Vayda’s 6th Birthday!

I have a lot of catching up to do on this blog and I am really torn between combining everything into one post or just keeping them all separate. I think i’m just going to keep them separate for archive purposes lol. I’m sure my million subscribers would appreciate that lol. I kid.

She really wanted to have a Frozen birthday party but of course it was sold out EVERYWHERE. I didn’t have enough time to order anything online and so the backup plan was Monster High. She loved it.

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She had a great time, as usual. I love throwing birthday parties for them. It’s super stressful lol don’t get me wrong….. but look at these memories we make! SO worth it!

And here, you can listen to Vayda’s favorite song while scrolling through the pics=)

I’m bogus and so are you and that’s ok

Taking a quick break from cleaning. When I clean, i’m listening to a documentary or lecture or something involving some REALLY intense shit. I always want to get better. I’m coming out of this weird RANDOM bout of depression and am starting to feel much more at peace. Anyways, yeah, I always want to get better……

But sometimes, you are never more awesome than when you just confess to how much you suck and how shitty you are and you’re just okay with that, even if only in that moment, ya know?

I love watching intelligent people talk….. because I don’t really consider myself to be very intelligent but I want to be so I watch these people, I listen to this stuff and just try to soak it all in or whatever….. and I find myself saying, “Man, i’d love to sit down and talk to him!” and I would wonder what our conversation would be like…..

But i’m Kristi. I’m unpredictable and a total fucking loon half the time. So I imagine if I had the opportunity to speak to a real genius, I would probably start teaching them how to armpit fart or something equally obnoxious.

I can’t stand for things to be uptight. I can’t stand for things to be too serious. I can’t stand for things to be too structured and routine.

I honestly believe that a part of being truly happy and successful is to admit you don’t have it all together, you don’t have all of the answers, you are very aware of your flaws and you do try to improve but you’re totally okay with the ride and you’re totally okay if you still mess up from time to time…… and you can just laugh shit off. You get knocked down, it sucks, but you get right back up. You don’t wallow. You make a major mistake or no…. you make a FOOL of yourself but you don’t run away from it…. sometimes you want to, sometimes you want to run and never look back but you don’t. You brush off your shoulders, return and hold your head high, give it another shot. People can laugh and you’ll just laugh with them because you know YOU have the last laugh because YOU get it. You get it. They don’t.

I embrace my bouts of insanity. Nothing is perfect and it really shouldn’t be. You can get mad for taking the wrong turn or you can be thankful that you got to see some cool shit in the process.

Be honest. Be truthful in everything. A part of being truthful is admitting that you are totally bogus. Because you are. You make really stupid mistakes and sometimes you don’t even know why. Sometimes you make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. Sometimes you haven’t the slightest idea as to what you are talking about and you’re just pulling words out of your ass left and right and it’s FINE. It’s okay. You were an hour late, everyone was pissed, you basically suck but guess what? The world didn’t stop. It kept turning. It will continue turning. It’s like a merry-go-round full of kids at the park….. you’ll fly off and those little brats won’t slow down or stop for you but you have gotten REALLY good at jumping right back on while the damn thing kept spinning.

I think for the past month I have had one hellacious experience after another. Just disaster after disaster….. frustrated…. stressed like you wouldn’t believe….. and here’s the thing…..

I knew it wouldn’t last. I kept telling myself, “This will pass, it always has before.” and I just knew that. And I knew that it wasn’t like any one single event was the end of the world it was just a collection of bullshit that had me like, “Really?!”……. my problem was trying to figure out how I was physically supposed to handle it. Like, for real. Every time a child would scream or someone would request something or something would go wrong or WHATEVER, it felt like needles…. like piercing my brain…. it’s like, “shut up. shut up. shut up. SHUT UP!” and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was being suffocated or something. My heart was constantly racing and I was constantly on the verge of tears, which, I unfortunately dumped on our Pastor at a TOTALLY totally random moment and it was pretty embarrassing because I looked like an emotionally unstable lunatic, which is not exactly what my intentions were in the beginning but….. I lost it. All of it built up and I broke down and lost it.

Guess what?

Life fucking goes on. It does.

Brush it off, get up, try again. I know I suck. I know i’m annoying at times. I know I don’t have all of the answers even though I sometimes have the tendency to try and appear like I do. I thoroughly enjoy the journey so i’m okay that I don’t have it all or have it all together.

