INSTANTLY change. We can make a mistake, I mean ROYALLY screw something up and we can start again, we can try again. We can change. We change anyways, whether we like it or not, we change. Are you five? No! You’re an adult. You’ve changed SO many times. So you can change *right now*. You don’t have to accept the things that hold you back. You can change. You can smile all the time and be happy because God put you here for a purpose that ONLY YOU can fulfill. YOU have a BIG ROLE. HUGE. You’re not on a ship at sea by yourself, lonely and counting down the days. You can joyfully live out God’s plan for your life. Other people DO get it. It’s hard to find them sometimes, but people get it. People know what it’s like. People do take this seriously. VERY seriously. They’re EVERYWHERE, really….. but like you, they’re all feeling sort of isolated. That’s why we need to rally them. We need to rally up the voices. I made a friend at church and she’s the real deal. Just like that, i’ve met someone who gets it. She really, truly gets it. When we get together, we literally talk for hours. There’s not a dull moment or pause in conversation, we have to drag ourselves away. I believe God brought her into my life. God sends us people. Don’t turn them away and shut them out. God has appointed us all for a MAJOR purpose. That alone gives me hope. That alone makes me feel capable…. God knows i’m capable or I wouldn’t even be here.

Anyways so to wrap this up, I was convicted in a MAJOR way in service yesterday. It’s sort of scary and I need to pray about it some more. But God is calling me to do something that makes me really nervous and I have no idea how this will turn out. I mean, truly scary. Don’t think you have to be born brave. God calls timid people to do BRAVE things. God gives you courage. It doesn’t come from you. Maybe God will use someone bold and humble them. God will use someone who is shy and give them strength and courage. I’m a mess. I’m serious. I’m a train wreck waiting to happen. But God can totally fix that. I have to stop writing.

Music Festival…… in my back yard…..

Kevin and I were on a ship for some reason, no clue. It was legit like a military ship but almost like a top secret sort of thing from the black budget lol. Anyways, that’s how the ship came about. Well…. the ship sort of docked in our front yard. No water. It was just there. That situation turned into a set for a sci-fi film. Yes, there were people walking around like Star Trek style….. lame-o suits and stuff….. just a bunch of actors and actresses. I can barely see right now so if I have a bunch of typos, my bad. It’s at that point where one of my eyes is partially glued shut. Anyways so Kevin was really getting into the movie they were trying to film and i’m like this is the stupidest movie that’s ever existed and it’s being filmed in my front yard. I’ve got nothing to do with this. And I walked into the house lol. As I walked in, I saw a bunch of people coming to my yard and i’m like, nope, I don’t want to deal with you people lol….. but they went to my backyard. I hollered out the window and told them they couldn’t just walk up in my yard. A little girl yelled out, “We’re going to see our friend…..” So I went out back and there was a young girl chilling with a bum. I don’t know their affiliation or anything but I told them all to scram. The bum looked at me and said, “You have no idea what it’s like to have no idea where you’ll lay your head tonight. You have no clue how it feels to want so badly to sleep but have nowhere to rest.” Serious. I know that’s a lot but that’s just what he said. I felt like the worst person on the planet at that point. So I moved a tarp off the patio (this house doesn’t exist, strictly a dream house, looked like we were in California) and pulled a cushion out. It looked like a cushion for a lawn chair, only double the size so it was more the size of a full sized bed. I still can’t see so you can’t blame me for how crazy this sounds. 

I pulled the cushion out, dumped off the rainwater and wiped off all of the wet leaves, laid a blanket over it and told him to sleep on my patio as long as he’d like. Well. This apparently let down the floodgate because at that point,  literally everyone in the neighborhood started coming to my backyard. EVERYONE. Adults. Teenagers. Just regular people….. then some famous people…. politicians tried to get in on it….. EVERYONE was there. I guess I should mention my yard was as beg almost as big as Metropolitan Park lololol. AND we were right on the water. It was awesome. So yeah, DJ’s allover the place, people dancing everywhere and having fun. It wasn’t out of control, either. Everyone was really nice to each other. People got along. I went in the house and looked out the window, here comes Kevin. He saw all of the people and the look on his face was priceless. He looked terrified LOL! So I explained how it started with a homeless guy and sort of ended up like this. He was freaking out until a big name politician (doesn’t exist, just in the dream) came up and shook his hand and congratulated him for pulling the event off. He said he wished someone had done something like this sooner. Kevin smiled and accepted the congrats lol. I didn’t even bother to mention it was my idea, I was just glad Kevin was cool hahaha. So this musical festival ended up being like a resource for people in crisis situations, people who lived in crime ridden areas of town, poverty, etc. I guess there was people there who started hooking them up with help. It was weird. And it all started because I let a homeless guy sleep on my patio and everyone else wanted to get in on it. 