It’s when you start trying to live up to these unreachable standards that you find yourself extremely unhappy and hopeless. This isn’t an excuse to not strive to be better….. if you’re not constantly trying to grow and make improvements, something is wrong. But when you let these little things (don’t sweat the small stuff…..and it’s ALL small stuff) derail you, you miss out on the joy of learning from mistakes….. it’s a joy…. maybe not in the moment but eventually, if you look at it the right way, all of this suffering, all of these failures and let-downs and HUGE mistakes can become tools….. people who don’t make mistakes NEVER grow. I think the most successful people in the world are the ones who made the most mistakes, had the most setbacks, but USED THEM to their advantage, rather than wallowing in the self-pity….

My heart’s desire is to always improve, to always do better and be better, to always be on the right side of the equation, to do right and do good….. I desire it. I crave it. But I also am VERY aware of the fact that I suck….. and sometimes I do things that are opposite of what I truly want….. sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes i’m just downright awful….. BUT. I am redeemed. There are infinite second chances. God never runs out of mercy. He never runs out of forgiveness to extend. By me dwelling on how much I fall short and how horrible I can be….. I am basically downplaying God’s grace. It’s like saying, “I can fix this by doing xyz a little better”…..

(interjection: do not EVER point out someone’s mistakes and flaws for the sake of pointing them out. Don’t be one of those “well, I just wanted to make you aware of the fact that this is wrong, wasn’t sure if you knew that or not, okay, bye” kind of annoying people. If you point out anything, you better be coming from a place of love and desire to see someone be better and if that’s the case then you damn well better be prepared to help them through….. if not….. just totally shut up because it’s obnoxious)

Anyways, just wanted to briefly touch on this while it was fresh in my mind. You aren’t defined by your failures, you are defined by what you do with those failures….. do you let them claim you? Or do you use them as fuel to become a better version of yourself?

Cage the Elephant

Ok, I guess I have never really expressed how truly in love with this band I am lol. It’s so hard for me to rank bands because they all have something different to offer (at least the ones I like) but….. this band would be on my top 5 for modern rock/alternative. And it’s so funny because, most of the musicians I love were influenced by the oldies bands I love. And…. many of them have a somewhat dysfunctional backstory like I do lol. These guys are just literally awesome. His poetry is awesome. They are awesome lol. The lead singer seriously performed Japanese Buffalo at Coachella in a red dress. Basically.

If you watch their videos you may be turned off to them if you don’t understand the underlying meaning of them. They seem a little morbid but it’s more than that, really. Anyways these are some of their songs I like…. but as usual, no particular order and not all-inclusive lol.

And of course Cigarette Daydreams which I posted recently. I mean, of course all of their music is amazing but these are some of my faves.

Jake Bugg is touring with the Black Keys and then Cage the Elephant jumps on board…. and I think Jake Bugg is out…. but omg, if all three of them were to play together in Orlando I would sell a kidney to be there lol. Either way, even with just the Black Keys and Cage the Elephant, i’d totally be there but man with Jake Bugg there too that would just be too much LOL too much awesomeness in one building.

Stand up for yourself

I have had the wonderful experience of trying to explain to my kids the necessity in standing up for themselves. See, Judea has no problem standing up for himself. His problem is in taking it overboard and getting physical with people. So I have to explain to him that while it’s important to stand up for yourself, it can be done in a more tactful way.

Vayda is different. Vayda is like me. It’s probably hard to look at me and think I was ever the quiet, shy girl but I totally was. I watched everyone else have fun and be loud and obnoxious kids while I was too scared to really jump in. I was always really scared of looking stupid. I felt so small in comparison to everyone else. I didn’t understand how people could be so careless and just do things without observing the risks involved and carefully weighing out their options lol. I was always initially skeptical of everything. Vayda is like that. She’s friendly but she’s quiet when she is unsure. She’s not a loud and obnoxious child around people she is unsure of. It’s part of being intelligent. Trust me. She’s wise. She just is. She doesn’t jump into things. She pays attention to the way things work and the way people are. She says things that seem to go beyond the reasoning of her peers….. so it’s easy for someone to be harsh with her and her not to say anything. I was like that and I let that fear control me. I sometimes let it turn me into someone I wasn’t. I tried to fit in. I tried to pretend I was that loud, overbearing person when I totally wasn’t. I hid my quirks and tried my best to pretend I was into the typical stuff girls my age were into. When I could no longer handle bottling things up, I hit a rebellious stage where I was like fuck all of you people and I went hardcore lol. Way over the top. I intentionally rebelled against society.

It could have been avoided if I was taught to love and appreciate myself for who I was without everyone trying to convince me I needed to blend in, ya know? And I would have been better at being myself if I had more of a spine and could stand up for myself to those who tried to put me down. If I could have confidently told them to pretty much kiss my ass, I could have been happier.

A little girl hit Vayda in the back. This little girl seems like she is starting to kind of bully Vayda. Vayda is just not like the other little girls. She wants to wear what she wants to wear and do what she wants to do. Sometimes it’s totally typical 6 year old girl stuff but sometimes it isn’t. I think the other littler girls may find this weird. I am trying to explain to Vayda that the solution doesn’t lie in changing who you are, it only makes you miserable. But for starters, she needs to stand up for herself. When the little girl hits her, of course she needs to tell the teacher but she needs to look that little girl in the eyes and FIRMLY say, “Do not put your hands on me.” I don’t care what other parents say, what advice they give or even what the teachers say. I believe a child should stand up for themselves and not become a doormat to others. They should develop enough confidence to stand their ground. When this little girl starts demanding that Vayda give her her candy, Vayda needs to tell her, “If you’re going to be mean and talk to me that way, you need to go play with someone else. You’re not going to boss me around” and she needs to mean it. We did drills last night lol. I explained to her how different things can sound. I said, “Do not put your hands on me” in a mean and threatening way, I repeated it in a shy and timid way, then I repeated it in a firm, very serious way….. and she knew which one sounded the best. She knew she had to be firm.

This is a life skill that doesn’t always come naturally. Kids don’t usually naturally know how to properly stand up for themselves. Sometimes they will end up taking it overboard, becoming very abrasive and harsh with people in the name of not being the victim. Sometimes they just won’t even try and will forever feel silenced by those who are louder and bolder than them. I wish someone had taught me this important life skill as a child and had faith that I could pull it off. If Vayda can just get through school being true to herself, kind to others, but firm when someone tries to push her, that little girl is going to go very, very far in life. She just needs someone to be her rock and believe in her when she feels like no one else really does.

I want to be my children’s cheerleader. I want to encourage them to always do the right thing. I want them to be confident and believe in themselves and their abilities. I want them to contribute to the world. I want them to feel a sense of obligation to others without feeling like a doormat.

Kids don’t raise themselves. If you don’t focus on teaching them these things, if you aren’t parenting with real intention, they are going to grow up with no sense of direction. You aren’t just there to keep them safe, fed and clothed. You are there to guide them down the correct path. I believe God made all of us unique……. some maybe a little more than others haha. And I can’t think of anything more sad than a child growing up feeling ashamed of who they really are, who God made them to be. I can’t imagine trying to convince my child that they should try to fit in and be like everyone else. Of course I don’t want to convince them to be rebellious or to intentionally go against the grain, either….. I just want them to be who they want to be. If Ezra ever wants to learn how to play the violin, I would never tell him to pick a more manly instrument like the drums or a guitar. If Vayda ever wanted to be a scientist or an engineer or something, i’d never try to convince her to do something more “womanly”. If Judea wants to be a cook someday, GO for it! And if Nova has enough ambition to someday run for president, i’ll be the head of her campaign. I want my kids to believe in themselves because if they don’t, no one else will…..

If you are a parent, try to really think of the importance of raising your child to not allow themselves to be pushed around. Help build their confidence in themselves by believing in them and encouraging them to be who God made them to be.

Flying and dying dream

I was at a house somewhere with a bunch of people. I believe the house was two stories and was a cobalt blue color. I’m actually pretty excited because i’ve never, EVER, had to describe something as being cobalt blue. I don’t even think i’ve ever actually typed the word before so this is huge. Btw, I got up at 5:30. It’s 5:48, I cannot be held accountable for rambling at this point. Anyways, I walked up to one of my guy friends and I don’t even remember saying anything, I just remember we started flying. Like, he totally understood the deal, too. He seemed very alert and aware, which is weird because he is probably one of the last people on earth I would imagine to be so aware. But he understood flying and was a natural at it. We started flying off to the edge of the neighborhood, which bordered a military base. At this moment, we were under military occupation. There were these giant towers that really seriously reminded me of the tripods in War of the Worlds. These towers were occupied by beings that watched over the neighborhood and guarded the perimeter of the base. Typically, they stood motionless but if they were under suspicion of something they would begin moving around. It was freaky. I wish I had written this dream down when I woke up from it at around 2 something. I thought I would remember all of the details but I ended up having another vivid dream after so I forgot a lot.