I walked out to the water. There were wooden steps that lead down to the river and they were rotting out……. sort of like wood that goes underwater often when the water level rises. Anyways they formed bleachers of sorts. There was a young man, looked 20. There were two young girls around 17 and they were best friends. One of the girls was pregnant and the girlfriend of the 20 year old. She literally just found out because I guess people were giving out pregnancy tests at my awesome festival or whatever LOL. So she was crying and talking to the girl about not knowing what she would do. The guy was thinking out loud about how he wanted to marry her and that they were going to runaway together across state lines where the laws were different. I guess they knew her parents would make her get an abortion. It was weird. A ship started bringing more bleachers by us (yes a ship in the river lol)  and they kept crashing up against where we were sitting. Everyone was scrambling to get away but people were getting knocked over every time these bleachers knocked up against us. I managed to get to the top and I reached down and held my hand out to help the girl’s best friend climb up. 

As I was walking through my backyard, the music slowly started to die down and the crowd began to disperse. I looked around at the mess and there were people actually walking around on their own with trash bags, picking everything up……. but it wasn’t the people you would expect. It was the teenagers, the troubled youth from the neighborhood that stepped in and did the job, while everyone else just enjoyed their day and left. It seemed that my sense of hope for humanity was restored in that the ones that were the least likely to make a difference, did….. it was awesome. And then they taught me how to do the butterfly and we all laughed. Just kidding. LOL. The end. 

School, Jake Bugg, Weird House, and Snow

How is that for the most random title on my blog lol.

I was going back to school, as usual. Everything happens for a reason and had I not dropped out of school, I wouldn’t have Kevin and my kids….. But the school thing haunts me. I love school. I love learning. I need to go talk to a counselor and see what I need to do to go back….. Again. I would go to school for the rest of my life lol. Anyways so I guess I has just got done shopping for school clothes (LOL) and I was waiting at the city bus stop….. WITH JAKE BUGG. LOL! So weird. We were talking and I was just telling him how much I love his music. Can I tell you how much I love his music? I have become sort of a music snob these past couple of years in that I don’t really give new artists a chance anymore and just anticipate albums from the bands I love (black keys, Coldplay, cage the elephant, kings of leon, the lumineers PLEASE make a new album! Etc….) there are tons. I like tons of artists so don’t think that list is all-inclusive or anything. Kevin’s brother had him check out Jake Bugg recently (super late to that party, I know) and it was like love at first…. play? LOL. Super awkward that the kid is only 19 because e is definitely a lady killer in my book. The quiet but poetic kid that does his own thing lol. Yeah so anyways I absolutely adore him and his music. So we were sitting at the bus stop talking and became friends. (Have I mentioned in 30??). Here is the real kicker….. His MOM came to pick him up Hahahahaha and I asked her if it would be ok of we exchanged numbers (Jake and I) to keep in touch LOL! I can’t believe I am writing this lol. I told him I wanted to come to the UK to visit him lol.

Any reason to post one of his songs, works for me=)

He left and Kevin met up with me and I’m like ME AND JAKE BUGG ARE LIKE BEAT FRIENDS NOW!! and he is like you’re a cougar and I’m like it’s not that kinda party and he laughed and I laughed and we just laughed. Anyways I went to school but it was in the city looked like a run down part of Chicago or something. It was dark out, too. The sidewalks were narrow and I had to keep stepping to the side to let people pass until I thought, “wait a minute, why am *i* always letting people pass? Why can’t people let me pass for once? Why am I always saying excuse me? Does no one else have any manners??” And the. The dream changed.

We were at my house in Virginia but we didn’t know that’s where we were. Everyone was in the den, looking out the sliding glass door. I was on the patio. I was staring very intently at some small drops of rain and it was like I willed them to become flurries. The more I believed they were flurries, the bigger they got….. Until finally it was full on snowing. We took pictures and that was that.

Suddenly I am at a friend’s house, though I don’t really know her. I’m asking her to put fake eyelashes on me because I SUCK at LIFE and can’t do it but want to try them out. She applies them but I didn’t like them so I guess I decided to take a bath lol. Their bathtub was that disgusting old school mustard color from the 70′s. I filled the tub, which was shaped like an octagon (ok their bathroom was a nightmare from like 1975). I was bathing and washing my face when I looked up and noticed I was surrounded by windows and facing the street! No way to close the curtains without standing up and everyone being like heeeeeeyyyyyy mrs paaaarrrrrrkkkkkeeeerrrrrr (Friday lol) and so I woke up. It was just too weird lol.

Breath of life

Whenever i’m feeling really down about stuff, I try to deliberately think of things that make me happy. So this is going to be my happy post to try and lift my spirits lol.

Vayda came out of the room wearing some crazy fluffy socks with some doc martin style shoes….. and i’m like, what exactly have we got going on here lol. She was really excited at how she threw this ensemble together, i’m all like, we have to go to the store, please change. This happens frequently with her. She is a girl who KNOWS what she wants. She knows what she likes. She’s so very strong and secure in who she is. So do I let her go out of the house looking crazy and risk people staring at her (and me for letting her wear these crazy get-ups) or do I crush her spirits, tell her she looks silly, ruin her confidence and make her change. Which is worse? I’m not going to lie, i’ve done it before. I’ve told her to change. I’ve MADE her change. I’ve told her that people will stare at her. I’ve told her, “That looks silly, here, put this on!”. But this time, it felt different. It felt really, really wrong. My job isn’t to force her to be like me or anyone else. My job is to keep her safe, direct her in the way she should go, and just encourage her. I should be encouraging her to be who she is…… yet i’m already ruining her self-esteem every time I tell her an outfit she chose looks silly. I’ve got to break away from that. There are times when she should be able to have control over what she wears. I should TEACH her to make good choices, not dictate her fashion to her.

And that made me think. When did we get ruined? Who ruined us? Can we pinpoint a moment in time where we left that childlike innocence? The time when it never crossed our minds that someone might laugh? That maybe we weren’t capable? That the world wasn’t fair and we weren’t good enough? When did we stop just making friends with people? Like genuine, no reserve, friendships…… like kids on the playground. Why did we stop? When did we stop looking at everything like it’s amazing? Like really standing in awe of something. We’re sooooooooooo jaded……. why????

I know some may perceive me as immature. I probably say things that others would just sort of not even bother to bring up. I laugh inappropriately sometimes. I get so excited about things I literally jump and flap my arms like a kid and grab my husband nearly tackling him. I’m sarcastic. I make jokes all the time. My energy level on situations is usually through the roof……. because, why not? I see people day in and day out that look so sad and miserable. They look like shells of humans that just aren’t there. They aren’t there, no lights on inside. Maybe it’s because they believed it was stupid to laugh. It’s dumb to get excited. They see something truly amazing and think “what else is new…..big deal”. They hold in tears for fear of appearing weak. They go through life on autopilot like Adam Sandler in Click….. just fast-forwarding through the absolute best moments in life because someone told them they were insignificant. Someone convinced them those moments didn’t matter.

I get like that. The world starts to rub off on me and it’s depressing. I get cynical. I get bored. I’m like, no big deal, what else is new. Waiting. Just waiting for something to feel fantastic again. Meanwhile, life is happening. The world is spinning and there are BILLIONS upon BILLIONS of really cool things happening at any given moment. Sometimes, I have to just shake it off lol….. and laugh again. Life goes on. It does. It always has and always will. Through everything you endure, remember, life. goes. on. It doesn’t wait for any of us.