My friend and I were flying because we knew we could fly. No one else knew they could fly. Him and I were aware and so we were part of the threat to the cause, I guess. Sounds legit sci-fi channel approved, huh?! I kept losing steam and couldn’t understand why. Like whenever I have flying dreams, there are times that I begin to go down, I don’t have enough in me to fly as high or as fast. That’s how it was. I began flying way too low to be effective lol. I remember we were detected by the tripods and they started running towards us and we were basically just trying to escape.

I woke up and went back to sleep and started to dream again. I was on a serious mothership. This thing was so huge, it had it’s own ecosystem. Sometimes it felt like I was on earth but other times it felt like I was in the ship. I say this because, I do remember the sun…… but I also remember doors and rooms that resembled being on an actual military ship. Anyways, there was a shopping mall there. I remember passing by a bunch of people that seemed to be brainwashed, they didn’t realize that we were seriously under like alien occupation. I don’t remember how I ended up here but I was in a room where I was able to see one of the aliens and it spoke to me. It seemed like a friendly alien and said something like, “People are usually expecting little green men but I don’t think i’m what they had in mind” and this thing was like an octopus or something, it looked gross but the personality and attitude seemed very humanlike and somewhat humorous. He was controlling parts of the ship. He was pressing a bunch of different buttons allover the room, which, being that he had several legs and tentacles or what not, I see how he earned that position lol. No one was allowed to see these creatures because they would freak out and would no longer be obedient. So he seemed to feel refreshed that he didn’t have to hide from me. Although, I really was just passing through. There were portals that you could go into that would put you on your own personal vessel to take you wherever you wanted to go in the world. It was like the new way to travel. I believe these were anti-gravity like craft but they were shaped like oblong pills, not typical flying saucers.

While all of this had been going on, I was also in another place. I was watching over my Dad. He was suffering. He was getting sicker and sicker until he lost almost all awareness and was in a sort of vegetative state. Finally, he passed away and I was the only one losing it. My sister was with me on the ship at that point and she’s trying to get me to keep it together but I was just totally overcome with despair and sadness, total hopelessness and regret……. just the desire to go back to childhood and try and change things, do something to make everything turn out differently. It was pretty intense. So we were looking for a pod to board LOL. I remember two young japanese girls were there. Nothing special about them, I just remember them being there. We were walking down this hall and it was lined with doors that lead out onto different pods. On the outside, you could select your destination and then you enter it and it sort of like zaps you there. You don’t dematerialize or anything but it travels so quickly you probably assume you do. We traveled to be with my Dad and I just couldn’t handle it, I had to wake myself up. It was awful.

I am sure i’ve gone into detail about the flying situation before but I feel compelled to do so again lol. It literally feels like you have tapped into a different type of energy source within you. Like, how your brain first signals your arm to lift and then the muscles in your arm act accordingly. It’s like the process occurs just like that, your mind first tells your body to fly and then you feel weightlessness, you feel pulled into the air and there is a feeling in your stomach like right in your core and you know that is the source, I guess? That is was pushes you forward. It’s amazing how something can feel so real…… and not be real. Like to feel a legitimate process taking place is just so weird. It’s not like “weeeeeeee i’m flyyyyiiinnnnggggg” in a nonsensical fashion lol it seems like there are actual laws being applied lol.

I drank a soda right before bed so maybe the caffeine had something to do with my dreams. They were VERY, very vivid and involved last night and there were two of them lol. Anyways I woke up from the last dream at 5:30, looked at the clock, and took it as a sign to get up. 5:30 has been the magic number for me as far as waking up early. I woke up at 5:30 on Saturday but laughed and went back to sleep hahaha. But this morning I figured it was really nice to wake up right at the time I wanted to and didn’t really feel sleepy or cranky or anything. So here I am. Now i’m going to make out my to-do list and read the Bible.