The smell of summer. Seriously, step outside and just smell it. Think about how it’s going to change. Think about how fall smells when people begin burning leaves. Think about the anticipation of all of the end-of-year festivities….. when stores are packed and people are buying pie filling and what not….. when windows are open and breezes flow in. But right now, at this moment, it smells like summer. It smells like chlorine. It smells like saltwater. It feels like a sunburn or sand stuck to your legs. Grills. Bug spray. Bright stars, bright sun, bright trees, bright skin. My problems are trumped by the amazing things going on all around me. Outstanding things. Birds are lively like they’re having fun, too. If you’re ever driving down the interstate, pay close attention to the tops of the light poles. There’s some really cool birds that hang out up there. You can stand in awe of something simple…… and when you do…… life feels amazing. Throw a rock into still water and watch the ripples. What if that weren’t a possibility? What if this world were a huge slab of concrete, no contrast, nothing but shades of gray….. even the sky….. and people were lifeless drones. No personalities, no cultures, no differences in appearance, no expression…… but that’s not how it is. The world is amazing, life is amazing, we are amazing. My problems are NOTHING. They just can’t compete. The energy of my problems cannot stand up to the energy of this entire universe around me. My problems are trumped every single time. It’s not that serious. Waiting for something to feel good? A billion things feel good. Breathing feels good. Just long, deep breaths as my ears are underwater in the bathtub to where I *might* hear pipes and muffled sounds, but mainly, I just hear my breathing. That feels good. The rain feels good. It smells good. It’s awesome. Smiling feels good. Cuddling with my kids feels good. Eating. Watching the sun set. Listening to my favorite songs. Bare feet on warm concrete feels good. Wind blowing my hair feels good. The sun feels good. Falling asleep with my husband feels good. Hugs feel good. Laughter feels good. Why do we think we need to search high and low for something that feels good? We are SURROUNDED by good. All day. All night. God is good. God gave us all of these things. Amazing. Beautiful things. Good things.

You don’t ever have to grow up. You don’t. Sure, the perk is you become wiser and the downside is that your start to look like a bag of bones or whatever lol….. but there is no rule that says you can’t be amazed. There’s nothing that says you have to be joyless. Boring is NOT mandatory….. and you don’t need anything extra. You can be perfectly content beyond measure with what you have. I know, I get it, it’s soooooo easy to long for other things….. but you don’t have to. You just have to redirect your focus on what is right in front of your face. I am telling you, I don’t have to go ANYWHERE. I can walk right out into the front yard and inspect an anthill and be totally floored…. an anthill could entertain me for hours. Return to that. Return to your innocence. Return to astonishment. Let yourself stand in awe of something absolutely ordinary. Go out into your yard and sit in a corner somewhere and investigate each little blade of grass until you find something cool. Get on your roof and don’t even think about what the neighbors might think. Bring some music, lay there, and look at the stars. It’s as simple as that. It really is that simple. Let yourself be with people. Be in their presence and be who you are and smile with them. Laugh with them. Love them, no matter what. Who cares what they think of you. Your joy might rub off on them. Love all of them.

These things make me happy. The world tries to beat you down into nothingness….. but God made you to be sooooooo much more than nothingness. God made you to be full of love and joy and awe.

Bear Dream

Oh man. So We were all at our house in the country. No, we don’t have a house in the country, I wish. Kevin and I got into a huge fight about some really stupid stuff. We walked back to the house and “Ace in the Hole” was playing, which seriously could have come through from the tv lol. Anyways we got ready and began walking down a long dirt road through fields of sunflowers, it was GORGEOUS. We were going to take pictures of me for my website. We were heading to a place I see in my dreams a lot, it’s like down a dirt road somewhere, through the woods, and leads to a secluded lake that no one knows about. There are usually alligators there but it’s really pretty and I’m always trying to find it in my dreams, especially in my “apocalyptic” dreams lol. There were cars traveling down the road and Kevin was walking ahead of me. A black lady in a red van pulled over and walked to the edge of the field with her camera. Then, I noticed she was about to take a picture of a sleeping grizzly bear and I’m like omg lady you gotta be kidding me. He was on a hill and looked unbelievably large. I started walking fast to get away before she awakened him but it was too late. He began chasing both of us, at times coming so close to me I thought he would get me. I made it to Kevin and we jumped in the lady’s van just in time…. Then I woke up.